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| Parent Child Magazine "On The Mark" | |
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Jim Marks, Ph.D, Ed.D, Professor of Psychology and Education |
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 (Copyright 1999) Bellman Communications All Rights Reserved SHYNESS CAN MAKE A CHILD A TARGET! While they might not launch a missile at you just because you look shy, convicted muggers (and rapists, as well) tell us that they do watch for potential targets. They said they search for people who have poor self-image and who look as though they are shy and withdrawn. Many children are shy. What is shyness? Shyness can vary from mind to almost completely disabling. Shyness makes it difficult to meet new people and to make friends. It prevents a child (or adult, for that matter) from being assertive and speaking up for hir or her rights and even from expressing opinions. It can make the potential victim appear to be an easy target. The attacker knows a person with a poor self-image -- one who walks down the street looking as though he or she is sorry for taking up room on the sidewalk -- is probably going to put up less of a fight and be an easier mark than someone who looks self-assured, confident and assertive. Shyness can be a way to avoid feelings of being unwanted, unloved, unattractive, dull, or unintelligent. But, if a child is shy, people will not have the opportunity to respond to him or her and what they do and to give him or her positive feedback about their strong points and accomplishments. People often communicate with each other by negotiating and bargaining. We bargain for time, security, committments, and much more. Without the free exchange of ideas and feelings it is impossible to bargain. People who fail to communicate are not very effective in shaping their lives or in making this a better, safer world in which to live. A parent, as well as a child, should be willing to devote time and energy to understanding oneself, building self-esteem and assertiveness skills, avoiding conflicts and handling hassles. All of these are vital to our total self-defense package. By devoting the necessary time and energy to these tasks, sometimes we risk some short-term failures that lead to long-term successes. Start by making a daily shyness diary for yourself or your child. This can be one good way of finding the recurring patterns of shyness. Whenever you or your child feels that you or them might EVEN be acting (or doing nothing) as a result of shyness, record the day, time, what the circumstances were -- the situation or setting and who was present -- what happened, and what the outcome was. CAUTION: There is often a tendency to deny that we did or did not do something as a result of shyness. In one study, 80% of college students reported that they once had been shy; they were too shy to admit they still were shy! Building self-esteem is an important part of breaking the skyness barrier. START YOUR ANTI-SHYNESS, PRO-ESTEEM PROGRAM BY: 1. Never telling yourself or child how aweful-stupid-ugly you or they are. 2. Giving your child or yourself time for relaxation. (Enjoy life, exercise). 3. Taking action(s) to change situations that make you or your child feel inadequate and only serve to lower the self image (or to raise someone else's self-image at your expense). 4. Practice being sociable. (Imagine what the other guy's anxieties and incecurities might be, and how you could help him. Decide what you can do for him and what he can do for you. Let him know that you want to communicate, socialize, share). 5. Not being defensive and over-protective of your ego. You or your child may get the psyche bruised now and then, but you and them will survive, and will be stronger as a result. It is better to be disappointed occasionally by a friendship or a plan that did not work out as you wish it had, than to be numbed by the pain of shyness. Don't let shyness keep you or your child from responding to an aggressor with all your power and resources, (if that's what is needed). Take action to ensure that you are nobody's victim! |
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