Final Fantasy VII and the Holy Grail - Games - http://maxpages.com/everythingff7/FF7_and_the_Holy

I'm the narrator. Read on and enjoy this hilarious story!

Setting: Kalm

There is a mist in the city. You can hear hores hooves in the distance. A woman appears with a man beating 2 coconut halves together. They go to the Castle-like building.

Man: Who is there?
Aeris: It is Aeris, queen of the Ancients.
Man: Who is?
Aeris: I am. And this is my trusty servant Rufus.
Rufus: Hi.
Aeris: We are looking for people to join us at the Reunion at the Northern Crater. May I speak to you lord or master?
Man: You're riding a horse?
Aeris: Yes!
Man: You're banging coconuts!
Aeris: What?
Man: You are banging 2 coconut halves together.
Aeris: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Midgar.
Man: Where did you get those cocnuts?
Aeris: Through...we found them.
Man: Found them? In the Kingdom of Midgar? Those are tropical!
Aeris: What do you mean?
Man: This isn't tropical!
Aeris: The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.
Man: Are you saying cocnuts migrate?
Aeris: NO! Wil you please take us to your lord?
Man: In order for a 5 ounce swallow to carry a 1 pound coconut, they need to flap their wings 493 times every second.
Aeris: PLEASE! Take us to your lord!
Man: Yet it could be carried by an African swallow, but not a European.
Aeris: PLEASE!!!!!
Man: But African swallows don't migrate.
Aeris and Rufus turn around and "gallop" away. They go to Cosmo Canyon.
Cart Driver: Bring out your dead!
Everyone brings out the dead people.
Aeris: Old woman!
Man: MAN!
Aeris: Sorry. Where is the next castle?
Man: I'm 37.
Aeris: What?
Man: I'm 37. I'm not old.
Aeris: You want me to say "Hey man!"
Man: Maybe.
Aeris: Who is your lord?
Man: We don't have a lord. Who are you?
Aeris: I am Aeris Aeris, queen of the Ancients.
Man: We have a queen?
Aeris: Yes. You didn't know?
Man: How the h*** would I know. I didn't vote for you.
Aeris: Oh, forget it!
Aeris and Rufus "gallop away." They gallop to the Ancient Forest where they find a little, fat black knight(Palmer) win a fight against another knight.
Aeris: You're fighting skills are great! Will you join me?
Palmer: ...
Aeris: I am Aeris. Queen of the Ancients.
Palmer: ...
Aeris: You have proven yourself worthy, will you join me and my servant Rufus to the Reunion at the Northern Crater?
Palmer: ...
Aeris: Sad. Oh well. We'll be going...
Palmer: None shall pass.
Aeris: What?
Palmer: I stand for no man.
Aeris: Fine. We'll have to fight then.
Aeris grabs her Striking Staff and fights Palmer. They fight and Aeris cuts off one of Palmer's arms.
Aeris: I win!
Palmer: I can still fight!
Aeris: No you can't.
Palmer Yes I can. Tis' but a scratch!
Aeris: A scratch? You're arm's off!
Palmer: No it isn't!
Aeris: What is that then?
Aeris points to the ground at the arm.
Palmer: I've had worse!
Palmer and Aeris fight some more. Aeris cuts off his other arm. Aeris prays.
Aeris: Oh lord. This fight is in your honor...
Palmer kicks Aeris.
Aeris: What the? The fight is mine.
Palmer: Come on!
Aeris: You yellow bellied bas****. You don't have any arms left.
Palmer: Course I have.
Aeris: LOOK!
Palmer: It's just a flesh wound!
Aeris and Palmer fight more and she cuts off one of his legs.
Palmer: I shall win!
Aeris: What are you going to do? Bleed on me?
Palmer: I'm invincible!
Aeris: You're a loony.
Aeris chops the other leg of.
Palmer: Alright. We'll call it a draw.
Aeris:Come Rufus.
Palmer: Running away eh'? You bas****! Come back here! I'll bite your legs off!
Aeris and Rufus "gallop away to Nibelheim. They hear loud shouting.
Man: A witch! We found a witch! May we burn her?
red XIII: Do you know if she is a witch?
Man: Look at her!
Woman: They put a fake nose on me!
Red XIII: Is this true?
Man: Wel, we did the nose. And the hat. But she is still a witch!
Red XIII: How do you know?
Man: She turned me into a newt!
Red XIII: A newt?
Man: I got better!
All: A WITCH! BURN HER! BURN HER!
Red XIII: Wait! How do witches burn?
Everyone doesn't know.
Man: She's made of wood?
Red XIII: Exactly. But how can we tell if she is made of wood?
All: Burn her!
Red XII: Wait! What else does wood do?
Man: Floats?
Red XIII: Exactly! What else floats?
All: Small rocks? Leaves?
Aeris: A Chocobo!
Red XIII: Exactly!
Man: So if she weighs the same as a chocobo...
Red XIII: She is made of wood! And that will tell us that she is...
All: A witch! Fetch the chocobo!
R+Everyone weighs the woman and the chocobo. They weigh the same. Everyone takes the woman away.
Red XIII: Who are you, so wise?
Aeris: I am Aeris, queen of the Ancients. Will you join us at the court in the Northern Crater?
Red XIII: I'd be honored!
Aeris: Then you are Sir... what is your name?
Red XIII: Red XIII.
Aeris: Then I dub thee Sir Red XIII.
Red XIII: Thank you Sir.
TOMBR13:And Red XIII joined Aeris and Rufus. Others soon followed. Sir Cloud the Brave. Sir Barret the Pure. Sir Cid-the-who-is-not-so-pure-as-Sir-Cloud, who had nearly fought the Dragon of Mt. Nibel, who nearly stood up to the vicious chocobo of Junon, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Fort Condor. And the aptly named...Sir-not-appearing-in-this-story. They walked further into their journey...until one day.
Red XIII: And that, my lord, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
Aeris: Could you please explain that again?
Red XIIII: I'll be glad to.
Cloud: LOOK!
Everyone sees a huge crater.
Aeris: The Northern Crater!
Cloud: The Northern Crater.
Barret: The Northern Crater.
Rufus: It's only a model.
Aeris: SH! Knights! I bid you welcome to your new home! Let us ride to the Northern Crater!
The scene changes to people dancing and singing like nuts.
Aeris: On second thought...let's not go there.
Cloud, Red XIII, Barret, and Cid: Right.
Aeris: It is a silly place.
They all "gallop" away again. I booming voice is heard. A beautiful woman appears.
Ifalna: Aeris, queen of they Ancients.
Aeris and the others bow.
Ifalna: NO NO NO! Don't do that.
Aeris: Sorry.
Ifalna: Don't do that either. I can't stand people who forgive and say "I'm not worthy." It's like those psalms. They're so depressing. Now, Aeris, queen of the Ancietns. I have a task for you. Behold, this is the Holy Grail.
An image of the Holy Grail appears in the sky.
Ifalna: You are to find this. That is all.
Ifalna dissapears.
Cloud: A blessing. A blessing from an Ancient.
Aeris: Well, let's go!
Everyone marches to another castle.
Aeris: Hello there! Is anyone here?
Reeve: Allo! Whoo is eet?
Aeris: I am Aeris, queen of the Ancients. We have been summoned by God to search for the Holy Grail. We are to look into your castle.
Reeve: We already got one!
Aeris: I beg your parden!
Reeve: We already got one!
Reeve looks at some guards.
Reeve: Psst...psst...(I told him we already got one.)
Guards: He he he he!
Aeris: Well, can we go up and look?
Reeve: Of curse not! You are English pigs!
Aeris: Then you don't have one. Besides, what are you?
Reeve: I am French. Couldn't you tell from my outragious accent, you silly queen.
Barret: What are you doing in Midgar?
Reeve: Mind your own buisness!
Aeris: If you don't show us the grail, then we shall storm your castle!
Reeve: You don't frighten us, you English pig-dog.
Aeris: I'm an Ancient!
Reeve: Ancient pig-dog!
Barret: What a strange person!
Aeris: Now look here my good man!
Reeve: I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
Cloud: What's an elderberry?
Barret: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
Aeris: This is your last chance!
Reeve speaks French.
Aeris: Alriht. Time to storm the castle in the honor of...CHRIST!
A cow is launched from the castle.
Aeris: RUN AWAY!
Everyone runs away. The cow lands on them.
Barret: What a cruel thing to do!
Red XIII: *sniff sniff* It hasn't been milked.
Aeris: CHARGE!
Everyone runs towards the castle. Reeve and the others throw crap off the Castle.
Aerris: RUN AWAY!
Everyone retreats again.
Red XIII: I havea plan!
Reeve looks around a bit. He hears sounds of heavy construction. Aeris and the others push a large wooden rabbit to the gates. Reeve and 3 guards push it into the castle.
Aeris: Explain this to me again.
Red XIII: Well, myself, Sir Cloud, and Sir Barret wait until nighfall and we leap out of the rabbit and take the French by surprise and not only by surprise, but totally unalarmed.
Aeris: Who...who leaps out?
Red XIII: er...we...Cloud, Barret and I..leap out of the rabbit...and...
Cloud covers his eyes.
Red XIII: Look, if we were to build a large wooden badgar...
They hear a noise and see the rabbit flying out of the castle.
Aeris: RUN AWAY!
Everyone runs away.
Shinra: Overcoming the castle of the French seemed impossible, so they decided to go the're own ways...
Odin runs past Shinra and slashes at his throat.
TOMBR13: Anyhoo, as the old man said, they decided to go they're own ways. Now is the tale of Sir Cid. He brought his favorite Minstrels with him. Yuffie the lead singer. Tifa the tamborine player, Scarlet the flutist, and Aeris and drummer. They sing throughout the entire journey.
Yuffie: Bravely bold Sir Cid, rode forth from the Northern Crater. He was not afraid to die, oh breave Sir Cid. He was not at all afraid, to be killed in nasty ways. Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Cid...
Cid: Er...that's enough music for today.
Yuffie: Brave , Sir Ci...
Cid: Shut up!
Cid and the minstrels walk along passed 3 knights impaled to a tree. They meet up with a giant who has 3 heads.
Reno: Halt! Who arrt thou?
Yuffie: He is brave Sir Cid, brave Sir Cid, who..
Cid: Shut up. No one. Just passing by!
Elena: What do you want?
Yuffie: To fight and...
Cid: SHUT UP! Nothing really.
Rude: This is my bit of the forest. Get your own.
Cid: I am from the Northern Crater! I am seeking the Holy Grail! Will you let us pass?
Rude: You are a knight of the Northern Crater?
Cid: I am.
Reno: S***.
Rude: I shall have to kill you!
Reno: Shall I?
Elena: I don't think so. Sorry about all this. I have to be fair.
Cid: It's alright. now, are you going to kill me with the axe?
Reno: Sword.
Rude: Dagger.
Elena: Mace is quicker.
Reno: But sword is easier.
Elena: He said axe.
Cid: Hurry up 6 eyes, or I will have to chop your head off.
Elena: Cut THAT head off and do us all a favour.
Reno: What do you mean?
elena: you are always yapping.
Rude: Well, your lucky that you aren't next to him.
Reno: Why?
Rude: You snore!
Elena: ooh lies, anyway you have bad breath.
Rude: I do not! It's not my fault! It's what you eat!
Reno: Let's stop b****ing, we got a knight to kill!
Elena: Oh, let's be nice to him!
Reno: Shut up! Give me my sword so I can cut his head off.
Elena: Oh cut your own head off!
Rude: Yes, do us all a favour!
Reno: OH SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU!
Rude: Hey, he left!
Elena: Yohoo!
Cid and his minstrels leave.
Yuffie: Sir Cid ran away.
Cid: I didn't!
Yuffie: Bravely ran away, away.
Cid: No, no, no.
Yuffie: When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled. Yes brave Sir Cid turned about, and gallantly he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. Bravest of the brave Sir Cid. Petrified of being dead. Soiled his pants then brave Sir Cid. Turned away and fled.
TOMBR13: The tale of Sir Barret.
It is pouring rain outside. Barret seeks shelter. He then sees a castle in the Forgotten City. Above the castle is an image of the Holy Grail.
Barret: The Grail! I found the Grail!
Barret runs to the castle as fast as he could.
Barret: Open. Open this door. In the name of Queen Aeris, open this door! I am a knight of the Northern Crater!
The door opens. He falls into the castle.
????: Hello.
Barret looks up.
Barret: Reno? Is that you? I thought you were one of the heads on that giant?
Reno: Yeah, well there's a shortage of charachters. I'm stuck playng Zoot.
Barret: Zoot?
Reno: QUIET! Now, you look very tired.
Barret: What?
Reno: Welcome to the Castle of the Forgotten City brave Sir Knight.
Barret: Zuh?
Reno: Yes, not a good name, but we will attend your every need because we are nice. What is it you want?
Barret: Uh...yeah? Well, I seek the Grail and I need shelter. I saw it here!
Reno: You need rest! Midget! Crapper!
Elena and Rude come up.
Barret: What the h*** is going on here?!
Reno: Like I said before, shortage of characters. Come.
Reno, Rude, and Elena leave.
Barret: This is beggining to get insane!
Barret follows them.
Reno: Here you are. Sleep well.
Renoo leaves.
Barret: Good rithens. You looney!
Elena: You're hurt!
Barret: Oh it's nothing!
Rude: We must help you!
Barret: NO!
Barret leaves. He runs around and another person bumps into him.
Barret: Not you to Tseng?
Tseng: Yes.
Barret: I saw the Grail! I saw it here!
Tsegng: Oh, nuaghty, naughty Reno. Bad, bad Reno.
Barret: What?
Tseng: Our headlight is grail shaped.
Barret: You mean the Grail isn't here?!
Tseng: No I guess not.
Tseng and Barret walk aroung talking about Reno's punishement.
Tseng: First, you must strap him...er, her, to the bed, and spank her! Do what ever you want afterwards, but after you spank her....errr...spank...me!
Girls: Yes yes!
Cloud comes bursting through.
Cloud: Sir Barret! You're in parrel! Come on! We need to get you out of here!
Barret: But I want to spank the girls!
Cloud: NOT NOW!
Cloud and Barret leave.
Tsweng: Oh, s***.
TOMBR13: Now it's time for Aeris, queen of the Ancients and Red XIII. They were the only ones who seemed to have any progress in finding the Holy Grail.
Aeris and Red XIII are in a hiut with an old wise man.
Aeris: This enchanter you speak of, where is he?
Budenhagen: He knows of a cave...a cave whom no man has entered.
Aeris: And the Grail is in there?
Budenhagen: Ho ho ho...There is much danger. For beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
Aeris: But the Grail? Where is the Grail.
Budenhagen: Seek out the Bridge of Death.
Aeris: The Bridge of Death...which leads to the Grail?
Budenhagen laughs and dissappears. The look around and find themseles in the middle of the Woods. They "gallop" farther into the Woods. They here strange noises. They suddenly stop.
Vincent: Ni!
Aeris and Red XIII back off.
Aeris: Who are you?
Vincent: We are the Knights who say...Ni.
Knights: Ni. Ni. Ni.
Red XIII: NO! Not the Knights who say Ni!
Vincent: The same!
Aeris: Who are they?
Vincent: We are the keepers of the sacred words. Ni.
Vincent: The Knights of Ni demand...a sacrifice!
Aeris: Please, we are but humble travelers. We seek an enchanter who is beyond these woods and who...
Vincent: Ni!
Knights: Ni. Ni. Ni.
Aeris: OH!
Red XIII: Ugh.
Vincent: We shall say Ni again if you do not appease us.
Aeris: Well, what is it you want?
\Vincent: We want...a shruberry!
Aeris: A what?
Vincent: Ni!
Knights: Ni. Ni. Ni.
Aeris; OK OK!
Vincent: If you don't give us a shruberry, you will not pass these woods, alive!
Aeris: Thank you Knights of Ni. We'll give you your shruberry!
Vincent: One that looks nice.
Aeris: Of course.
Vincent: And not too expensive.
Aeris: Yes...
Vincent: Now, go!
Aeris and Red XIII turn around and ride off.
Knights: Ni. Ni. Ni!
Scene changes back to Shinra. SOLDIER investigates this.
TOMBR13: The Tale of Sir Cloud.
The Scene changes to a castle in Junon. A queen is with her son.
JENOVA: One day this will all be yours.
Heidegger: The curtains?
JENOVA: No, not the curtains. All that!
JENOVA pionts to the land outside the castle.
Heidegger: But father...
JENOVA: Mother.
Heidegger: But mother, I don't want land.
JENOVA: Litsen lad, I built this kingdom from scratch. All there was was a swamp. I built a castle there, it sank into the swamp. I built another. It sank into the swamp. I built another. That fell over and then sank into the swamp. I built another and it sayed. THat's what your going to get lad, a strong kingdom!
Heidegger: I don't want all that, I'd rather...
JENOVA: Rather what!
Heidegger: I'd rahter...sing.
Music begins to play.
JENOVA: No, no, no. You're not singing when I'm around! Listen. Your going to marry a beautiful lady in 20 minutes. She has acres and acres of land in Corel.
Heidegger: I don't want land.
JENOVA: Listen Heidi.
Heidegger: Heidegger.
JENOVA: Listen Heidegger, I built this castle on a bloddy swamp. We need all the land we can get!
Heidegger; But I don't like her!
JENOVA: Why not. She's young, rich, has huge...tracks of land.
Heidegger: I know, but I want to sing...
Music plays.
JENOVA: Stop it! Guards! Make sure he doesn't kleave the room until I come and get him.
Guard: Right. Not let him in, even if you come and get him.
JENOVA: No no. Until I come and get him.
Guard: Right. Until you come and get him, we are not to enter the room.
JENOVA: No. Stay here and make sure he doesn't leave. I'll get him
Guard: OK.
JENOVA begins to leave. The 2 guards follow.
JENOVA: What are youd oing?
Guard: We're coming with you.
JENOVA: NO! Stay here, and don't let him leave. I'll get him!
Guard: OK.
Music begins to play.
JENOVA: And NO singing.
JENOVA leaves. Heidegger takes a peice of paper and writes something on it. He ties it to an arrow and shoots it out the window. Cloud and his servant Cait Sith are walking along. The arrow goes into Cait Sith.
Cait Sith: Message for you Sir.
Cait Sith falls to the ground.
Cloud: To who ever gets this, I am imprisoned in my mother's castle and forced to marry against my will. Please help me! Cait Sith. You shouldn't have died invane.
Cait Sith: I'm alright.
Cloud: Ok.
Cait Sith: I'm getting better.
Cloud: Stay here.
Cloud goes running to the castle. 2 guards watch Cloud come closer. Cloud gets to the gates and kills 1 guard.
Guard: Hey.
Cloud enters the castle and begins to slash everyone. The scene changes to inside the castle.
Bride's maid: Oh, you look so beautiful for your wedding.
Marlene: Thank you.
Cloud enters the room and slashes everyone and kicks Marlene in the chest. Cloud continues killing everyone until he gets into the room where Heidegger is.
Heidegger: Hurry Cloud!
Cloud: Uh...yes?
JENOVA: Come with me!
JEONVA and Cloud leave. JEONVA cuts the rope. Heidegger falls down.
Heidegger: AAAHHHHH!
Cloud and JENOVA enter another room.
Man: THERE HE IS! He killed the Best Man.
Cloud: Sorry. I just get carried away witht this kind of stuff.
Woman: He kicked the bride!
Cloud: Sorry!
Man: He killed my auntie!
Cloud: So sorry! Gotta go!
Cloud grabs a rope and swings away. He didn't push himself hard enough and is swaying back and forth.
Cloud: Could someone give me a push?

The rest of this story will be concluded in FF7 and the Holy Grail Part 2!

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Page Updated Sat Jun 17, 2000 7:16pm EDT