10 Ways to tell if a Redneck has been working on a Computer |
Personal Hygiene for Rednecks |
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10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter". |
Artery- The study of paintings.
Bacteria- Back door to cafeteria.
Barium- What doctors do when patients die.
Benign- What you be after you be eight.
Catscan- Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize- Made eye contact with her.
Cesarean- Section A neighborhood in Rome.
Colic- A sheep dog.
Coma- A punctuation mark.
D&C- Where Washington is.
Dilate- To live long.
Enema- Not a friend.
Fester- Quicker than someone else.
Fibula- A small lie.
Genital- Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series- World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail- What you hang your coat on.
Impotent- Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain- Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff- A Doctor's cane.
Morbid- A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates- knew it.
Outpatient- A person who has fainted.
Ovaries- You get to try again. (from wj1001250)
Pap Smear- A fatherhood test.
Pelvis- Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative- A letter carrier.
Recovery Room- Place to do upholstery.
Rectum- Pretty near killed him.
Secretion- Hiding something.
Seizure- Roman emperor.
Tablet- A small table.
Terminal- Illness Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor- More than one.
Urine- Opposite of you're out.
Varicose- Near by/close by. |
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?" |
1.Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
2.If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
3.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
4.Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
5.Going without underwear is NOT an option.
6.Dab a little perfume here and there.
5.Once every month take the kids out to the back yard so pa can hose them down. (from
6.Both of your socks should always be the same color, or they should at least both be fairly dark. (from OrlandotheAxe98)
7.Remeber, the cleanest kid goes in the tub first. |
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
Your dog goes "oink!"
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You know how to milk a goat.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants. |
After years of his wife's pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.
He said, "Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please...I'd appreciate it if you didn't use the Lord's name in vain!"
The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!"
The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church"!
The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!"
And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?!" |
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