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Shadow: I can't get to sleep...
Interceptor: Why?
Shadow: I have too many dreams.
Interceptor: What about?
Shadow: Baram.
Interceptor: Who?
Shadow: Old friend.
Interceptor: Why?
Shadow: We were partners in crime.
Interceptor: When?
Shadow: I should have never gotten rid of my dog...
Interceptor: What?
Shadow: and I never should have gotten a parrot!!!
Interceptor: Why?
Shadow: Because I never should have gotten one who knew only how to ask questions!!!
Interceptor: When?
Shadow: I hate you!!!!! (Throws Tack star at Parrot)
Interceptor: (on ground with star in side)
***** AT THE VET *****
Doctor: Umm is a Shadow here???
Sabin: Uh he went to the bathroom. Um Doctor?
Doctor: Yes?
Sabin: Umm how is my chocobo??
Doctor: Sorry sir that is Confedential.
Sabin: Why!!?? It's my chocobo and I have been here nearly 3 hours!!
Doctor: Sir you'll just have to wait your turn...
Sabin: I've seen 12 people come in and out with no problem at all!! What are you doing with him back there???
Doctor: Sir I'm sure that those 12 people had more important cases then you.
Sabin: I accidently hit him with a Wind Slash!!! He had a huge gash in his side!!
Shadow: * ZZZZZIP *
Doctor: Mr.Shadow?
Shadow: Just Shadow... how is he??
Doctor: He just died.... sorry sir
Shadow: Oh no!! What have I done??
Doctor: His last words were...Why why???
Shadow: Damn parrot... If he weren't dead I'd kill him right now!!!
Animal Rights protestor: What!!! He's a murderer!!
Shadow: Oh shit!! (jumps out the window)
Sabin: Umm doctor?
Doctor: You again? WHAT!!??
Sabin: There aren't any people here so can I see my chocobo now??
Doctor: NO!! We aren't ready for you yet!! Just sit here and wait!!
*********** NARSHE *************
Arvis: I am invincible!! MWA HA HA!!!
Locke: Your just an unimportant extra in an rpg, where you have little to no importance let alone the fact that you were supposedly dead after the World of Ruin!! Arvis what is your problem??
Edgar: And what do you think makes you so cool??
Arvis: Just watch!! (levitates the Slave Crown before him then places it on Lockes head)
Edgar: ooooo! I'm scared!!
Locke: ?
Arvis: KILL!! KILL MY PRETTY!!
Locke: (takes out a knife and starts to stab Edgar)
Edgar: I think not!! (Uses his Chainsaw to slice Locke in many peices)
Arvis: See! I have power over all!!!
Edgar: Locke! What have I done!? No Locke!! You can't die!! I never got to make fun of your name!! NOOOO!!
Arvis: Well thats the way the cookie crumbles....
Edgar: Locke...hehehe...
Arvis: So will you be here next week at the Bridge game??
Edgar: Oh yes that would be delightful
Arvis: Bye bye then!
Edgar: OK bye Arvis
******** Somewhere in the Mines *********
Terra: Why does everyone hate me?
Mog: Probably because you smell...
Terra: No that can't be it!
Mog: You don't bathe regularly!
Terra: I am above bathing!! I need it like I need a bleeding eye!!
Mog: Terra?? Your eye is bleeding.
Terra: Why! Why must god Torture me so!!
Mog: Because you belive you are Satan
Terra: So! That means nothing!!
Mog: Just a thought!
Terra: Wait a second....
Mog: Ok..... there I waited one second
Terra: Where am I? Who are you? And why do you have a yellow Twiddly-bop on your head??
Mog: I am a Moogle! Named Mog and you are in the mines!
Terra: You funny little man....
Mog: ???
Terra: Now I want answers so start talking!!
Mog: (runs as fast as his little feet can carry him)
Terra: He knows too much he must die!!
********** Club in Vector **********
Gogo: Ok folks how about this... a Drunk Darth Vadar! He's always so sober in the movies! This is what he is like.....
Drunk Darth Vadar: Hey Luke! I need to tell you something you little jedi you.......um....you know the Birds and the bees right? Good good... one less speech.... um well your mom and me.... he he he.... you know....a bird a bee.... what could we do! Anyway what I'm tryin' to say is that you were a mistake.... You can redeem yourself only be joining me in this cool thing...... I call it the shady side.......oh wait I mean black side.....er, well it's not important what that is but you need to join OK..... Gogo: Thank you Thank you!! You've been a great audience! Good night everyone....
*** Behind the Curtain ***
Gogo: The guy in the third row looks really funny so don't look at him OK
Celes: I don't know If I can do this
Gogo: What is wrong Celes you did it at the Opera house?
Celes: Yeah, but it's different here. The only people watching were the members of the
Orchastra and the Impressario.
Gogo: Well just think of them as an orchastra and me as your Impressario.
Celes: OK Here goes nothing
*** Steps out on stage ***
(Opera Music starts)
Celes: Oh my hero...
(music becomes stripper music)
Celes: (starts stripping)
Edgar: (runs in) Oh yeah baby! Take it off take it all off!!
Celes: Edgar! What are you doing here?
Edgar: It's about Locke....hehehe Locke...
Celes: What about him???
Edgar: Let's talk backstage.
Celes: OK...
*** Goes Backstage ***
Celes: So what happned?
Edgar: Well, we were over at Arvis' house having a spot of tea when Arvis started talking about how he was all powerful, you know Arvis...
Celes: No, actually I don't, but go on.
Edgar: Something about the caffine that goes to his head...Anyway, he takes my Chainsaw and slices Locke...hehehe Locke... into little peices!!
Celes: So what did you do???
Edgar: I ran.
Celes: And what did Locke do!
Edgar: I imagine he fell into small portions bleeding profusly!!!!
Celes: So is Locke dead???
Edgar: OF COURSE HE'S DEAD YOU DUMB BLONDE!!
Celes: WHAT!?! I am NOT a dumb blonde!!
Edgar: So what are you going to do about Locke...hehehe Locke.....
Celes: Well I think I'll say yes.
Edgar: ???
Celes: He asked me to marry him dummy!!
Edgar: HE CAN'T MARRY YOU NOW YOU BLONDE!!!
Celes: What! He called it off! (runs into the dressing room crying)
***** At a casino somewhere *****
Setzer: Hit me...
Gau: (hits Setzer)
Setzer: Stop that Gau!!!
Gau: You tell Gau!!
Setzer: I wasn't even talking to you!!
Setzer: Hit me again.... not you Gau... ALRIGHT I WIN!!! I am the worlds best gambler!!
Gau: Gau want play.
Setzer: You don't understand the basics of Blackjack!
Gau: GAU WANT PLAY!!! (please ignore the fact that he wants play from a woman also)
Setzer: Ok then Gau... Dealer......I'll put it all on this one...hehehe... hit me....oh yeah!!
Gau: Hit Gau! Hit Gau!! Hit Gau!!!
Setzer: No Gau that's all you can be hit!! You probably went over...
Gau: Over what??
Setzer: 21!! You can win by getting closest to 21 without going over! See I got 20 with a 10 a 9 and an Ace.
Gau: Gau get.. Ace, Ace, 3, 6, Jack... Gau win???
Setzer: WHAT!?! Gau you got 21 AND 5 cards!!!
Gau: Gau win!! Gau win!!! GAU WIN!!!
Setzer: !!!
Gau: Come to papa Gau!!
Setzer: Where did you learn that??
Gau: Best Gambler in world!! HA HA HA!! Gau Win!!
*** At the vet ***
Sabin- Ummmmm Doctor?
Doctor- Yes sir, what do you want this time!!!
Sabin- It's been 2 days Doc. Can I please see him now?
Doctor- He's not ready OK just be patient.
Sabin- You keep saying that but still I haven't seen him! What are you doing with him back
there?
(Mog runs in gasping for breath)
Mog- Doctor , I need you to stall this lady....
Doctor- No problem. I'll get all of my men on it.
Sabin- What about me though???
Doctor- SIR! Please do not bother me. I have important medical buisness to handle.
Sabin- ??? No you don't!!! Your helping Mog distract Terra!! That doesn't require your
medical attention!
Mog- Thanks alot Doc!
(He runs out as Terra comes in with a pitchfork and a torch)
Terra- The beast is loose! Break out the torches!
Sabin- Terra! The doctor is against you!!!
Doctor- Young lady! May I help you!
Terra- Not 5 minutes past since the monster passed this place! Follow me and I shall avenge
my brother!!!
Doctor- Yes lady there are many people back there who want to help you!
Terra- I must go or I will loose the scent!
Sabin- See Terra! He's trying to stop you, he is sexually abusing my Chocobo back there!
Help me and I will catch Mog with you.
Terra- Is this true what you are doing to poor Choco?
Doctor- No no no, I just want you to meet my friends in white coats.
Terra- Fool, I've already met them! You will die for your stalling!!!
* She stabs the Doctor with the pitchfork and then runs off with his decapitated head*
* Sabin then walks into the back room *
Sabin- Choco!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(Choco is lying there with blood trickling slowly out of his tail feathers)
*** Back at Vector in the theater ***
Celes- I won't talk to anyone til Locke apoligizes for breaking it off with me!
Edgar- Damnit Celes!! He's DEAD!! D-E-A-D!! Locke is DEAD!!!-he he he Locke...
Gogo- Well all the soldiers left, what the hell is going on?
*** Gogo takes out a cigarette and starts smokin' it ***
Edgar: Well Locke...he he he Locke...is DEAD!!!
Celes: You can say that again! When I see him he is DEAD!!!
Edgar: DAMNIT CELES!!!
Gogo: You know, you should have alot more mercy on her, she is only a blonde after all.
Edgar: You got me there Gogo. How come you know so much about blondes?
Gogo: I used to be one....
*** There is a long silence as the two stare at each other akwardly ***
***** In a Valley near Doma Castle *****
(Cyan is sitting watching the birds fly about as a small moogle approaches quickly)
Cyan: Mog! Art thou inst troubeleth?
Mog: Yes! Terra's on a killing spree and belives there is a bounty on my head!
Cyan: I seeith.
(Terra comes screaming over the horizon)
Terra: Take no prisoners! Don't shoot til' you see the whites of their eyes! MWA HA HA!!
Mog: Gotta Go!!! (Goes off running again)
Terra: You with the sword! Take the right flank while we blow in from the northeastern side!
That'll get the bastards!
Cyan: Thou speakest as thoughith thou ownith an armyith ofst some sortith.
Terra: Quit with the fancy talk Sarge! Explain it so I can understand it!
Cyan: I doth not noith of whatith thou speakest of.
Terra: Damnit Jim, I'm a Warrior not a pool boy!
Cyan: Thou mustith stopith chasingith Mog!
Terra: You dare oppose a commanding officer!! (With a quick swipe of her sword Cyans head
rolls of his neck and down the hill)
Cyan: Oh shitith!
*** Gau is counting up his money in the main hall of the Falcon as Relm approaches ***
Relm: Hi Gau! Whatcha doing?
(Gau unexpectedly talking in a deep sensual voice)
Gau: Waitin' for you baby.... (Shaft begins playing in the background and red and green lights
turn on)
Relm: What?
Gau: What say you and I go into the engine room and overheat it. ***(SHAFT!)***
Relm: Have you been taking drugs or is this some weird horny monster you are Raging?
Gau: The only thing raging is the love I feel for you, baby.
*** The door behind Relm opens up, and the music and lights turn off ***
Strago: Relm! Are you in here with a boyfriend of yours!
Relm: No Gramps! I'm just talking to Gau, but he's hitting on me!
Strago: GAU! Gau doesn't like girls! Do you my boy?
Gau: Gau no like girls!
(Relm stands slack-jawed that his voice and attitude changed so quickly)
Strago: Thats a good little monster-child!
Gau: (Flashes a weird smile at the bewildered Relm as Strago leaves)
*** At a Hair Salon in Vector ***
(Banon is styling Ultros' hair)
Banon: (talking with an extreme lisp) Oh no no no, this will not do!
Ultros: Whats wrong with it?
Banon: The red hair doesn't go with the purple of your octy skin. What I recommend is a color change to Blonde. That will accent your finesse!
Ultros: You really think so? I have a big preformance at the Opera house tonight.
Banon: Oh well then you need that color change so you can make a statement.
Ultros: Yeah. I have to impress the Impressario or else he won't let me preform at any one of his theateres again.
*** Banon looks at the people waiting ***
(Umaro is sitting reading a book, next to Gau who has a weird smile on his face and a new jacket. Just then Celes come in slightly crying, followed by Gogo)
Banon: Oh Deary what is wrong?
Celes: My boyfriend Locke broke off our wedding....
Banon: I know what'll help.
Celes: What?
Banon: (Rings a little bell) MAKEOVER!!
*Some big muscular guys in small leopard skin Speedo's come out*
(The men take Celes into a chair and begin giving her a huge makeover)
(Edgar soon comes in the door)
Banon: The man will melt in your hands when he sees you, ah!
Celes: You really think so?
Edgar: Celes!! Please try to understand. Locke is dead!!!....he he he Locke...
Banon: Oh my! Locke, I take it is your fiance?
Celes: Yes...
Banon: So your the necrophiliac type...I understand. I like those who express their sexuallity freely. Like me! I'm gay!
*Suddenly Kappa falls out of the sky and begins dancing*
Kappa: Hey! Can I get a soda over here! Thanks Bing! Well on this episode of "Weird Moment" we're at the top of the Third here and we have 3 dead characters! Oh wait, we only have 2 Bill! Oh thats what you think Bing! Lets go to Joe on the feild...Well we have a new player coming on....oh wait make that 2! This season is sure to be the best for a long while...Back to you two in the sky chopper.
*He then runs off*
Gogo: That was a little strange.
(Mog comes in the door gasping)
Mog: Oh no....No where to run...
(Terra Comes in afterwards)
Terra: The redcoats are upon us sir!
Mog: (grabs a nearby pair of scissors)
Terra: They have made a fatal error. They have decided to fight back...
Mog: Who is they?!?!?
*Thrusts forward with the scissors*
Terra: We need to strike back with the big guns!
*she pulls out a lightsaber and begins slashing at Mog*
Umaro: Now look see Terra. I find your hostile actions towards master Mog quite rash!
Terra: (she sheathes her sword and hangs her head in shame) Sorry Harry...
Umaro: and for the last time, my name is Umaro, not this Harry character you speak of.
Terra: I'm sure you think thats funny Harry but you are who you are! Like the Spaniards...I must be off. Those damn Spainiards have been asking for it.
Umaro: And wherever did you get that sword?
*she runs off frolicking into the distance*
*Suddenly a Zombie walks in*
Gogo: General Leo?!?!
Edgar: How would you know? You never met him!
Leo: Ghuuunnn aaahhuummm bbbrrraaaiiinnnsss!
*Edgar tosses a Pheonix Down at him and he disintegrates*
Gogo: Well that was easier than it looked...
Edgar: Yeah, I suppose we could have elongated that conflict a bit more, but the story is almost over and we have to wrap it up!!!
Gogo: Good point. (Sounding very false) Celes, lets go to the cafe for no particular reason of the audiences concern. You too Ultros!
Ultros: But my hair isn't done!
Gogo: Quiet you...
Edgar: I'll come too!(winks to Gogo who winks back afterwards)
*The 4 walk off to the cafe*
Banon: Well that does open a seat...Next please!
*Gau struts up*
Banon: And what does a fine young man like you want today.
Gau: (In his deep Shaft voice) I need a haircut so I can impress the ladies. Make it your finest.
Banon: Well if ladies is your thing.... (In case you haven't picked up the over-exaggeratory and stereotypical clues yet Banon is a homosexual, and for those of you under the age of 12, he's gay, and for those of you under the age of 8 he's a man lover, and for those of you who are under the age of 6, go the fuck away you little maggots)
Umaro: I have also noticed the end of this story coming up rather quickly, and seeing as how cutting my hair could take a page itself, I will also attend at the cafe for no reason to the audiences concern...even though I've already told you the reason.
*Umaro walks out contemplating on how ironic his statement was*
**Banon clips away at Gau's hair as Mog walks to the door**
Mog: Ladies and gentelmen, what you have seen may strike you as weird, useless, or simply mindless dribble. But let me assure you, you were correct. This literary work seems to have captured the futility of the world around us and materialized it into about 17 thousand characters. Now if you think the author of this brilliantly stupid peice, has wasted his time, think about this...you have just wasted your time reading it. Thank you, and don't forget to have your pet spayed or neutered.
*Mog walks out*
*****THE END***** |
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