We are back, only this time we are confessing to you our sins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well it all started when Edwina popped out..... Oh, hang on a second you've heard this story before havn't you, silly us.........*cough* *Evils shared between the darlings*.
Yes well. ahhhhhhhhhhhhh the first sin, "YE SHALL NOT DISHONOUR THY FAMILY NAME", well we may be unforgiving ruthless murderers but we would never go as far as to dishonour a member of our own blood. So the next sin "YE SHALL NOT USE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN", holy crap...... whoops. The next sin "YE SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY", "YE SHALL NOT STEAL", "AND MOST IMPORTANTLY YE SHALL NOT DO UNTO SOMEONE THAT YOU WOULD NOT HAVE DONE UNTO YOU" ie. murder someone.
Anyway, I, Edwina, am now going to tell you of a personal experience, that I feel may need confessing.
Well, it all started when I popped out. That was the first sin..........................*cough*. Well, it all happened on my third birthday. Katherine and myself were out partying and celebrating at Dish Dash, a nightclub. We were partying on like ghetto gals, when I suddenly felt the need to rebel. No, it wasn't the drugs, or the vodka. I decided to not tell Katherine, although we shared everything from drug experiences to murder experiences, I just thought, well (?) I couldn't really be bothered. So, I left the nightclub, without her knowing, and I ran and ran. I ran as fast as my little legs could carry me. I was going to number 10 Downing Street. Yes, that's right:THE PRIME MINISTER'S HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!! At that point in the political world of crap, John Major-ink *name changed for protection* was being the prime minister. So I managed somehow to crawl under the crack under the door, without the guards noticing. That was tricky, but luckily they were blind, and deaf, and had no sense of smell. Lucky old me. Or young, as I was at that point. Anyhoo, I didn't really know what I was going to do, I just knew I had to do something. Anything, really. Something rebellious.
If you havn't guessed, I'm confessing to Katherine about this, because she doesn't know. Well now she does.
Right, so I'd managed to get into 10 Downing Street, and I was having a ball, wrecking the cups, and burning the rugs, and smoking - (katherine - don't state the obvious, darling) Shut up darling, I'm confessing ............. so I basically ran up the stairs, and danced and ran until I found John Major-ink's bedroom. I slammed open the door, and laughed at him, sleeping there like a fool. So I jumped on the bed to wake him up, because it was obvious he was in a deep sleep. He then woke up, and I remember the first thing he said to me, was "argh, please don't hurt me. Take anything you want, but let me live." Then, myself and John Major exchanged evils, before he made a running jump for the red button on the wall. I laughed, thinking nothing would happen, but the wall opened to reveal a huge water slide, which he jumped down head first. I wanted to know what was down there, so I followed him. I ended up in the middle of the River Thames. He was trying to swim, but obviously he was having a hard job, seeing as he couldn't swim. I was swimming like the expert I am at swimming. He was obviously in a lot of trouble, so I said, "Here take my hand John! I'll save you!!!!!!!!" He said "No you won't, you'll push me under" and I said "No John you have to trust me if we can get along" and he said "Alrightee, if you insist,"
At that moment, a shark came and grabbed my leg with its fins. I think it was in love with me, like all other things with a pulse, but .......... anyhoo, John Major-ink suddenly grew a mermaid tail and beat up the shark with it. The shark cired, then ran away heartbroken never to be seen again. John now knew how to swim, of course, so he saved me and pulled me to the beach. "Wow John, you saved me. Let's be friends forever." and he said, "Alrightee, if you insist." So from that day on, myself and John Major-ink have been the best of buddies. He even invited me to his funeral.
So Katherine, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but it's all true. He's the only man I ever loved. I'm sorry.
Well it all started when I was pooped out, it was probably an imaculate conseption or something. Because I am like the child of someone very important like God-ink *name changed for my protection*
Edwina Darling, look it's okay coz my first sin happened on that exact same night, your 3rd birthday, yes that's right it did. Anyhoooooo................I was thoroughly pissed and as stoned as a really huge stone. In fact now I think about it I saw you leave and thought that this party was getting a bit slow, so I felt rebellious!!! Feeling rebelious I left the party in search of some real fun. My search lead me to 10 Downing Street where the party was raging. It seemed that John had a few friends over and I wasn't invited. This made me furious!!!!!!!!!!!! I broke in through he upstairs window and joined the party diguised as an old, grey, ugly, woman in a pink flowery dressing gown and pulled the plug on their party. I shouted over the loud rock music, "JOHN I TOLD YOU NOT TO HAVE ANY PARTIES!!!!!!!!" " I'm sorry mother," he replied "GET THESE FREAKS OUT OF HERE!!!!" I screamed. Then I got the broom and rushed them all out. John was sitting in the big armchair in the corner of the living room crying his eyes out. So I said to him "Look John, I'm sorry I had to do that, but I had no choice, the neighbours will complain." "I understand mother," he said "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, look," I replied, "Here's twenty pounds go out and get yourself some drugs or something." " WHAT!!!!!!! YOU AREN'T MY MOTHER!" He cried. and at that point I injected him with sleeping stuff......(which might of said "lethal to anyone over 5" on the packet but it's so boring reading packets.) and stuffed him in a cupboard.
Just then I heard Edwina coming through the door! I didn't want to disappoint her so I pulled off his fake hair and face mask and quickly slipped them on and jumped into his bed and pretended to be asleep. While lying there I thought of a phrase a nerd like him might use and came up with, "Alrightee then" and "If you insist". Just then Edwina came in and started jumping on the bed. I thought she was going to kill me, (I was dressed as a man?) So I said..............Well you know what I said. And then I thought I must escape so that she didn't realise it was me, because she is a genious as well as me, you know. So noticing the red button I made a dash for it and escaped and you know what happened with the mermaid stuff and everything and the shark. Ever since then I have just spoken to her over the Internet as John Major-ink. So well it was starting to annoy me after twelve years, so I faked a funeral, bribed men to come and act as guests by marrying them, and I even brought a corpse of one of my late husbands with me. Edwina didn't show up in the end, but I knew I was finally free of John Major-ink.
So i'm sorry Edwina you never were friends with John.
THE END
P.S: Edwina: It's okay, Katherine. I never really liked him anyway. *sob*
"Ha ha girls ... t'wasn't me all along!!!"
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