IS IT FALL YET? Premeiers August 27, 2000 at 7:00pm(ET) on MTV
Believe the hype! We're talking blockbuster here! For TV anyway. And while you're waiting for that long-awaited premiere of Daria's first full-length movie, Is It Fall Yet?,
Cyberspace
By: Daria Morgendorpher
In cyberspace, you can be male or female, young or old, left-handed, right handed, or ambidextrous. (But be prepared for people getting the wrong idea about ambidextrous.) Freed from mundane physical reality, your virtual self can soar like an eagle through distant universes (or, if you still have dial-up, limp like a three-legged dog to the middle of the block).
Fueled by curiosity and free trial memberships, I left behind my mundane incarnation as a bespectacled suburban teenager to enter a digital miasma of ever-shifting identity where one can take on the role of wise druid, alien life form, or crabby old man ranting about the New World Order.
I was intrigued by the possibilities. For about five minutes. Then I realized that I had entered a world where people waste thousands of hours trading imaginary gold pieces and finding new ways to make faces out of punctuation marks.
What else did I discover? That people are willing to discuss their most intimate feelings with strangers they would cross the street to avoid in real life, and that an awful lot of guys choose to believe that a comely vixen's first choice in Saturday night entertainment is typing on a keyboard in hopes of meeting someone who can see past their looks.
Conclusion? Roleplayers are in danger of shutting out the real world entirely and retreating into a warped, subjective mental landscape. Cyberspace anonymity encourages antisocial, antagonistic behavior without the deterring fear of getting your ass whipped for real if you offend someone. So maybe it's a good thing after all.
Going,Going, Gone Digital
By: Jane Lane
Yo, webnecks and cybermonkeys. You like art? Who doesn't! But maybe you feel funny about walking into a gallery and having to face the turtlenecked snob who runs the place. Or uncomfortable at the thought of going to a museum, cutting a Renoir out of its frame and sneaking it away inside a hollowed-out walking stick. Well, now you can acquire great art without messy human contact. The internet is all about anonymity -- yours as an art buyer, mine as an artist. Wait, that didn't sound right, but let's move on for now.
I want you to have some first-rate art. So I'm bypassing the critics, dealers, and curators and creating a site to showcase my own work. After all, if Van Gogh'd had a home page, maybe he wouldn't have suffered such complete neglect and cut off his ear just for attention. Or if he did cut it off, at least he could have charged for the live video feed.
As a special bonus, you have the opportunity to purchase fine works not only by me but by members of my talented family. Once they caught wind of my e-commerce endeavor, they paid me the ultimate compliment by horning in on the act. It's great to be the youngest.
A Guide To Digital Dressing
By: Quinn Morgendorpher
As Vice President of the Lawndale High Fashion Club, it is my duty to examine the social impact of advances in shopping technology by fully researching the impact of online commerce on teenage buying habits and credit card abuse (at least until Mom and Dad find out).
Shopping on the Internet is very convenient and private, which is a good thing if you are really a size larger than your friends think you are (not me) or are fed up with certain people making comments in the dressing room about your shoulder blades being of uneven elevation, which they are just imagining.
The downside is that you can't try anything on unless you pay for it, so you don't get to see how great you look in outfits that are way out of your price range.
And let's say the delivery comes when you're at home alone and you try on a lavender slip dress with eyelet edging and it gets stuck on your head while you are taking it off and there is no one there to help you and you can't even see to dial the phone for help and you have to wait until your sister comes home and beg her not to take pictures. Not that it ever really happened, no. What sister?
Now if you think charging in cyberspace is cool, just wait until the future! I hear that shopping implants are being invented in some cold country where everyone is blonde, and soon you will just have to think about something to automatically buy it.
At least that's what Daria told me before she went off to spend her dirty hush money on some depressing book.
Untitled
By: Brittany
Are you too pooped to pep? Too funky to be spunky? Your skirt is pleated but you're feeling defeated? Your poms are fluffy but life is toughy? You made the squad but are feeling like... a pod? (That rhymes, I think.)
Cheerleading is a very stressful activity and there's lots of pressure to be perfect, which is hard to do, even if you are. Who can you talk to? The school nurse? She'll just hand you a lollipop with some weird flavor like tangerine and say something dumb about "ladies' days."
People think that cheerleaders don't have problems. If only they knew about our secret longings and most intimate moments. I guess some do, especially those jerks who drilled a hole in the girls locker room wall. (I wish those darn budget cuts would go away so we could get the custodian to fix it! It's been two years now!)
When I first got my computer I used it for practical things like horoscopes and ordering replacement noses for my teddy bears (they're all better now, thank you!). But then I found my first support group. I was using the search thingie to look for a bra. (Who knew the word "support" has so many meanings?) Instead of a demi-cup with front clasp, I discovered people sharing their feelings and helping each other through tough times like divorce and diseases and when their favorite soap opera gets cancelled.
I realized that cheerleaders needed a place to talk about painful topics like self-image and pulling muscles in certain places. So I started one. Now I really like helping people and talking to cheerleaders from all over who don't go to my school so they won't start spreading rumors about how I got those grass stains on the back of my uniform. I mean, the front. I mean, oh, never mind.
PLEASE PASS THE PEACE PACT
By Daria Morgendorffer, Pop Culture Icon
I am not a diplomatic person. My stubborn and intractable nature doesn't lend itself to the art of subtle negotiation. You won't find me on the international stage clicking glasses with dictators, fiddling with my headphones during United Nations proceedings, or inadvertently giving away Poland after a bad bowl of borscht.
Nevertheless, I think I have something to contribute the Middle East peace process. I reject the idea that clashing ideologies and territorial disputes must result in a permanent state of war. I know of two parties who are diametrically opposed on every substantial issue of the day, whose mutual mistrust is deep-seated and well-founded, yet who have come to transcend their historic divisions and live semi-peacefully under the same roof. I am speaking, of course, of myself and my sister Quinn.
The Morgendorffer Accords (also known as the "Kitchen Counter Talks") were signed in the spring of this year, after a decade and a half of constant tension, unrest, rolling eyes, and tongue clucks. Negotiations were intense and close to complete collapse on a number of occasions (e.g. every time the phone rang), but ultimately successful. Bloodshed was avoided (with the exception of an unfortunate paper cut) and we currently maintain a state of harmonious disinterest.
The following basic principles of conflict resolution were responsible for the historic breakthroughs of this successful sibling summit:
1. Create clear and mutually recognized borders: The integrity of the bedroom threshold shall not be breached for any reason. Installation of barbed wire was helpful with this issue.
2. Respect territorial integrity: A demilitarized hallway buffer zone was established and a no-fly policy implemented. As Quinn remarked at the treaty banquet, "Flies are so icky."
3. Assure each side access to essential resources: Particularly the refrigerator and the bathroom. No one wants a replay of the bitter Cold Cream War of 1998.
4. Establish economic ties: When tensions reach a boiling point, I simply give Quinn ten bucks to go away.
5. Address the present, not the past: I could make the case that I was born first and therefore am entitled to complete and utter autocratic rule, but then Mom and Dad might offer the same logic, and who needs that?
6. Be flexible: Talks can easily break down if both parties take a hard line. Quinn agreed with me on this point; of course she thought we were talking about eyeliner.
7. Agree to independent, outside monitoring: We use our parents because they're a lot like the UN -- they think they're more powerful than they are and can't agree on anything.
So there you have it. My ability to achieve a lasting truce with my sister is proof positive that peace in our time is an achievable goal. Of course, things would have been a lot different if I'd ever been able to get my damn Anti-Quinn Missile Defense System working.
Yours in détente,
Daria
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