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| Jerry: Tonight on the King's Court, I will be talking to Bret "The Hitman Hart. You know, the guy with those Jurassic Park parents. You know Stu Hart is so old, I told him to act his age, so he dropped dead and Helen Hart, well, she was just born old. When she was a teenager, her acne had liver spots. ________________________________________________________________________ This is when Bret Hart enters the ring in the King's court. Jerry: Before I talk to you about your upcomming match with Big Daddy Cool Diesel, I want to talk about something that took place a year ago at the upcomming event (King of the Ring '94). Do you remember when I crowned you? Ha!Ha!Ha! Do you remember, or do you have so much oil on your head that it slipped your mind? _______________________________________________________________________ Jerry: What is that terrible smell? Vince McMahon: It is probably Betsy. Jerry: Who? Vince McMahon: Betsy, T.L. Hopper's plunger. Jerry: Oh, I thought Betsy was that lady sitting behind us. ________________________________________________________________________ Vince McMahon: Jake "The Snake" Roberts is trying to tell people not to drink and drive... Jerry: (Interupts) C'mon McMahon. The only reason why Jake "The Snake" Roberts doesn't drink & drive anymore is because he is afraid he might hit a bump and spill his drink. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Issac Yankem told me the reason why Lex Luger is so stupid is because he has a cavity in his wisdom tooth. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Diesel is so stupid, he thinks Hamburger Helper comes with another person. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Hey McMahon, did you ever see the movie "WaterWorld"? Vince McMahon: Yes, why? Jerry: Do you remember the part where that monster burped up Kevin Kossner? Vince McMahon: Your point is? Jerry: That monster reminds me of like Bam Bam Bigelow, HA! HA! HA! Vince McMahon: How dare you say that monster was Bam Bam Bigelow. Jerry: It looks like Bam Bam burped up Kevin Kossner all over his tights! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! ________________________________________________________________________ Jim Ross: Ahmed Johnson is home watching the semi-finals of the Intercontinental Title tournament. Jerry: Ahmed Johnson is probably home eating a big ole bowl of kidney beans. ________________________________________________________________________ Undertaker was stumbling in the ring. Jerry: That looks like Jake "The Snake" on a Saturday night. ________________________________________________________________________ Mankind is sitting by the turnbuckle yanking out his hair. Jerry: Look McMahon, there is some extra hair for your toupee. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Mankind may pull his hair out, but if he is not carefull with you McMahon, he may pull yours off. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Hey Sunny, nice belts! _______________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Those two make a real lovely pair. Vince McMahon: What are you talking about? Jerry: I'm talking about the Slammy trophies. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: I heard a rumor that Ahmed Johnson needed a kidney transplant, and Jake "The Snake" was the donor, Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: As Jake "The Snake" would say, Sid's three beers short of a six-pack. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Hey McMahon, why don't Shawn Michaels & Ahmed Johnson ask if they can borrow Jake "The Snake's" tag team partner. Vince McMahon: Who's that? Jerry: Jack Daniels! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Barry Horowitz beating Goldust is like O.J. Simpson hosting a banquet for spouse abuse. _______________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Hey McMahon, your hair is looking better every day. It even had imitation dandruff! ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Hey McMahon, I just saw a movie this past week about Stu & Helen's kids. Vince McMahon: What's that? Jerry: Twelve Monkeys!!! ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Yokozuna is nothing but an ingrate. If it wasn't for Jim Cornette, Yokozuna would still be on a beach somewhere selling shade. ________________________________________________________________________ Vince McMahon: Stu Hart recently turned 80... Jerry: hehehe... Vince McMahon: Go ahead, make a smart comment like you always do. Go ahead! Jerry: Have you ever heard that when someone gets older, that they try to act younger? Vince McMahon: Yes, so what? Jerry:Well Stu Hart must really believe that because now he is starting to wear diapers. ________________________________________________________________________ Vince McMahon: Look at the Hucksters pythons. Jerry: Pythons!? Those look more like earthworms. ________________________________________________________________________ Vince McMahon: Stu Hart had a huge celebration for his 80th birthday. Jerry: I heard that everyone wanted to get the right amount of candles for the cake, but the fire marshall wouldn't let them. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: I have a note right here from President Jack Tunney to Dink. I can tell it's from Jack Tunney because it's written in crayon. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry:I don 't want to get Dink mad, he might punch me in the ankle, Ha! Ha! Ha! _______________________________________________________________________ Jerry: When Queesy gets done with Dink, he's going to go back to what he can do best and that's being a desk clerk at a roach motel. ________________________________________________________________________ Vince McMahon: What are you doing? Jerry: I just introduced "Sleezy". Macho Man: You're sleezy. Jerry: Yeah, nice outfit Savage. Did the bag lady give that to you? ________________________________________________________________________ WWF was at South Africa. Jerry: Where you their Ross? Jim Ross: Yes I was. A picture of this ugly thing. Jerry: Yeah, I see you brought your wife. ________________________________________________________________________ Jim Neidhart challenges the British Bulldog. Jerry: So British Bulldog, do you accept his challenge, or is your breath worse than your bite. ________________________________________________________________________ Macho Man: What is he doing? Jerry: I'll tell you what I'm doing Savage. I am going to talk to a dating couple, something you know nothing about Savage. All your dates are the same, inflatable. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Vince McMahon: Calm down Randy! Jerry: In fact, the computer dating service called and told me they found the perfect date for you, but the zoo wouldn't let her out. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry tells the girl that her boyfriend wants to marry her. Jerry: You don't want to marry him. Look at his ex-girlfriend, she's been around more times than a carasel. ________________________________________________________________________ The girl said yes. Jerry: Now that you're going to marry him, just remember a few things. Love your husband, respect your husband, but try to get everything in your name. Vince McMahon: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Macho Man: I agree with him. Jerry: I would like be the first to give you a congradulatory kiss... Wow, last time I saw a nose like that there was an elephant attached to it. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry got a kid to dress like Roddy Piper to make fun of him for their up coming match at KOTR. Jerry: Nice haircut. Where did you get that from, a pet shop? ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: When I saw Vader crash on Jake "The Snake" Roberts's ribs, that was 100% proof that he was finished. But then again, knowing Jake "The Snake" Roberts he won't drink anything unless it is 100 proof. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: P.U.! You can smell the alcohol on him. _______________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Hey McMahon, why don't you get Jake "The Snake" Roberts down here? Ha! Ha! Vince McMahon: Oh, you think you are real funny. Jerry: I want to talk to him. I want to ask him how the food was at the Betty Forbes clinic. ________________________________________________________________________ Vince McMahon: Right now on the phone, Jake "The Snake" Roberts... Jerry: WHAT?! Vince McMahon: Jake, how are you? Jake Roberts: I'm doing okay. Vince McMahon: Jake was out yesterday due to an internal muscle... Jerry: No McMahon, I told everyone the reason why Jake was out of In Your House. He has barthirtis he aches in a different bar every night, HA! HA! So Jake, where are you calling from? The local bar, or the Betty Forbes Clinic? Vince McMahon: How dare you! Steve Austin: I didn't know you could get a torn muscle coughing up all that hotch. Jerry: HA! HA! Hey Jake, I thought you would be here, so look, I got a surprise for you. Look Jake, it's your tag team partner Jim Beam HA! HA! HA! HA! Jake Roberts: One of these days, someone is going to get you and I hope that it will be me. Vince McMahon: Jake, when do you think you will be back? Jake Roberts: Hopefully soon. Steve Austin: As far as I'm concerned son, You need to stay out for as long as you can... Vince McMahon: I'm sorry Jake, I will not subject you to anymore of this. Jerry: So long Jake, why don't you say hello to your friend Otis Cambell, Ha! Ha! Steve Austin: McMahon if you ever cut me off like that again, I'll back-hand slap you and knock those stupid glasses off your face. _______________________________________________________________________ Jerry: The only reason why Aldo Montoya beat me was because he has been hanging around Jake "The Snake" Roberts and has been carrying around those intoxicating fumes from Jake. ________________________________________________________________________ Vince McMahon: I'm attempting to get Jake "The Snake" Roberts on the phone right now. Jerry: What are you going to do McMahon? Tell him that you're a bar tender? ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry just finished a match up with Aldo Montoya and is about to dumpa bottle of booze down his throat. Jerry: Hey Jake, don't get jealous ________________________________________________________________________ Jake Roberts: I've got alot of fire and rage buring inside of me... Jerry: The only thing you have in you is 100 proof. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Tonight on RAW, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin battles Jake "The Drunk" Roberts. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Look at Jake, he's missing his shirt. He probably sold it for a shot. _______________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Jake is so drunk, whenever he wrestles he sees double vision. But he still wonders why everyone has an exact twin. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: The only reason why Jake wants to come here is because he probably saw the bottle. Kevin Kelly: I don't think you have anything Jake is interested in. Jerry: What?! Jake "The Snake's" two best friends are Jim Beam & Jack Daniels. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Hey Jake, you don't look so tough now! Ha! Ha! Ha! Kevin Kelly: Yeah King, it sure takes alot of courage to taunt a man while he is laying on his back. Jerry: That is the way he always is, that drunking bum. ________________________________________________________________________ Kevin Kelly: King, don't you go interfere in the match with that bottle of booze. Jerry: C'mon. Jake looks thirsty. His tonge is hanging out like a redneck's tie. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: I think they made a mistake when they called him the "Wildman". I think they should call him the "Mildman". ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: My goodness, look at Henry Godwins teeth, that looks like an orthodontist dream ! Vince McMahon: What are you talking about? Jerry: Henry Godwin has got so many missing teeth, it looks like his tongue is in jail. ________________________________________________________________________ Vince McMahon: Issac Yankem appears to be scared of the Ultimate Warrior. Jerry: C'mon McMahon. Issac Yankem is so tough, he can floss his teeth with barb wire. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: I was offered a job to write and draw a cartoon about the Hart family. I had a hard time trying to draw Helen Hart because I don't think anyone has invented a pen with enough ink to draw all the wrinkles on her face. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Out of all the King's Courts that I have had, you people are by far the ugliest crowd I have ever seen. Look at you. Is that your face, or did your neck throw up? _______________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Look at these two, look at her face! You see, it's girls like you that turn men into... well, you know, people like Goldust. _______________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Now that Razor Ramon's leg is hurt, he probably has to ride on a wheelchair. If his wheelchair ever stops moving because of rust, he can just use the grease from his hair to make it roll again. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: If Vader drops the Vader Bomb on Razor Ramon, a huge grease spot will be left on the ring. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Hey McMahon, at the Bikini Beach Blast, if you decide to take a swim in the pool, your toupe might raise to the top and scare everyone away. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: That was the scariest thing I have ever seen, having to sit next to McMahon in the dark. You should have seen his toupe, it got up and started to crawl like a bug. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Last time anyone saw legs like that was when the Bronosarus was extinct. ________________________________________________________________________ Vince McMahon: One of these days, you're going to get DDT'd. Jerry: You know, DDT is about the only thing Jake won't drink. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Instead of OJ's kids, what about Jake "The Snake's" kids? We don't have to worry about them though. At least they will be sober. They won't drink anything stronger than pop. But then again, Pop will drink anything. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: What do Jake "The Snake" Roberts and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up! ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Savio Vega is taking more shots than Jake "The Snake" does during happy hour. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: McMahon, do you think Men on a Mission will beat the Quebeccers for the WWF tag team titles? Vince McMahon: I have a feeling. Jerry: Yeah, it's probably gas. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Jose Lothario is so old, Anna Nicole Smith is starting to propose to him. ________________________________________________________________________ Jerry: I asked Sunny if she would ever consider dating you . She said she would rather give birth to a porcupine on fire. ________________________________________________________________________ This was during the Karate Fighter tournament. Jerry: Sunny's got a real nice pair of wrists. ________________________________________________________________________ New Electrnic Karate Fighters that talk! Jerry: Sycho Sid already hears voices, wait until he plays this. ________________________________________________________________________ Vince McMahon: Mabel is a real nice guy to the fans. Jerry: Yeah, but I heard that he is not too nice if you disturb him during feeding time. _______________________________________________________________________ Jerry: Mabel is so huge, when he was a baby, he probably got baptised at Sea World. _______________________________________________________________________ (At the 1997 Slammy Awards) Jerry: It's going to be a hair-raising experience. In your case McMahon, a toupee-raising experience. _______________________________________________________________________ (Undertaker walking off stage at Slammy Awards 97 and the camera gets a shot of his tattoos) Jerry: OOOh, look at that face. That's Helen Hart's face there. Vince: That was Capt. Louis Albano Jerry: No, on Undertaker's arm. See it right there on his shoulder? I'd know Helen anywhere! _______________________________________________________________________ McMahon, if that (Ross') hat of his gets any bigger, he's gonna have to roll up both sides of it just to get him and his old lady in the pick-up truck. _______________________________________________________________________ When she (Chyna) comes in the room, mice jump on chairs. _______________________________________________________________________ Bret "The Hitman" Hart styles his hair with a weedwhacker. _______________________________________________________________________ The stork that brought his (Mankind) kid got arrested for carrying dope. _______________________________________________________________________ (Owen Hart pushed the waiter at 97 Slammys and the waiter spilled food on Vader) Look, Vader's got his dinner jacket on.....with dinner still on it! _______________________________________________________________________ I got in trouble because I stopped and told Helen Hart that her nylons are wrinkled......She wasn't wearing any. _______________________________________________________________________ (Phinneas was having trouble reading the winner of Best Buns at 1997 Slammys) He cant read! He cant read, McMahon! _______________________________________________________________________ Is it true that the toughest 4 years of your life was the 3rd grade? Is that true? _______________________________________________________________________ Ahmed Johnson's so dumb that he thinks Thomas Jefferson is that black guy that's married to Weezy. _______________________________________________________________________ Bob "Spark Plugg" Holly came in last in his last race because he kept pulling into the pit asking for directions. _______________________________________________________________________ Helen Hart got her tongue stuck in a toaster trying to make french toast. _______________________________________________________________________ Look at Paul Bearer. Looks like somebody dropped an ugly bomb on him. ________________________________________________________________ |
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