Jokes - Personal - http://maxpages.com/elfart/Plain

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

- For Sale: Parachute. Never opened, once used, small stain.

- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

- Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

- Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

- I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

- If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

- Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

- Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

- If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

- I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

- If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

- 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

- When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

======================

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here
are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

*On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

* On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

* On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

* Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

* On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

* On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

* On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.

* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

* On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

* On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

* On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Credit:AmyG

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Page Updated Mon Dec 6, 1999 7:33pm EST