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Hansel And Gretel

Deep in a forested bioregion stood a small, humble chalet, and in that chalet lived a small, humble family. The father was a tree butcher by trade, and he was doing his best to raise his two pre-adults named Hansel and Gretel.
The family tried to maintain a healthy and conscientious lifestyle, but the demands of the capitalist system, especially its irresponsible energy policies, worked ceaselessly to smother them. Soon they were at a complete economic disadvantage and found themselves unable to live in the style to which they had become accustomed, paltry though it may have been. With the
little money that was coming in, there was not enough to feed them all.
So, regretfully, the tree butcher was forced to devise a plan to be rid of his children. He decided to take them deep into the woods as he went about his daily work and then abandon them there. It was a sad commentary on the plight of single-parent households, but he could see no alternative.
When the father discussed this plan on the phone with his analyst, Hansel overheard the conversation. Instead of alerting the proper authorities, Hansel came up with a plan for protecting himself and his sibling. The next morning, the tree butcher packed them all sensible, nutritious lunches in reusable containers and they set off Hansel, however, had filled his pockets with granola, and as they walked deeper and deeper into the woods, he dropped large chunks of it on the path to mark the way.
At a clearing deep in the woods, the tree butcher finally stopped and said to Hansel and Gretel, "You pre-adults wait here. I'm going to look for some trees to harvest, and maybe explore my primitive masculine psyche against the backdrop of nature, if I have time. I'll be back before too long." He handed the children their lunches and walked off.
After morning had turned into afternoon and afternoon into evening, Hansel told his sister their father's plan to abandon them. Gretel, always level-headed and practical in such situations, suggested they collect materials for a lean-to shelter, as they'd learned in their Outward Bound Aboriginal Survival Techniques class.
"No need," said Hansel. "I've left us a trail to follow back, without even littering or defacing a single tree." But when they went to find the trail, they discovered a cadre of survivalists busily eating up the granola. The survivalists screamed at the children to get away from their new-found rations and, after firing a few warning shots in the air, disappeared into the woods.
Hansel and Gretel wandered along different trails, but after some time they became hopelessly lost and very hungry. Then, around a sharp bend in their path, they came upon a wondrous cottage made of carob brownies, sugarless gingerbread, and carrot cake. Even without a reassuring PDA label, the cottage looked so good that the children dived at it and began to devour it.
Suddenly, a woman in her golden years (actually, quite past them) emerged from the cottage. The
many bangles on her wrists and ankles clattered as she moved, and she gave off the aroma of patchouli, burnt sage, and clove cigarettes. The children were startled. Hansel asked, "Please forgive my bluntness, but are you a wicked witch?"
The woman laughed. "No, no, my dear. I'm not a witch, I'm a Wiccan. I'm no more evil than anyone else, and I certainly don't eat little pre-adults, like all the rumours would have you believe. I worship nature and the Goddess, and mix herbs and natural potions to help people. Really. Now why don't you both come in for a nice cup of coltsfoot tea?"
Inside the functional yet edible cottage, the Wiccan advised the children to forget the propaganda and slander that had been spread about persons like her. She told them stories about her life in the forest, making potions, casting spells, communing with non-human animals, and healing the many wounds inflicted on Mother Earth. It took some time for Hansel and Gretel to free their minds from the stereotype of a green-skinned, temporally advanced crone in a pointy black hat. (Ironically, the Wiccan did have a long warty nose that resembled a mouldy cucumber, but the children were too polite to ask about it.)
They were finally convinced of the Wiccan's sincerity when they met her neighbours and kinsfolk. To welcome the children, these gentle people held a gathering that night in the moonlight, in which they stripped off all their clothes, rubbed mud on each other, and danced in a circle to the sound of ocarinas and panpipes. It was an inspiring sight, and it felt so right and natural that Hansel and Gretel decided then and there to give up their old lives and join the forest people.
Over time, Hansel and Gretel came to love the Wiccan and their lives in the forest. As they grew older and more empowered, they began to assert their bonds with Mother Earth in more direct and tangible ways. With courage and vigour, they planned and engaged in many deep ecology actions to protect their arboreal home. Hansel and Gretel merrily spiked trees, monkey-wrenched mining and bulldozing equipment, and blew up power plants and electrical lines that stretched over nearby farmland with explosives made from all-natural ingredients. They even learned 15 completely organic remedies for powder burns.
They were very content and self-fulfilled protecting their adopted habitat until one day terrible news
came. A huge multinational paper conglomerate had purchased their entire forest, intent on turning it all into wood pulp. Hansel, Gretel, the Wiccan, and all their compadres and comrades geared up for the confrontation of their lives. The eco-defenders gathered up their wrenches and their plastique, their picket signs and their panpipes, and started off for the headquarters of the conglomerate, alerting the media along the way that they were ready to defend Our Mother to the very last person.
Hansel, Gretel, and the Wiccan marched at the head of the crowd, chanting and swaying and itching for a fight. As the headquarters of the paper company came into view, the two siblings saw something about it that was very familiar. The huge plant and building complex took up nearly four acres of land, but on the circular driveway, smack in the middle of the main entrance, sat a small, humble chalet. It was in fact their childhood home, squatting like a hermit's shack in front of the sleek steel and glass facade of the HQ.
Just as the brother and sister were beginning to digest this, the small wooden door of the shack opened and out stepped their father, the tree butcher. He was dressed in an Armani suit with Italian loafers, and on either side of him crowded a phalanx of lawyers. It was obvious that the woodperson had done OK for himself.
"Well, well," said the father, "the wheel of fate spins round again. Good to see you again, Hansel and Gretel."
"Please, don't call us that," said his biological but not spiritual son. "We have changed our names to symbolise the birth of our new consciousness and to separate ourselves from our heartless, exploitative upbringing. From now on, you may call me Heathdweller."
"And my name is Gaia," said his sister.
"Change your names to Thumper and Bambi, for all I care," their father laughed. "You people are still going to have to relocate from the forest. We've made a deal with a nice trailer park down by the Interstate for you, and hired a relocation counselling firm to help "
The Wiccan cut him off. "Death to the rapers of Earth! Death to the rapers of Earth!" she screamed, and the rest of the crowd picked up her chant.
"No need to get personal," the father muttered. He moved to calm the crowd. "All right, all right. We'd like to meet with your spokesman "
"Spokeswoman!" insisted one protester.
"Spokesperson!" shouted another.
A lawyer whispered into the father's ear. "We'd like to meet with your person. of spoke," the father said finally, "the Wiccan."
Amid shouts of encouragement the Wiccan raised her fist and walked into the building with the suits. The ecoteurs were very happy and confident because they placed their complete trust in the Wiccan. She would never back down in the face of these planet ravishers. To celebrate, they formed a prayer circle in the parking lot and began to dance.
The sound of ocarinas and panpipes was still in the air when the negotiators re-emerged from the building. The father and the lawyers were smiling, while the Wiccan had a more sheepish expression, although it is an insult to sheep to imply that they could ever look so guilty.
Gaia, nee Gretel, immediately sensed that something in the established order of things had changed. "What's happened?" she insisted. "What went on in there?"
"A prominent member of your group has decided to wake up and face reality," said her father. "The Wiccan has agreed to join our senior staff, as our new Vice President of Holistic and Spiritual Wellness, Mother Earth Division."
An involuntary gasp escaped from the eco-warriors. "How could you?" screamed Gaia.
"Child, I had no choice," she said in a pleading manner. "They gave me complete medical and dental, including experimental cures that most policies won't cover."
A confused murmur went up from the eco-squadron. This was indeed a stunning blow: If their wisest and most earth-conscious persun-in-arms could be so easily bought, what chance did the rest of them have? Along with the lawyers around him, the tree butcher 'wore a grin like the cat that had satisfied its nutritional needs at the expense of the canary.
But Hansel oops! Heathdweller and Gaia were well acquainted with their father's ruthlessness and had devised a back-up plan. With great pomp and flurry, they each put on hooded robes, drew a pentagram on the ground, and burned dried herbs in a small crucible. Everyone looked on in curiosity, and perhaps with a little fear. Then the brother and sister chanted an invocation in a language that even the Wiccan had never heard. The wind began to blow and the air crackled. Then, with a flash of light, it was done. The entire papermaking operation headquarters building, plant, and warehouse complexes had changed from steel and concrete to peppermint sticks, gingerbread, and gumdrops.
The ecoteurs' mouths hung open, then they let out a cheer. The lawyers conferred among themselves and jotted notes about possible action plans in their Filofaxes. The Wiccan just stood there while her mouth formed a silent "Wow."
The tree butcher put on a brave front. "Nice trick, kids, but you haven't stopped me. The plant is still as sturdy as ever, and now my maintenance costs are down to a little frosting and fudge. Thanks very much. We'll still keep operating, and we're still going to tear down your forest."
Heathdweller and Gaia didn't answer him, but instead burned more herbs and breathed more incantations. The wind again blew and the air crackled, and before everyone's eyes, the entire squad of lawyers was turned into a horde of mice very hungry mice who immediately swarmed over the huge, sticky-sweet industrial complex that lay before them and began to devour it.
The Wiccan had no idea that the siblings were so well versed in the black arts. She tried to appease them with flattery: "That was very impressive. We have a lot to teach each other, don't we? I'm looking forward to sharing our knowledge together in an open and supportive " but her words were cut short as Heathdweller and Gaia flicked their paranormal whip and transformed her from a woman in her golden years to a slinky, white-bellied weasel. The former Wiccan then ran off to join the mice in their factory feeding frenzy.
Their father was now visibly shaken as he watched the work of a lifetime being squeakily devoured. Ever the master of the guilt trip, he finally said, "And this is how you kids repay me? Do you think it was easy being a single working parent? If I hadn't brought you into the woods that day, you wouldn't have found this whole new life for yourselves. And this is the thanks I get? What about my needs? I've been in the wood business all my life, now what am I supposed to do?"
So Heathdweller and Gaia did him a favour and turned him into a beaver.
After this ordeal, the ecoheroes picked up their placards and headed back into the forest.
Heathdweller and Gaia worked hard at perfecting their supernatural skills, which they put to use solely for defending the planet. Their neighbours respected the siblings' privacy, lest a stray incantation turn them into a different (though certainly not inferior) species. And the magical brother and sister, their friends, and, most important, the trees of the forest lived happily ever after

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Page Updated Thu May 29, 2003 9:23am EDT