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Jokes
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| The Bestest Jokes on Earth |
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| THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED REMOVING CLOTHES With partner's consent...12 Without partner's consent.187 UNHOOKING BRA: Using two calm hands....7 Using one trembling hand..36 Lifting partner......15 Dragging partner on floor.16 Using skateboard......3 ACHIEVING ERECTIONS: For normal healthy man..2.5 Losing erection......14 Searching for it.....115 PUTTING ON CONDOM: With erection.......1.5 Without erection.....300 INSERTING DIAPHRAGM: If the woman who does it is Experienced.........6 Inexperienced.......73 If a man does it.....680 Add (5) calories for retrieving it from across the room. AGGRAVATION: Partner keeps showing plants.5 Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay.....14 Partner taking phone calls..7 Partner making phone calls..40 ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY: Italian- Man on top, woman in kitchen..........26 Russian- Woman on bottom, Man getting permission...55 American- Both on top...60 GETTING CAUGHT By partner's spouse.....60 By your spouse.......100 Trying to explain......55 Trying to remain calm....100 Leaping out of bed......75 Getting dressed in one motion 500 SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE: Bouncing..........7 Sliding around.......9 Serious skidding......12 Whiplash..........27 Thanking partner quickly...2 ORGASM: Real............27 Faked...........160 ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE: Shoes flew off........35 Expression didn't change..1/2 Orchestra swelled.......6 Birds sang: Large birds.........7 Small birds.........3 Earth moved.........30 PULLING OUT: After orgasm........1/2 A few moments before orgasm.500 PENIS ENVY: For woman...........3 For men...........72 GUILT: Orgasm comes easily.....53 You're enjoying sex, despite the fact that other people are starving.....2 Sex on your lunch hour....3 Putting it on expense account.20 The Bear This guy decided to go hunting for bear in the woods. He took his little 22cal. rifle and headed out. As he came to the top of a hill he saw a bear on the other side. He aimed and fired, but missed. The bear came running after him and grabbed him by the throat "You tried to kill me. You have two choices, Blow me or I'll eat you." The guy couldn't believe it, the bear talked. What was he going to do? He didn't want to die so he got down on his knees and blew the bear. When he was done the bear said "good choice and walked away. The hunter was stunned. There was no way he could tell anyone what had happened. They wouldn't believe him and he was really embarrassed. He decided to kill the bear once and for all. He went to the sporting goods store and bought the biggest double-barreled shotgun they had. As he came over the hill he saw the same bear as before. He took aim and fired but missed. The bear came running up the hill and grabbed him by the throat. "You have two choices, blow me or I'll eat you." The hunter still didn't want to die so he blew the bear again. When he was done the bear said "good choice" and walked away. The hunter was so upset, he went back to the city and found a gangster on the corner and bought two automatic Uzis with extra large clips. He went to the same hill and saw the same bear. He thought " this time I've got you, you bastard." He fired both guns at the bear. The sound was deafening. Leaves and tree branches were flying all over like a scene from the movies. When he finally ran out of bullets there was a thick cloud of dust at the bottom of the hill. All of a sudden the bear came running up and grabbed him by the throat. The bear said to him "You don't come here for the hunting, do you?" Stuck Up a Tree This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua." FISHING This guy was having his best day ever fishing the Mississippi on the Minnesota side. He catches his limit and gets ready to go. On the way out this federal DNR officer stops him. To verify everything is legal, he takes one of the fish, shoves his pinky in its asshole, pulls it out and smells it. He says, "Boy- this fish comes from the Minnesota side of the River. You got a Minnesota license?" The fisherman generates one and is allowed to leave. The next week, he's on the Wisconsin side of the river and has incredible luck. The same federal officer shows up and gives his fish the same finger-in-the-fish pooper test. This time he asks for a Wisconsin license which the man gladly generates. As the lucky fisherman is leaving the Federal DNR officer asks, "boy- you're a pretty good fisherman. Where you from ???" The lucky fisherman drops his pants, bends over and says.. "Find out for yourself............." The Purpose of the Head There were 2 rich men who were constantly arguing over the purpose of the head on a man's prick. One man insisted that it was for the pleasure of the man, and the other insisted that it was for the pleasure of the woman. Finally, they decided that they would fund research teams to settle the issue. The first team, from France, came back after 6 months and $600,000. The results of the study proved conclusively that the head of the penis was for the pleasure of the woman. The first man would not believe this. So they funded another team from Italy. 3 months and $300,000 later, they came back with a study that said that the head of the penis was definitely for the pleasure of the man. To break the tie, the two rich men decided to hire a third team and chose some good ol' American boys. 5 minutes and $5 later, they came back and reported: "the head of the penis is for the pleasure of the man. - it keeps your hand from slipping off." How Baby's Are Made A Young mother was once again pregnant and trying to explain to her little girl how she had got that way. She explained how a baby was growing in her tummy, and how it took and egg and a sperm. Daddy made the sperm, and mommy made the egg. So the little girl asks, "So if it takes a sperm and an egg to make a baby, and the egg is already in your tummy, then how does the sperm get in there. Does mommy swallow it?" Her mother replies. "She does if she wants a new cocktail dress." The Nudist Colony A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6-foot blonde walks by him; the man gets a hard-on. Blonde: "Sir, did you call for me?" New Man: "No, I just got here." Blonde: "You must be new here, it's a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me." The blonde lies down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes toward him. Huge Man: "Sir, did you call for me?" New Man: "No, I just got here." Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, and it implies you called for me." The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back to the receptionist.. New Man: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500." Receptionist: "But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities.." New Man: (Rudely interrupting) "Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day." The Motor Cyclist Steve is shopping for a motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!" APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________ HEIGHT______ WEIGHT______ IQ__________GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES ___________ HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____ Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?____________________ If NO, please explain _________________________ Number of years they have been married ____________________ If less than your age, explain ________________________ Do you own a van? ________ A truck with oversized tires?___________ A waterbed? ________ A pickup with a mattress in the back? ________ A condom? _________ Pornography? _____ Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? ________ A tattoo? ___________ (IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES) In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?__________________ In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you? ________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? _________________________________________________________ Church you attend ________How often you attend__________________ When would be the best time to interview your: father? ________mother? ______priest? _______ Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: C: A woman's place is in the: D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is: NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ____________________ What is the current going rate of a hotel room? Condoms come in packages of (circle one) A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OF THE ABOVE I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BESTOF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICANINDIAN TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOTPOKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. _______________________________________ Signature (that means sign your name, moron) Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back). The Frog A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. A clerk came up and asked if there's something he could help her with. "I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all of yours are so expensive!" She says. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?" "$50.00?? For a Frog??" said the woman. The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It's gives blowjobs." So, the woman decides to buy the frog. She takes it home to her boyfriend, explains the strange gift frog, and they're both happy. The woman goes to bed. Around two in the morning, she wakes up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She gets up to go see what's going on and when she gets to the kitchen she sees her boyfriend and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" says the woman. The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your arse is out of here!!!" The Ebonic Lord's Prayer Big Daddy's Rap - The Lord's Prayer Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, - Our Father, who art in heaven You be chillin - Hallowed be thy name So be yo hood - Thy Kingdom come You be sayin' it, I be doin' it - Thy will be done In this here hood and yo's - On earth as it is in heaven Gimme some eats - Give us this day our daily bread And cut me some slack, Blood - And forgive us our trespasses Sos I be doin' it to dem dat diss me - As we forgive those who trespass against us don't be pushing me into no jive - And lead us not into temptation and keep dem Crips away - But deliver us from evil 'Cause you always be da Man - For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever. Aaa-men - Amen THE RABBIT The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, filling everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!" The Voodoo Dick There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo dick, my ass!" The Scottish Farmer A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Noop." Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo.." Then the old an points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo.. Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya fuck one goat . .!" My Pickup Lines/homepage- www.maxpages.com/ehran My first page of jokes- www.maxpages.com/ehran/ehransjokes My Jokes Continued- www.maxpages.com/ehran/ehransjokes3 |
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