**Author’s Note: The Past that Haunts is by no means recommended for those prejudiced against the shay’a’chern (homosexual) preference. Several of the characters in this story have that preference, so if you don’t like it, read something else. But, if you are not prejudiced, then, please, enjoy. This story does not deal with sexual activity because I personally feel that there is too much of that sort of thing in the world. If you like that sort of thing, read something else; stories like that aren’t that hard to find. Now, if you haven’t run away by now, please, read. Collective criticism is always welcome, so, please, if you find a flaw, e-mail it to theviper1@go-concepts.com. **
The Past that Haunts
By: Viper
Prologue
Vincent Valentine
I have never told anyone of my past. It never seemed worthy of me to bestow my own sorrows on those who had their own. They asked, of course, but how could I tell them? It would have killed Tifa, and she was already so sensitive what with Aeris’s death and Cloud’s identity crisis. The other members of AVALANCHE were too busy with their own affairs to pay much attention to me. So I never told them.
I have never spoken of the reason why I refused to fight Sephiroth, why I claimed I was only after Hojo. Indeed, there was a time when I loved Lucrecia Madison, but that is not the reason I can barely live with myself. Yes, I was jealous of Hojo for taking her away from me, but how could I blame her? He was everything she had ever wanted, and deep down inside he did love her. No, the reason for my self-hatred lies elsewhere.
Now that the crisis to the Planet is over, I still haven’t satisfied my soul. I’m still searching for something, something I will never find. Someone I will never find, to be exact.
Leaving my friends—yes, I do think of them as friends, though I may not act like it—was hard. But what need have they of me? None. In the end, Cloud will find the one who loves him, Cid will return to his beloved Highwind and Shera, Barret will return to Marlene, Yuffie to her hometown, even Red has a place to return to. But me? I have nothing but the past to return to. I am an abomination; I should be dead by now. I never lived a life, and I never will. I am ageless, deathless, filled with a howling monster who fights to control me. What right have I to live with others, to be normal? None. I lost normality long ago, when I agreed to protect the scientists in the JENOVA project.
I have no purpose anymore. I might as well leave for a cave to rot my days away. I did what I had to; I helped rid the world of twin terrors. But now all I am is a deathless body full of…memories. I have returned to the cavern where I last saw Lucrecia in the hope of finding some kind of peace within myself, but I fear that it will never come…
Cloud Strife
What could I say to her? That I loved her? How could I explain that I couldn’t love her until I loved myself? She’s always understood me, better than anyone else. I’m not worthy of her, and I don’t know how to make her believe that. I was a puppet, manipulated by Sephiroth and Hojo. I don’t know who I am or what I am. And yet, she still loves me.
I could say I loved her, which would be partially true. But I can’t truly love her unless I am content with myself. And I’m still in turmoil. Despite everything, despite killing Sephiroth and saving the planet, I’m still trying to find my true identity.
So I left her. She tried not to cry, gods how she tried, but they were still there, the tears. I could barely stand it, seeing those soft brown eyes wavering like that. How could I explain things to her? I know she thinks I’m in love with Aeris. I wasn’t. I never was. For a while I was confused, but no longer. I believe now that the things I felt for Aeris were my desperate attempts to forget her, to drown out my feelings of the past. But how could I forget her? I couldn’t, of course, but perhaps it is best to let her believe that I did love Aeris, at least for right now. Until I get things straightened out in my head.
My head. It’s been screwed up so much I can barely separate fact from fiction. Sometimes I can still hear him in my head, telling me to do things, to hurt people. He was my idol. I worshipped the ground he walked on, and he trampled me like the dirt I was. I don’t see how she doesn’t see me like this; I don’t see how she can love me, despite all that I am.
But since she does love me, I’m going to try to get everything straightened out, so that I can return her love. I just hope that, when I return, she’ll still want me…
Cid Highwind
What am I supposed to do? How do I explain away all the things I’ve said to her in the past? How can I live with myself, after I’ve tortured her for more than five years, made her practically a slave to be screamed at? I can’t, of course. I know, deep down, that when I return her arms will be open, forgiving. But I can’t forgive myself as easily as that.
I feel like Cloud, sometimes. We’re alike in many ways. We’re both haunted by our pasts. We both have women who love us unconditionally.
I asked Cloud if he’d join me while he searched for himself, but he declined. Just as well, I suppose. I need time to figure out what I’m going to say to her. What can I say to make up for all the wrong I’ve done? I don’t want to go back to her and then leave her again, like Cloud’s done to Tifa. I don’t want to see the look in her eyes that I saw in Tifa’s eyes when Cloud left her. I don’t want to return to her without finding forgiveness.
Every time I close my eyes anymore, she’s all I see, all I can think about. I’d do anything for her, so long as I could ease some of the pain that I’ve caused her in the past. Hell, I wouldn’t mind giving up smoking for her. But I’m scared that if I return too soon I’ll be the same I was before, heartless and cold. She doesn’t deserve that. She deserves someone who loves her completely, like the way Vincent loved Lucrecia. I can’t be that right now. Not yet.
So I’m leaving for a while, perhaps to find a little adventure and maybe fix the wrongs I’ve done. And maybe, when I come back, I’ll be worthy of her… |
