Hi there! This is the darlings, Edwina and Katherine, and we're here to solve all of your little problems. If you have a problem, email it to us as edwina_katherine@yahoo.co.uk . Okay, well here goes ...
Dear Darlings,
Recently I have noticed that the people I hang around with have been talking about me behind my back. This has really upset me. Everytime they catch me looking at them longingly they give me sharp evils. That always hurts. However, they still expect me to give them money to buy chocolates (they're fat, i'm poor) I want to talk to them, but I don't want to come across as hurtful in any way. Please help, darlings! You rule by the way!
Love Harriet Fleclennan, Wichfield
Dear Harriet,
Yes, we can see the kerfuffle that you've landed in here! Now, we have been in this situation before many a time, and this has always worked. You see, a girl named ? forgotten, used to talk about us 2 behind our backs, mainly through jealousy because of our wonderfulness. We didn't really care 'cos we had gotten married the night before and it was a pretty long marriage, so we were tired. (5 Whole hours I was married to that fool, would you believe ?! - Edwina) But we thought it would be best to sort out the whole situation. So we got this girl to meet us in our home, and seeing as she was gagging for our friendship, she came like a fly to a spider's web. I guess you could say, we were the spiders and she was the fly, and we both argued over who got to eat her (no, we're not cannibals) We had to, erm, y'know. Do the deed. But anyway, it worked out pretty well in the end, because she didn't bother us again!
Hope this helps,
Love Edwina and Katherine Darling
P.s In case Harriet is a fool, we meant to murder them.
Dear Darlings,
I feel so alone. I have no friends, no job, no money, no family, no home (well, I live on top of a building so that's not really true, I do have a home - argh, It just fell down. Now I don't have a home) Everyone ignores me in life. I feel like I don't even exist. Everyone looks right through me in the streets, even when I tried to get attention by falling down and pretending to have a fit, everyone still blanked me. I have no idea what to do. I can't get a job, because whenever I go to job interviews, people pretend they can't see me. Maybe I'm a ghost.. My parents don't even want to know. I've never had a girlfriend - well, except Fatty McClean, when I was 5. My brother Bill stole her from me, though. I never forgave him. She was the love of my life. I'm never going to speak to him again. She used to give me food, the nits from her hair. Yum! To this day I've never afforded another piece of food. She didn't really live up to her name - she wasn't very clean. But she was fat. Anyway, I'm now 45, single, overweight, suicidal, poor, no family, no job, no friends, nothing. Maybe I should just end it all now. Darlings, your my last hope.
Yours,
Bob Flaggy,
wow, i've never had to sign my name before.....oh well, please don't delete this, i do exist ... oh who am i kidding.....
Dear Bob Flaggy,
Wow, you do sound like a screwed - up fool. There's no way out for you. Maybe you should just end it.
OR - We have another idea.
The only way to change your life around is to follow the darling path for the rest of your life. Spread the word! Talking about darlings will get people's attention. Go on, Bob. It's the only way.
Love Edwina and Katherine Darling
Dear Darlings,
I was driving on the ship in Norfolk, when suddenly, a dog with a castanet shook it's booty and yelled "You spoil me, I like that" so I ran and yelled "Quick! To the liquid paper correction fluid for permanent professional corrections" So Karina Smith shouted back "I'm coming wait for me" So I carried on before she got there because time was running out. But I was stopped again by the cross of iron where I saw ther 100% fragrance free Clinique Wow it was like magic and then I felt pain I had been shot in the toe by a niqotine cq lozenger oh well i thought now I'll have to go running because I have to train for the Norton Anthology of theory and criticism. So then I thought and ran and yelled and danced and I didn't know. I've forgoteen.
Hi again, I'm afraid!
Manic
Dear Manic,
Obviously, you're walking on the right path in life, you little druggie.
Love Edwina and Katherine Darling
Dear Darlings,
Hey, darlings. This is Tyke Holland from New Jersey! You rock yeah! Love your site! I'm a songwriter and I wrote this song for a girl called Becca, then taped it and gave the tape to her. Through DarlingMagic:
Here's the song:
The glittering stars in the night are like your eyes baby,
Oh, they're so bright I have to squint,
But I can't help but stare, 'cos your beauty is so inspiring,
I can't help but want to love yoooooooou,
Oooooooh I love you i love you i love you i love you forevermore forevermore,
'cos you have no flaws, not the ones that you have in your house, the ones that you have on your face,
I've never seen you before but I know just by reading your blogs,
so everyone else piss off you fogs!!
She turned me down. I was so depressed, I thought I'd write her another song. More slow this time, thinking she'd think I was romantic. I am a romantic, y'know, I have some Italian blood. Where do you think the name Holland came from ?!
This song, is for a girl, named Rebecca Might *name changed for protection,
I love her so, she makes me see the light,
I love her so, and I want her in my life,
And I want her to know, I want her to be my ................ Girl,
Na, na na na na na na na na na na na na, oh yeah,
She doesn't know me so it don't matter anyway,
Please, becca, be with me, y'know that I wont bite,
I promise you, that we shall never fight.
She turned me down again.
I'll never write another song. (im lying)
Please help.
Love Tyke Holland
Dear Tyke,
The only suggestion we can give you is to watch her every move and pretend you're with her. Don't give up the songwriting! We're sure she'll come round. Maybe you should make an album and call it becca's songs. we'll even recommend it on our website.
Love Edwina and Katherine Darling
Dear Darlings,
I'm not going to state who I am, maybe I should just end it all now ? Okay, this may be the last time I ever say my name (not that I've never said it before.) This is Bob Flaggy. I just wanna say .... your advice has helped me ............helped me to be hated by all. I tried rapping, but it didn't work. In fact, I went to Eminem's office and started rapping for him but he didn't like it. This is how the rap went:
Hey you, it's me, It's Bob Flaggy,
You may not have heard of me before, But that's just because I've been waiting in the core (of the earth)
Yo, i've been waiting, yo yo yo,
Just because my house has been flood (ed)
Doesn't mean I'm going to back down, Blood.
So take that, kapow, and all that stuff,
I'm going to show you that Bob Flaggy's Tough!
He hated it. Surprise surprise. Everything I do is rubbish, I should have known. Actually ............. he didn't actually say anything. Damn. Maybe he wasn't listening. I'm invisible to all. (I did wonder how I got past them bodyguards).
Yours truthfully, faithfully, and suicidally,
Bob .
I don't even deserve a surname.
Dear Bob,
No comment.
Love Edwina and Katherine Darling
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