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Class will begin promptly at ‘Whenever I am here’-
I will not have any drugs, alcohol, military apparel, salad bowls, shoe salesmen, football makers, topographic map specialists, or Physical Education college majors on my dance floor at any time. Unless you can think of an ornate way to hold them to the ceiling using a wad if gum, of course. No violence of any kind, unless it is me telling you to beat the crap out of someone else, or it is me slapping you profusely about the head and neck for messing up.
NOW LET THE CLASS BEGIN!
** Mog is standing in front of a group of 6 people: Edgar, Celes, Locke, Sabin, Umaro, and Leo **
Mog: Alright you primitive screw-heads, listen up! It’s time to learn the mystical art of dancing.
Umaro: Primitive!? How dare you!
(Storms out of the classroom)
Mog: Well it seems kinda pointless for him to have been here in the first place dudn’t it?
(Class shruggs. Edgar is busy looking at Celes chest, Locke is doing the same. Sabin is in the back meditating, and Leo is slowly inching towards him with his tongue licking his lips a few times.)
Mog: Now! Everyone knows you can’t dance in a room full of desks and chairs, so first I want you to throw all of these things out of the window.
(Everyone except Leo does so)
Umaro: (Screaming from outside) MY CAR!!! Son of a-
Mog: Leo, I noticed you didn’t help…….Sabin….deal with him.
(Sabin takes Leo, as he reaches towards Sabin’s head with his mouth gaping wide, and throws him out the window)
Umaro: (again from outside) OUCH!! Get off of me…..grumble…grumble…
Mog: Alright. Now…we’ll start with a simple sidestep twist formation, and then do a double step cross over. If you want you can try the triple toe twirl, but you don’t have to.
(Edgar, Locke, and Celes stand with blank stares on their faces. Sabin performs the triple toe twirl perfectly)
Mog: Good Job, Sabin!
Edgar: (mumbles) Show off….
Sabin: Just because you can’t do it is no reason to get jealous.
Edgar: (Takes out his chainsaw and raises it) AHHH!!
Mog: What did I say about military apparel!?
Edgar: It’s not military apparel, it’s hardware.
Mog: Oh ok….
Edgar: (continues raising chainsaw) AHHHHH!!
Mog: Wait!! What did I say about violence!?
Edgar: Oh…yeah….Sorry. (Drops chainsaw in guilt)
Mog: That’s better!
(Umaro busts in)
Umaro: Mog!! You and you’re class have done irreparable damage to my car, and for this I will see you in court!
Mog: Hmmmm. You owe me 75,000 gold for this class time.
Umaro: WHAT!?!?!
Mog: Yep, 75,000.
Umaro: This is absurd! I will not pay your ridiculous amount of money for you to mock me!
Mog: Well I guess we could you know ignore the class fee, if you’d ignore the slight damage to the car.
Umaro: SLIGHT DAMAGE!?!
Mog: Ok…Moderate….Do we have a deal?
Umaro: This is hardly legal.
Mog: Got it in ink right here. (Pulls out a contract signed by Umaro, from what seems to be nowhere)
Umaro: Where did you get that? And I don’t care what you say we have no deal.
Mog: The same place I got these mittens (pulls out some mittens), these clogs (pulls out a pair of wooden clogs), and this assault rifle (pulls it out and commences to shoot the hell out of him)
(Umaro falls to the ground bloody and strewn with bullet holes)
Mog: So where were we. Ahh yes, we’ll start with the waltz. Pair off.
(Sabin, looks to Edgar, and Edgar returns the look)
Mog: Oh c’mon it’s just a little dancing.
(Sabin and Edgar continue to look at each other, without moving)
Mog: I guess we could just take turns with Celes, if that’s not a problem with you Locke?
Locke: Sure, she’s just a woman in an RPG. Still, in a video game, you’d think I could have my way.
Mog: Alright, Edgar! Why don’t you start us off? (Looks to back room) HIT IT BOYS!
(The entire opera band comes out to play a simple waltz tune)
Celes: Oh it’s our song! I remember this dance from the opera, don’t you Locke?
Edgar: I’m not Locke, I’m Edgar……he he he….Locke…
Celes: Oh, right.
(Edgar slowly works his way lower and lower, until his hand is rested on Celes’ rump)
Edgar: You know you could probably dance better if you didn’t have all of those lanky clothes in your way.
Celes: Really? Is that true Mog?
Mog: Do whatever makes it feel natural. I don’t wear clothes when I dance.
Celes: Ok! (Strips down entirely in about 1.9 seconds)
Edgar: Whoa! That’s the first time that line worked!
(Edgar looks to Mog, and they exchange winks)
Celes: What line is that, Locke?
Edgar: I’m not Locke! I’m Edgar..…he he he….Locke…..he he he
(Leo suddenly appears in the classroom, and begins creeping over to Sabin’s juicy brain. Everyone in the class is quiet and it doesn’t notice him as they are mesmerized at the beautiful nude Celes)
Edgar: You know, you could probably dance better if I got undressed too, and we stood really close.
Locke: Watch it Edgar! She may be 16-bits of graphics but I still love her and no one else is gonna screw her before me!
Edgar: You wanna take this outside! (Reaches and pulls out his Drill)
Mog: Ah ah ah! You know the rule, no military apparel!
Edgar: Hardware, Mog. Hardware.
Mog: But what about violence?
Edgar: He doesn’t want us to see Celes! He’s trying to limit my peaceful dancing environment.
Mog: Good point….kill him… Or if you’d like to pay your 75 gold and leave… by all means.
(Umaro’s bloody remains of a head turn towards Mog)
Umaro: 75 GOLD!!!
Mog: Yeah! Strange underground snow monsters are harder to teach, and thus cost and extra 74,925 gold….exactly.
Umaro: That’s not fair at all!!
Mog: Oh right, I’ll get right to- (Takes out gun and shoots the head some more) Locke! Pay and leave, or die?
Locke: I’ll die for the woman I love….
(Edgar starts up his drill, as Locke stands in front of Celes. Celes is still dancing, holding an invisible person in Edgar’s stead. Suddenly a wave of mercy passes over Edgar, as he sees Locke’s true love. The drill slows down. The wave then passes and Edgar thrusts the drill into Locke. He spins so fast his limbs fly off and out of the window, but one leg hits Leo, who is munching on Sabin’s head. Sabin has a blank look on his face)
Edgar: SABIN!!! NOOO!
Sabin: (Snaps out of his blank stare) What? What the hell are you doing!? (He takes Leo, and throws him on the drill. Leo spins around with his zombie remains splattering around like insulator)
Mog: That was unnecessary violence! Edgar, 75 gold, get out!
(Umaro’s head rolls back around to yell at Mog but the gun is already aimed towards the decapitated mangled beast. Edgar gives 75 gold to Mog, then walks out.
Celes: Locke! Wait! (Runs after Edgar)
Edgar: I’m not Locke!! I’m EDGAR!!! Locke…..he he he
Locke: Wait Celes!! Your clothes! (Gathers Celes clothes and runs after her)
(Mog slowly approaches Sabin)
Mog: Can I ask you something?
Sabin: Sure?
Mog: How was it that you managed to not have your brain eaten by Leo?
Sabin: Well, you see, my brain was elsewhere. I was thinking with another part of my anatomy. (Points towards groin)
Mog: Ah! Hey, you wanna watch the tapes of Celes getting naked in the back!?
Sabin: SWEET!
******* THE END *******
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