Lexie's Journey Into Eating Disorders and Back Out Again - A girl with dignity, strength, faith, love, responsibility, and an eating disorder. - Health - http://maxpages.com/elliesownpage/Lexies

I am not even sure where to start. Born into the typical American family, two parents, I made the second kid and two dogs in a ranch style house. All nice and safe and happy. Until I turned four. That was when the father of my best friend sexually abused me for the first time. It would go on for four years. I didn't tell anyone then, becuase I was scared to death of what might happen to me if I did tell. So I kept my mouth shut. and shoved those memories into the back corners of my mind where they would remain until I was 23 years old.

I started gymnastics when I was five, girl scouts when I was six. Learned teh saxaphone and the oboe. In High School I was sexually molested by another student in the hallway after school one day. again, terrified, I never told a soul. Instead, I threw myself head first into being an super over achiever. I lettered in four varsity sports, being an all star in each one and competing at the state level in track and field. I graduated second in my class. I was in an area symphony. I was president of SADD. I was in my church choir.

Enter college. I continued along the manic "lets do everything and anything" pace. I easily made it to Indoor Track and Field Nationals. My boyfriend was htere to see it happen. I was happy, I mean, I placed fourth and six in my events. that was good. "Ah, but I could have done better" I thought, "if I was small like the other girls" and then there was my boyfriend. at the same time of nationals, he started to get more interested in me. Should make any girl happy, but I got very very scared. Each time his hand touched my body i cringed with pain inside. I came up with an easy solution. Become small enough so he couldnt' see me anymore, and then he couldnt' touch me.

And that is exactly what I did. Became even smaller than I already was.

And becuase of that tore both of my right hip tendons off the bone therby ending my track career.

And because I became smaller, my iron count fell so low that I was sleeping 18 hours a day and had a cold constantly.

But I DIDN"T have an eating disorder. Or so I would say to anyone who asked.

I became very very depressed. To the point where I attempted suicide twice. I was in and out of hospitals for two years, culminating in a three month IP stay and a three month partial program. It was there that I was faced with the brutal truth that I was anorexic.

A therapist confronted me one day, and matched up all of my symptoms with the symptoms of anorexia. he did this in front of the entire group. And then wanted to hear me say the words "I have an eating disorder" he wouldn't accept "I have a problem with eating." Eventually I got the words out, with tears streaming down my face.

I went IP on an eating disorder unit. Gained the weight. Got out, lost the weight in a defiant "ha ha I won" sort of gesture. Started purging again. Denied I had a problem. Until one day I was trying to type a friend a letter and I couldnt' do it becuase my hands were shaking too much.

So I went IP again. Gained teh weight. Stopped purging, which I have never started again. but i lost the weight almost immediately. Got addicted to laxatives instead of purging.

Then one day, in hte middle of a snow storm, I had this funny feeling in my chest. It was my heart. And it wasn't normal. In the end, the ambulance had to come to my house becuase I started to have aheart attack. I was lying in teh hospital bed and talking to my pastor and I said "but I am not thin enough for this to be happening." She laughed in my face.

See, the thing is, it WAS happening. And it scared me. Becuase although I wanted to be small enough to blend in with the scenery, I never wanted to die. and that almost happened.

So I decided I was going to get better. I tried to do it on my own, but I couldn't. I eventually found a partial hospitalization program that turned my life around. I gained weight. Again. but this time I am keeping it on. It is the longest I have maintained a healhty weight since I lost it all six long years ago.

i will never be small enough to blend in with the scenery. Men will always be able to see me. And in fact, I am more vulnerable the smaller I am. I am learning to protect myself in healthy ways. I am learning to express emotions in ways other than food. It is a hard, scary process. The hardest thing I have ever had to do.

but it is worth it. LIFE is worth it.

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Ellie

United States

help4eds@yahoo.com

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Page Updated Sun Aug 12, 2001 11:20pm EDT