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Jokes
funnyehransjokesehransjokes2ehransjokes3|
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| The Bestest Jokes on Earth |
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| Continued |
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| SUPERMAN Superman wakes up one day and realizes that he has done everything he could done in metropolis and he was totally bored. He flies away in search of something to do. Pretty soon he comes across Batman swinging across a few skyscrapers. Superman yells down, "Hey Batman, got anything I can help you with?" Batman shouts back up, "No, Superman. I've got everything under control." Superman continues onward. Eventually he flies over the ocean and looks down at Aquaman. Superman yells, "Hey Aquaman, gimme something to do!" Aquaman looks up and yells back, "sorry Superman, there's nothing for you to do here." Superman by this point is totally exasperated. He starts to fly back to Metropolis when he all of a sudden sees Wonder Woman lying nude on the beach. "Yes!" thinks Superman. "If I zoom down and do her really quick like only I can do, she'll never know what hit her!" Superman swoops out of the sky, does his thing in about 5 seconds flat, and flies away before he gets caught. Wonder Woman opens her eyes with a shock and says in surprise, "what was that all about?" Then the Invisible Man rolls off of her and says, "I don't know, but my ass is killing me." Cojones An American tourist went into a restaurant in Mexico for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Sir, these are the cojones," the waiter replied. "The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist. "They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter. The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, sir," said the waiter, "you see the bull, he does not always lose.." The Horse and the Chicken A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my dick and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. THE MORAL: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks. A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and his elbow pokes her in the breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436." LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK 1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP 2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER 3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY 4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT 5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER 6. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG 7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT 8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY 9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE 10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER 11. SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK 12. IF YOU GO IN HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT 13. WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS 14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, ZIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE 15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER 16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER 17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL 18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION 19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL 20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER 21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE! 22. IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE IT OFF, HAVE IT ON A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?" The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore." "Yeah," says the bartender. "What did she do?" "She hit me with her bag of quarters!" A group of young businessmen were chatting at the bar, and one decides to share his recent embarrassment with the others. He tells them that he was booking a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but he was so preoccupied with the beautiful breasts of the girl at the counter, that instead of saying "I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh", he said, "I'd like a picket to Titsburg!" An older guy nearby hears the story and says, "You know, I had a similar experience with my wife this morning. We were sitting at the breakfast table, and I meant to say, "Darling, could you please pass the butter", but what came out was, "You bitch, you're ruining my fucking life!" A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmers field. The farmer took the pilot back to the farmhouse, where thepilot noticed the farmer had a golden fiddle hanging above the fireplace. The two men were standing there talking when the farmers wife came down the steps. The pilot couldn't believehow beautiful she was. He asked the farmer, "How can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out and work the fields?" The farmer said,"I trust my wife, she's never been unfaithful." The pilot then says, "I'll make you a little bet. If I take your wife upstairs she'll be unfaithful. If not, you can have my plane. But, if she is, I get your fiddle." The farmer thought a little bit and said, "It's a deal." So, the pilot and the farmers wife go upstairs. About a half hour passes, and the farmer picks up the fiddle and starts playing it. He sings: Be true to me, Be true to me Be true for just one hour Be true to me, Be true to me And his airplane will be ours. Another fifteen minutes pass, and suddenly he sees his wife coming down the stairs. He asks her if she stayed true to him. She walked over, picked up the fiddle, started playing it, and sang: He kissed me on the lips and tits He kissed me in the middle. He kissed a spot that you forgot And you lost your fucking fiddle. Many universities, colleges, and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an e-mail address. (i.e. Mary L.Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml). They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may cause when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. (Probably not funny to the individual involved.) Some examples follow: Helen Thomas Eatons (Duke University):eatonsht@dku.edu Martha Elizabeth Cummins (Fresno University):cumminme@fu.edu George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.): blowmegd@dropdrawers.com Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania): dickinme@iup.edu Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University): kissinfk@lvu.edu Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating): beeranbj@myplace.com Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University): aspicker@pu.edu Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University): ibballin@bsu.edu Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton, Canada):btkisser@bendover.com Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us): ihadcock@tru.com At a Doctors convention in Switzerland, a conversation was taking place in a tavern after an enthusiastic mid-day lecture. A Jewish doctor said "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor said, "That's, nothing, in Germany, we could take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks. " A Russian doctor said, "in my country, medicine is so advanced that we could take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have both looking for work in two weeks." An American doctor, not to be out done, said "Ha! We can take and asshole out of Arkansas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day.!!!" Ma and Pa are sitting on the front porch swing, rocking. Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma." A minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa." Again, a minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma." Another minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa." Yet another minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma." A minute later, Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa." A couple of minutes go by, and Pa says to Ma, "I don't know about you Ma, but I just don't get too much out of this oral sex stuff!" A woman went to visit her doctor with plans of getting a face-lift. Well the doctor told her about this new procedure where they inserted a screw in the top of the head, so that every few years instead of having to pay for another facelift, all she had to do was turn the screw. Of course the woman chose the new procedure. After a few weeks the woman returned to the doctor's office for a check-up. When she complained about the bags that remained under her eyes, the doctor replied, "Those aren't bags those are your breasts, and if you keep screwing around your going to have a beard! Little Johnny wakes up in the middle of the night and goes into his parents bedroom, where he catches them going at it. He thinks his father is hurting the mother and starts to cry. His father has a talk with Johnny and explains that he is just planting a seed so they can make him a baby brother. Johnny goes happily back to bed. The next evening, the father comes home from work and sees Johnny sitting on the curb crying. He asks what is wrong, and Johnny says, "Remember last night you and mommy were making me a baby brother... well today the mailman came and ate him." We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "asscons"? Here goes: (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_._) a flat ass (_^_) a bubble ass (_*_) a sore ass (_!__) a lop-sided ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around (_O_) an ass that's been around even more (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_o^o_) a wise ass (_13_) an unlucky ass (_$_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb ass What the President said and what he really meant.... President Bill Clinton Aug. 17, 1998 CLINTON: Good evening. [Yo.] This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. [Today, I got my ass dragged over the coals.] I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer. [I was lying like crazy trying to cover my ass.] Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight. [I got busted and now I'm trying to minimize the damage.] As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. [I conned everybody during the January deposition. I played a semantics game and was able to slither away without actually telling the truth.] Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate. [I have given a new definition to the term "screwed by the Government".] In fact, it was wrong. [We exhausted the Kama Sutra.] It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. [I was horny.] But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action. [Hope you brought a shovel `cause here comes the bullshit...] I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression. [I lied like a bitch.] I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that. [Guess who's not `getting any' tonight?] I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. [I thought I'd get away with the whole damn thing.] I was also very concerned about protecting my family. [Not to mention my testicles; Hillary has her own version of `Soccer'.] The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too. [I didn't think there was a chance in hell that things would ever go this far.] In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago. [I was worried that Ken Starr would dig up MORE dirt on me.] The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation. [I'm still continuing my efforts to discredit the people who've caught me with my hand in the Nookie jar.] This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people. [Can't everybody just leave me alone?? Boo-hoo! Whaaaaaahhh!!] Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most -- my wife and our daughter -- and our God. [Git offa mah land `fore I shoot me a tresspasser!] I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. [If you think I bullshitted you before, you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet!!] Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours. [The longer this matter stays in the public eye, the bigger my chances are of being recognized as a two-bit punk who has a taste for tender, young meat.] Even presidents have private lives. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our national life. [-cough- -cough- -choke- I'm having trouble breathing with this Smoke Screen that's gone up...] Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do. [I got busted but maybe you won't see though my flimsy facade.] Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on. [Mom! Make the Bad Man stop!!] We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face. [You are getting sleepy. Soon you will forget. Yes, forget everything...] And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century. [Now that I've made a laughing stock out of the US, given the Arab Nations a legitimate reason to use the term `American Pigs', and blown my credibility all to pieces, why not just grab a beer and pretend like none of this ever happened? --C'mon, baby, relax.] Thank you for watching. [Sorry you had to see this.] And Good Night. [Ok! That's the signal! Al, shoot Hillary with the tranquilizer gun! Chelsa, tell Air Force One to lay in a course for Tehran! I wanna go somewere safe!] Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them. A man had been at his mountain cabin writing on his book for six months and hadn't seen anyone. One day a Mountain Man came and asked, "Would you like to come over for a party tomorrow?" The man said, "Sure, I haven't seen anyone for six months. It would be nice to have some company." "Well," said the Mountain Man, "there will probably be lots of drinking." "That's OK," said our hero, "I can drink with anyone." "There will probably be lots of fighting and wild goings on." "That's OK, too", said our man. "There will probably be lots of wild sex." "No problem," replied our man, "I've been around and seen most everything. What should I wear?" As the Mountain Man was leaving, he turned and said, "Don't make much difference; it'll only be the two of us." A girl and her two friends went to "Ladies Night" at a local club. The club had a male dancer. One of the girls was trying to impress -- she took out a $10 bill, called the dancer over to the table, licked the money and stuck it in his butt -- her girlfriend - not to be out done -- took out a fifty and called the dancer back over -- she licked the bill real hard and stuck it to his right cheek -- The attention was now focused on her -- What could she do to top that -- Being the banker she was -- she took out her wallet, grabbed her ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, took the $60 and left. It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "THIS IS A BIRTHDAY SUIT INSPECTION!!!!!!!! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!" So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly... The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells. "No, Sir!" came the reply. "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear. "Did THAT hurt?" "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick. "Did THAT hurt?" "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!" My Homepage/pickuplines- www.maxpages.com/ehran My First Page of Jokes- www.maxpages.com/ehransjokes |
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