 30 Methods of Influence
 to hear Change The World
for a Charisma Quiz
for SixDegrees
We all want to have positive influence with certain people in our personal and professional lives. But how do we powerfully and ethically influence the lives of other people? There are 3 basic categories of influence: 1) to model by example (others see); 2) to build caring relationships (others feel); and 3) to mentor by instruction (others hear).
EXAMPLE: WHO YOU ARE AND HOW YOU ACT
 1. Refrain from saying the unkind or negative thing, particularly when you are provoked or fatigued. In these circumstances, to not say the unkind or critical thing is a supreme form of self-mastery.
2. Exercise patience with others. In times of stress, our impatience surfaces. We may say things we don't really mean or intend to say-all out of proportion to reality.
3. Distinguish between the person and the behaviour or performance. While we may disapprove of bad behaviour and poor performance, we first need to communicate and help build a sense of intrinsic worth and self-esteem totally apart from comparisons and judgements.
4. Perform anonymous service. Whenever we do good for others anonymously, our sense of intrinsic worth and self-respect increases.
5. Choose the proactive response. Why do so few of us "do" as well as we "know?" Unless we exercise our power to choose wisely, our actions will be determined by conditions.
6. Keep the promises you make to others. Our ability to make and keep promises is one measure of faith in ourselves and of our integrity.
7. Focus on the circle of influence. Indirect control problems require us to change our methods of influence. As William James said: "We can change our circumstances by a mere change of our attitude."
8. Live the law of love. People are extremely tender inside, particularly those who act as if they are tough and self-sufficient. And if we'll listen to them with the third ear, the heart, they'll tell us so.
RELATIONSHIP: DO YOU UNDERSTAND AND CARE?
9. Assume the best of others. By acting on the assumption others want and mean to do their best, as they see it, you can exert a powerful influence and bring out the best in them.
10. Seek first to understand. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. When we're communicating with another, we need to give full attention, to be completely present.
11. Reward open, honest expressions or questions. The greatest single barrier to rich, honest communication is the tendency to criticize and judge.
12. Give an understanding response. Using the understanding response (reflecting back feeling), 3 good things happen: 1) you gain increased understanding and clarity of feelings and problems; 2) you gain new courage and growth in responsible independence; and 3) you build real confidence in the relationship.
13. If offended, take the initiative. When taking the initiative, do it in good spirit, not in a spirit of vindication or anger. Also, describe your feelings-when and how the offense took place-rather than judging or labeling the other person. This preserves the dignity and self-respect of the other person, who can then respond and learn without feeling threatened.
14. Admit your mistakes, apologize and ask for forgiveness. When we are party to seriously strained relations, we may need to admit we are at least partly to blame. Often the only way out is to admit our mistakes, apologize and ask forgiveness, making no excuses, explanations or defenses.
15. Let arguments fly out open windows.Give no answer to contentious arguments or irresponsible accusations. Let such things "fly out open windows" until they spend themselves. When you go quietly about your business, the other has to struggle with the natural consequences of irresponsible expression.
16. Go one on one. We often justify neglecting the one to take care of the many because we receive many expressions of esteem and gratitude.
17. Renew your commitment to things you have in common. Continually renew your basic commitment to the things that unite you with your friends, family and fellow workers. Differences are not ignored; they are subordinated. The issue or one's point of view is never as important as the relationship.
18. Be influenced by them first. We have influence with others to the degree they feel they have influence with us. As the saying goes, "I don't care how much you know until I know how much you care."
19. Accept the person and the situation. Acceptance is not condoning a weakness or agreeing with an opinion. Rather, it is affirming the intrinsic worth of another by acknowledging that he does feel or think a particular way.
INSTRUCTION: WHAT YOU TELL ME
20. Prepare your mind and heart before you prepare your speech. What we say may be less important than how we say it. Set your mind and heart. Choose pleasantness and cheerfulness. Choosing to be your best self will arrest fatigue and renew your best resolves.
21. Avoid fight or flight. Choose to talk through differences.
22. Recognize and take time to teach. It's time to teach when 1) people are not threatened; 2) you're not angry or frustrated, when you have feelings of affection, respect, and inward security; and 3) when the other person needs help and support.
23. Agree on the limits, rules, expectations and consequences. Life can be thrown out of kilter with uncertain expectations, shifting limits, or arbitrary rules. Many people grow upon learning to depend only on their own ability to manipulate people and life. When life becomes a game to be manipulated, the only sin is getting caught.
24. Don't give up, and don't give in. When we give in to irresponsible behaviour by excusing it or sympathizing with it, we condone and foster spoiled, law-unto-self behaviour. And if we give up-by ignoring people or tearing into them-we undermine their motivation to try.
25. Be there at the crossroads. None of us want the people we care about to make decisions that have important long-range consequences on the basis of short-range emotional perspectives and moods, personal insecurity and self-doubt. How can we influence them? First, think before you react. Don't be controlled by your own short-range emotional moods and do something that injures whatever relationship and influence you now have. Second, understand that people tend to act in terms of how they feel instead of what they know. When we sense our reason and logic aren't communicating with their sentiment and emotion, we should try to understand their language without rejecting them.
26. Speak the languages of logic and emotion. When we realize we don't have a common language, we may need to communicate in one of four other ways: 1) Give time, for when we give time, we transfer its worth to another; 2) Be patient, as patience also communicates worth; 3) Seek to understand as it eliminates the need to fight and to defend; and 4) Openly express our feelings and be congruent with our nonverbal expressions.
27. Delegate effectively. There are 3 phases: 1) The initial agreement; 2) Sustaining the delegatees and 3)The accountability process.
28. Involve people in meaningful projects. Life is sustained by tension between where we are now and where we want to be-a goal worth struggling for.
29. Train them in the law of the harvest. Align the systems, especially compensation, to reflect and reinforce the idea that we reap what we sow.
30. Let natural consequences teach responsible behaviour. One of the kindest things we can do is to let the natural or logical consequences of people's actions teach them responsible behaviour.
© Stephen Covey |
"Be the change you want to see in the world." Gandhi 
"A person's true wealth is the good he or she does in the world." Mohammed (PBUH)
"All things are possible to those who believe." Jesus
"Life is a bridge; enjoy while crossing, but don't build a castle upon it." Upanishads
