TOP 10 COMPLAINTS OF MODERN-DAY VAMPIRES



10. Grunge look makes it tough to
tell living from undead.

9. Three words: Daylight Savings
Time

8. Can't enjoy a meal at BURGER
KING without some redneck
yelling, "Look...it's Elvis!!"

7. After 45 years of Communist
rule, it's impossible to find
clean, uncontaminated
Transylvanian soil for bottom of
coffin.

6. No bat is safe with Ozzy
Ozbourne around.

5. All the crucifix-wearing Madonna
clones make finding easy victims
difficult.

4. No warm blood for miles around
DC.

3. Buxom wenches of old have been
replaced by aerobicized
"hardbodies."

2. Fat-free blood tastes like crap!

AND THE #1 COMPLAINT OF MODERN-DAY VAMPIRES:

1. Sick and tired of being mistaken
for Keith Richards!

THE PROS & CONS OF DATING A
VAMPIRE*


Pro
-----------
Long relationships
Allowed to stay out late
Easy weight loss
Centuries of experience
Immune to all diseases
Always has amazing stamina
Loves neck nibbling
Rarely interested in arguing religion
Never comes home with garlic breath
Doesn't snore; sleeps like the dead

Con
-----------
You always feel tired (loss of blood)
Kissing can be lethal
Monogamy is a problem
Always has cold feet and hands
Pet names that give you chills
Strange friends
Giggles at funerals
Hard to win an argument
May forget own strength

*(creation is attributed to Pete Shipley)

What is a vampire's favorite mode of
transportation?
A blood vessel.

Why did the vampire's lunch give him
heartburn?
It was a stake sandwich.

Why was the vampire so grumpy when he
first woke up?
He woke too early in the mourning.

What's fast food to a vampire?
Someone with HIGH blood pressure.

Why do cemeteries have fences around
them?
Because people are dying to get in.

What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving.

What's it like to be kissed by a
vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.

Why did the vampire give his
girlfriend a blood test?
To see if she was his type.

What do you get if you meet a vampire
on the coldest night of the year?
Frost-bite.

How do vampires begin letters?
Tomb it may concern.

Why do vampires never get divorced?
They prefer to bury their problems.

Three vampires went into a bar and
sat down. The barmaid came over to
take their orders. "And what would
you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"
The first vampire said, "I'll have a
mug of blood." The second vampire
said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The third vampire shook his head at
his companions and said, "I will have
a glass of plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order,
went to the bar and called to the
bartender,
"Two bloods and a blood light."

A vampire bat came flapping in from
the night covered in fresh blood and
parked himself on the roof of the
cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats
smelled the blood and began hassling
him about where he got it.
He told them to knock it off and let
him get some sleep but they persisted
until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out
of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the
other bats excitedly milled around
him.
"Now, do you see that tree over
there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all
screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because
I DIDN'T!"

FANTASY HOMEPAGE
everafter

MARIA'S FAN FICTION LIST
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