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Jokes
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| The Bestest Jokes on Earth |
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| I was just wondering... If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Is the main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live? If a man stands in the middle of the forest with no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? Is there another word for synonym? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Why do they put Braille on the drive-through banking machines? How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? And finally... What was the best thing before sliced bread? What has 48 teeth and 89 legs? The front row of a Willie Nelson concert! Bread, The Root of All Evil! 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. 4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. 5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days. 6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts. 7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. 8. Newborn babies can choke on bread. 9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. 10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change y to i and add es." What's the difference between the Titanic and a slut? They know how many men went down on the Titanic! A Scotsman was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the mound, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run." This happened two more times, with a singleand a triple. The Scotsman was now excited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!" Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely ebarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scot's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls." The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man... walk with pride!" A frog is looking for a loan, so he goes into a bank. He sits down at a desk and the name plate says "Patty Whac". He talks to Patty about the loan and she asks him what he has for collateral. The frog replies, "well I have this vase." He pulls the vase out of a bag to show her. Patty says "well thats just a cheap knick-knack". Then the bank owner notices the vase and says to himself "gee that's from the 17th century, it's worth tons of money" So he walks over to patty and says "Thats no knick-knake Patty Whac give the frog a loan". OK, brains, be prepared to be teased! Two men were playing checkers. Each played five games and each man won the same number of games. No draws. How can this be? - - - - - - They weren't playing against each other! There are 3 apples on a table, then you take 2 away. What do you have? - - - - - - You have 2. Learning To Jump A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared, so the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door or I'm sticking this baby up your ass.' "So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, a little, at first. Partying a Bit Too Hard After a hard day at the office, three guys decide to go out for a cocktail to wind down. The bar becomes very crowded, a few drinks turns into many and soon everyone is tanked. All three lose track of each other and end up going home separately. The next day at the office, the three gather by the water cooler to discuss the past evenings events. The first guy says, "I got so drunk last night that I went home and blew chunks." The second guy pipes in, "That's nothing. I got so drunk that I got in my car and drove it right into a telephone pole. Totaled it. I didn't get hurt but now I have no car." The third guy says, "Well, I got so drunk that when I got home, I cussed my girlfriend out and knocked over a candle which lit the apartment on fire. She dumped me, all my belongings are destroyed and the home insurance won't cover the damage." The first guy motions the two to come closer and whispers, "I'm not sure you understand. Chunks is my dog." Pierre the French Fighter Pilot Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: 'Pierre, kiss me!' Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. 'What are you doing, Pierre?', says the startled Marie. 'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine! She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.' Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. 'Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie. 'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!' They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!' Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the river, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, 'PIERRE, WHAT IN THEHELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? 'Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, 'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!' The Saudi Trip Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?". And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!" Suk Mi Pagoda Menu Suk Mi Pagoda Menu Cuntonese Cuisine 6969 Fellatio Blvd. Escondildo, CA 281-6969 (that's Two ate one, sixty-nine,sixty-nine) A -La - Carte Cream Sum Yung Guy.. Women love it Cum Drop Soup .... Same as above, but no MSG Suc Sum Tit ..... Chef's favorite Luncheon Specials 1. Sum Yung Chick..Sweet and delicious 2. Sum Dum Fuc ...Same as #1 but without brains 3. Wong Hong Lo...Chinese sausage with 2 meatballs 4. Suc Mi Pork....Mostly white meat for light eaters 5. Suc Mi Dork....Mostly dark meat for big eaters Dinner Combinations 1.Goo in Hand.....For those dining alone 2. Suc Mi Wang.....Traditional Chinese sausage 3. Cum Too Soon.....Order early! These go fast! 4. Sum Dum Chick....Always a low cost favorite 5. Fuc Mei Slo.....Takes 2 hours to prepare 6. Lik Mi Clit.....A lip smacking Oriental treat 7. Goo Wee Chick....No extra charge for sloppy seconds 8. Yung Poon Tang....Fresh daily 9. Too Can Choo.....Includes sausage and fish for two 10. Wai Too Yung.....Not available on school nights 11. Fuc Sum Now.....Raw fish for those in a hurry 12. Tung Sum Chick....Chef's Special 13. Sum Gulp Twat....Low-cal diet special 14. Bang Ho Face.....Served sitting down 15. Bang Ho Butt.....Served with warm oil and jelly 16. Hoo Flung Poo....Lobster bibs & raincoats provided Cold Hands Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your *ears* ever get cold?" The Doctor A doctor had just finished a marathon shagging session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first..."This made the doctor feel a bit better until another voice in his head said, "but they probably weren't vets". Drug Trial Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?", the judge asked the second boy. "Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever." "One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said, "This small circle is your asshole before prison...." THE WAY YOU ARE THINKING Little James was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "James, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied James, "because the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little James says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, and one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little James. "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking." Golf Lessons One afternoon a man and his wife had just finished possibly the worst round of golf they'd ever played. In order to remedy their golf woes, they decided to schedule some lessons with the resident pro. Unfortunately the pair's schedules did not allow them to schedule their first lessons together, so the husband signed up for a Tuesday afternoon slot, and the wife, for one the next day. Tuesday arrived, and the husband walked out to the first tee with the golf pro. The pro, having never seen the husband's swing before, asked him to tee one up and fire away. The husband did as he was instructed and, as per his norm, sliced deep into the adjacent woods. The pro remarked, "Well, Tom, I can see a number of problems, but the most obvious is that you hold the club way too hard. Loosen up on the grip as you would if you were holding your wife's breasts." The husband, seeing the value in such advice, gripped the club much more gently and teed off and hit one long and straight down the fairway. He went on to shoot one of the better rounds of his life. The next day, the wife arrived for her lesson. The golf pro asked to see her swing, and she too sliced, not quite as deep, but into the same woods her husband had the previous day. The pro said, "Marilyn, you and your husband have the same problem. You both hold the club too firmly. I want you to loosen your grip-as if you were holding your husband's penis." Marilyn shrugged, and gripped the club as she typically held her husband's penis, and hit the ball a few feet off the tee. As it rolled and came to a stop a mere six feet from the tee, the golf pro half-chuckled and said, "Well, now, that's just fine, but let's try holding the club in your hands, and not in your mouth this time." The Anniversary A couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night. Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before. She stood seductively before him and asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?" He replied, "I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry." "And what are you thinking now, baby?" she asked huskily. He said, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it!" Biker Mamma An old woman goes into a biker's bar. She demands to talk to the leader. A tough looking bearded biker stands up. "I wanna join your gang!", she says. The biker thinks for a second. "Do you have any tatoos?" he asks. "Sure'' as she bares her arm. "Hmmm, do you have a leather jacket?" "Out on my hog." she says. "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?" "No, but I've been swung around the room by my tits!" Computer Doctor One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor". His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00." Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks. Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better. Little Red Riding Hood One day little red riding hood was walking through the forest on her way to Grandma's house. She came up on a man who said "Where are you going?" She replied "I'm going to my Grandma's house." The man said "No, no Little red riding hood you can't, The big bad wolf is there waiting there, to fuck the shit out of you." So she turned around & headed back home. Then she decided she was going to her Grandma's house anyway. She headed back through the forest & there was that same man, He again asked "Where you going Little red riding hood?" She replied "I'm going to Grandma's house, I ain't scared of the big bad wolf." The man said "No, you can't do that, I told you the big bad wolf is waiting there to fuck the shit out of you." She turned around & headed back home, She got there & decided to get her gun & go on. She started out again & here came the same man, he said "Where you going?" She replied "I'm going to my Grandma's & that wolf ain't gonna stop me this time." She continued on her way, when she got there she knocked on the door. The Big Bad Wolf answered & said "umm, umm, I been waiting on you all day long Little red riding hood, I'm gonna fuck the shit outta you!" Little red riding hood pulled out her gun, stuck it in his face & said "Oh no you're not, you're gonna eat me like the end of the book say's!" My pick-up lines- www.maxpages.com/ehran My Jokes Continued- www.maxpages.com/ehran/ehransjokes2 |
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