A blonde walks
A blonde walks into a winter clothing store. She picks out a scarf and brings it to the counter to pay for it.
When she gets home, she turns right back around and takes it back to the store. The store clerk asks why she's returning the scarf. "Because," she says, "it's too tight!"
A blonde and a brunette
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all went into the ObGyn office together. When they met after their check-ups, the redhead was smilling, and the brunette asked her why. "I'm going to have a baby boy," the redhead replied.
"How do you know?" asked the blonde.
"Because I was on top."
This got the brunette thinking, and she smiled as well. "I'm having a girl!" she exclaimed. Again the blonde asked how she knew. "I was on bottom," said the brunette.
The blonde started bawling. "Why are you crying?" the redhead asked.
Through her tears, the blonde replied, "I'm gonna have puppies!"
FOOTBALL WEDDING
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding, and one says, "It's ridiculous! Sure, he's rich, but he's also 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for that kind of wedding in my family."
"Oh, yeah? What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first guy asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other guy laughs and says, "She's just waiting for him to kick off!"
A CATHEAVEN
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best
BARNEY
A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"
The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"
Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."
DRINK BUDDIES
A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.
One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.
"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"
The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"
The bartender asks "so which one died?"
"No one."
"But you only ordered two drinks!"
"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."
BOYS THINK ?
If you're nice to him, he says you're in love with him, If you aren't, he says you're proud, If you dress nicely, he says you're trying to lure him, If you don't, he says you're from kampung.
If you argue with him, he says you're stubborn, If you keep quiet, he says that you have no brains, If you are smarter than him, he'll lose you, If he's smarter than you, he is great.
If you don't love him, he tries to make a pass at you, If you are in love with him, he will try to leave you, If you don't let him kiss you, he says you don't love him, If you let him kiss you, he says you're cheap.
If you tell him your problems, he says that you're troublesome, If you don't, he says you don't trust him, If you scold him, you're a nanny to him, If he scolds you, it's because he cares for you.
If you break your promise, you cannot be trusted, If he breaks his, he was forced to, If you smoke, you're a bad girl, If he smokes, he's a gentleman.
If you do well in your exam, he says it's luck, If he does, well, he's all brains, If you hurt him, you're cruel, If he hurts you, you're sensitive.
Boys!! how on earth.. can we girls trust you?? You're so unreasonable, unreliable, unrealistic and unbelievable!!!!
FEMALE
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
BARBIE
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. "
The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?
"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "
BILL GATES
A poor employee had been suffering dreadfully during the building of Gates' infamous new home. The poor architect had used Linux to undertake the interior and the wrath of Gates had fallen upon him.
This guy was so distressed at the thought of using Windows in a design environment that he just got up one day and took his own life.
He reappears at the gates of heaven where St.Peter is sitting with his clipboard. Nervously he walks up to St.Peter."Ah", St.Peter says, "you're the poor fellow who suffered at the hands of Gates. Don't worry, you're in heaven now. Everything is allright.
"Still quivering, the poor architect says: "At last, that's wonderfull. But you promise me that Bill Gates won't appear here."
St.Peter lets out a broad laugh: "Is the Pope Catholic ? You know what they say about rich men, needles and camels ... anyhow, we use Amigas ..."
Then, suddenly, beyond the pearly gates a familiar figure appears. The poor architect falls into an apoplectic fit: "Look, look, you told me he'd never find a place in heaven, but it's him."
St.Peter turns around to see the sight. "Ah, no my son, that's God, he just thinks he's Bill Gates ..."
HOW TO CLEAN YOUR MOUSE
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious, but the engineers rolled on the floor:
"Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
"Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."
MY WIFE DOESN'T USE IT
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. While I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and bedraggled,
So I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had only some worn-out sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.
Then, as the young girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"
HOW DOGS are alike
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing.
3 FRIENDS
Two guys and a girl were sitting in a bar drinking gin and tonics and talking about their respective professions.
The first guy says, "Im what you call a YUPPIE. You know Young Urban Professional."
The second guy says,"Well, I am what you call a DINK. You know Double Income No Kids."
Then the woman says, "Yeah Well, I'm a WIFE. You know Wash, Iron, F$&#, Etc."
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
TEST
A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. "Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his .. out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims:
"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
10 blondes
There were 10 blondes and one brunette hanging on a rope off of mount everest.
The rope could'nt hold all of them so one person would have to fall on to the cliff below and sacrifice her life so the rest could live.
The brunette gives a touching story of how she will sacrifice her life for the rest of them to live, and she will let go and die and after she does this touching speech all the blondes applauded her
|