Courtney's Story - The incredible recovery story of a young Christian woman, who was for many years, my best friend. - Health - http://maxpages.com/elliesownpage/Courtneys

I was never a heavy child. Underweight most of my younger years really. I remember being so thin to the point where you couldsee my ribs at some points. As a child though, I was pretty much as happy as could be when I was around my friends. In kindergarten and first grade, I spent most of my time over at my best friend's house. She lived just a street over and her parents were more fun than mine, so we were usually at her house, Whichwas fine, but just a few years later I learned some things that still leave me questioning parts of those years to this day. Questions that I do and don't want to know the answer to. The only reason I want them answered is to put my mind at ease from wondering about them, but they are questions that may never get answered.

Starting at the age of five I got into gymnastics. I was in it off and on until the age of 12 when I broke my foot, and my Mom wouldn't let me continue with the sport. I had never been happy with my body and when I was forced to quit gymnastics, I gained some weight and lost a lot of my muscle. So naturally I became even more unhappy with the body that I wasn't happy with in the first place.

My battle with weight mainly started around the age of 10 though. I was in fourth grade and my parents had noticed at dramatic decrease in my weight. My appetite increased and no matter how much I ate I kept losing. We later foundout my weight loss was because I had Juvenile Diabetes (a disease where yourpancreas doesn't make enough insulin and you suffer from high bloodsugars). I was diagnosed two days before Halloween and boy did it ever stink!It was an extremely traumatic time for me. For I didn't know what this disease was or what its outcome would be. At the time I thought I was going to die. Ididn’t think any of my friends would want to be friends with me any more. It’s like the story in the Bible where the lepers are mad e to yell “unclean”because of the disease their bodies carry, leprosy. I was afraid that since my body was now “unclean” that I was going to be discarded from my friend’s lives.I felt my life was ruined and that it was never going to be the same again.Which it hasn't been. Every since that day I have battled this disease. It'sbeen a major physical and emotion struggle for me and I am just now, almost five years later, learning to accept the disease I've hated all these years.

I don't remember when signs of an eating disorder actually appeared in my life. I often went on crash diets trying to lose weight quickly and was never happy with the results. I'd go through periods where I wouldn't allow myself more than 500 calories a day. If I went over I'd be mad at myself and try and exercise the extra off. I'd exercise myself to points of exhaustion. There were other times where I'd skip meal after meal after meal. Then there were points where I'd eat only one meal a day or where I lived strictly on orange juice and water.

In eighth grade was when it became really bad. I had been under major stress that all hit me at the same time. On top of all the stress I didn't exactly getalong with my family and they were wearing me out. At first I would skipbreakfast in the mornings and take an apple with me for lunch and thensometimes eat dinner. Then I decided that was too much when really I wasstarving myself. So I'd skip breakfast in the mornings take some orange juicefor lunch and occasionally eat dinner. Finally, my Mom was at home to cookdinner in the evenings so then I was forced to eat dinner at nights. At thispoint I skipped breakfast, drank orange juice at lunch only if my sugar waslow, and I'd eat very little dinner.

One night I went to my room after dinner and I purged for the first time. Thething is though I didn't realize I was doing it. Everything in the weeks andstuff prior I did because of stress. I didn't realize I was starving myself, Ididn't realize I was purging. In the beginning, when I first had symptoms of aneating disorder, yes it was because of weight. But in eighth grade when it wentfrom being an occasional thing to being my daily lifestyle I didn't realizewhat I was doing. It was all caused by the stress that was ruling my life atthat point in time.

The purging and starving myself continued on for a few months until I finally realized I had a problem. I don't know what it was but something finally scaredme enough to tell someone. I told one of my teachers, whom I was close to, andshe tried to help me, but my habits continued. At that point it was back tobeing a weight thing. I liked it that I was losing the weight. I liked beingthin, but no matter what it wasn't enough. So I'd gone from a weight thing, toa stress thing, to a stress/weight thing, to a weight thing. All of that injust a matter of time.

About a week after telling my teacher I was still continuing with my habits.I'd been invited to a birthday party, which was a sleepover at a local hotel. By this time my teacher had told the school counselor and we were alldebating on what to do from there. So I was at this slumber party and thatnight one of the other girls who I was good friends with started telling me allof this stuff. Things like how she thought about killing herself and so on. Iknew what this girl was feeling, I'd had those same thoughts. I'd had thestruggles. I knew her pain. I told her not to get in over her head. I helpedher in the only way I knew how by using myself as an example. No matter what,though, I couldn't stop. My body wanted it. My mind tricked me into continuingwhat I was doing.

One day I got home from school and checked my email. I had an email from theChildren's Pastor at my church, we'll call her (S). It said she was worriedabout me and to call her immediately. I was good friends, still am, with her sonaturally I did what she said. That was the day I finally accepted the fact I had a problem. When I was on the phone with her she asked me if everything was OK. I of course lied to her and said yes and we continued on talking.Occasionally as the conversation would progress she would ask again ifeverything was OK. Every time she asked my voice weakened and finally I brokedown and started crying. She asked what was wrong and I couldn't tell her. I was ashamed and scared she'd want nothing to do with me. So she got off thephone and called my Mom who wasn't home at the time and asked my Mom if she could come get me and talk to me.

Well, that same day was the day the school counselor called my parents and toldthem what was going on. That entire day I had been scared to go home afraid that I was going to be in trouble. I don't exactly see eye to eye with them. Sowhen (S) called my Mom I don't know what she said, but I was sitting in my roomcrying on the floor from the phone conversation that I had just had. My Mom came into my room and tried to talk to me for the longest time but I refused. Finally, (S) showed up at my house. For the first thirty minutes to an hour that she was there I cried in her lap. I just cried. She talked to me while I just cried my heart out. She made me realize I had a problem, and thatI couldn't continue my life in that manner. She tried to encourage me to go tocounseling but I refused. So from that day on I didn't purge. My eating habitsincreased slowly. My Mom threatened to put me in counseling if I didn't gainweight. (S) continued to be a support to me. The depression started coming moreoften at this time and it was awful. I still fight the depression to this day. It's definitely not easy. I still fight eating. When I gain weight I get mad,but I know I don't want to be back where I was. What finally pulled me throught was that I gave it to God. I put all my trust in Him and just let Him lead me to the right path. (S) got me to where I was going to church three times a week instead of one and now I'm more at peace with myself. The road of recovery was hard, and still is, but it's worth it. What finally made me want to be better was that day that (S) sat there in my room she told me that when amother loses a child it's most likely the most devastating thing that couldever happen to a mother. She said no one could love me more than my mother or God and she told me that she wasn't even a mother yet, but that she loved mewith a mother's love and that if something happened to me then she doesn't knowwhat she would do. I decided then that I wanted to be better. Seeing that shecared so much about me, someone who is related to her in no way, and she lovedme with the passion and love that a Mom has for her own child. That right there told me that I had to get better, not only for myself but for her. I can tell you this though, had I not become closer to God at that very point in my life I probably wouldn't be here today. When I gave it all to Him, He pulled me through. I hope that this story can help some of you others who are fightingthis disease. God Bless you all and if anyone needs to talk you can email me at GodsLilAngel2k5@aol.com .

Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace, and your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.

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Ellie

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Page Updated Sun Aug 12, 2001 11:20pm EDT