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| Jokes Portal Nursing Home ---------------- One day a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you good?", they ask. It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart." ########################################################################################## The Last Wishes --------------- Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. "Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'." "What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked. "The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably." "The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending." "And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'." Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring. ########################################################################################## This Will Scare Them Off ------------------------ Customer answering phone call from one of those telemarketers with the "We have the lowest long distance phone rates" lines... (You know, the ones that call just as you are taking the first bite of your dinner!) Customer: I'm glad you called! I've been wanting to get signed up for that new "nickel-a-minute" rate! Telemarketer: Certainly, Sir! Just let me get some information from you. Customer: Right, well, can you go ahead and tell me when I'll get my first check? Telemarketer: What, Sir? Customer: Well, since you're going to give me a nickel a minute, I wondered when I'll start getting paid. Telemarketer: No, Sir, we don't PAY you. Customer: You mean this is a FRAUD? Telemarketer: No, Sir! It's just that we don't PAY you the nickel a minute. Let me let you talk to a supervisor. ....long conversation with supervisor... Telemarketer: Now do you understand, Sir? Customer: I guess so. Could we talk about the "friends-and-family" plan? I've always wanted a little brother. *Click!* ########################################################################################## Closing Down The Bar ---------------------- A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror." ########################################################################################## The Animals ------------ An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle. "What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile. The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago." The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory." "Yep," says the elephant. "I have turtle recall." ########################################################################################## Statements on Homeschooling --------------------------- >From the Austin family: A stranger said, "Don't you think your children are being deprived of the thrill of buying school supplies at Wal-Mart when everyone else does?" >From K. Becker: Our realtor learned we were home schooling. She commented about the lack of social development that would result, but tried to still be positive by adding, "Even though they couldn't be realtors, thank goodness that there are lot of jobs out there which don't require people skills." >From P. Minerd: My father asked, "Will I have to bail you out of jail for this?" >From MDT: My neighbor was picking my brain about getting the public school to challenge her first grader. She was concerned because my first grader was already reading while her son of the same age was just learning the sounds of letters. Nonetheless she challenged my home schooling saying my son would still miss out. "It's important for him socially too. He needs to be offered drugs so he can turn them down." ########################################################################################## What I Have I have had 2 By-pass surgeries, A hip replacement, new knees, Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes, Am half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia, Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, Have lost all my friends, But.....Thank Heaven I still have my DRIVER'S LICENSE!!!! Isn't it GREAT to be in Florida!? ########################################################################################## C H I L D R E N ------------------ You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing. There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it. - Chinese Proverb. Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young. I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me. Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in! Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. ########################################################################################## Steak ------ A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. The waiter says, "Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage." The Texan said, "What's a shortage?" The Russian said, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker said, "What's excuse me?" ########################################################################################## Pneumonia --------- A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft. "But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia." "I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia." ########################################################################################## Why did the skeleton burp? Because it didn't have the guts to fart ########################################################################################## SHORT 'N SWEET! For sale: Large crystal vase by a lady slightly cracked. Lost: School scarf by small boy with green and blue stripes. Lament of the PE teacher in the Spring: "I use Dial. I wish all my students did!" A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: "Do not activate with wet hands." ########################################################################################## The Cat? ---------- A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!" ########################################################################################## YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY, BUT... ---------------------------- The parachute company says you'll get a full refund. They say the house didn't float very far at all. We're all amazed that you go on living each day. Well, at least the operation was a partial success. The "National Enquirer" just loved those nude shots of you. The insects hardly touched your other eyebrow. The District Attorney says he only has a few more questions. At least the passenger side air bag inflated. Jenny Jones wants you for this "secret admirer show." The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars. At least we never thought you were guilty like that Jury did. The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T-Bird. The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers. Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it. The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally. Just imagine if you're ex-wife had had a good lawyer. Look on the bright side, those fertility drugs worked 6 times better than expected! ########################################################################################## Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of dying, starts singing. ########################################################################################## BROTHERLY LOVE --------------- There where once two brothers called William and Wayne. Will was 12 years old and his little brother was 3. The neighbours noticed they always went around together, if William went down to the ballpark, his little brother would toddle along behind him, even if the game was a bit rough; and when Wayne went to playgroup, his elder brother would come too, and sit there with all the toddlers. One neighbour thought this was really strange, so one day he leaned over the fence and asked the kid's mother why they were so insepArable even though they had nothing in common. Well, the mother replied, didn't you know: where there's a Will there's a Wayne. ########################################################################################## REVERSE ROLES Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work. But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. "Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away." "But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired." ########################################################################################## I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. ########################################################################################## HANDY GUIDE TO THE HORMONE HOSTAGE ---------------------------------- Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other. DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: Wow! Look at you! DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe. ########################################################################################## Many people will walk in and out of your life, But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. ########################################################################################## WORSE THAN A NUCLEAR ATTACK --------------------------- Officers were being lectured about a new computer. The instructor said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks. Then he hollered, "There will be no eating or drinking in my class, You'll have to get rid of that coffee". I inquired meekly "Sure, but why?" "Because a coffee spill could ruin the Keyboard". ########################################################################################## Oh No!!! -------- "Mummy, Mummy", called Little Johnny one day, "do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation ?" "Yes", said his mother. "What about it?" "Well the last generation just dropped it." exclaimed Little Johnny ########################################################################################## You know you've spent too much time on the computer when you spill milk and the first thing you think is, 'Edit, Undo.' ########################################################################################## I Do... -------- My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does." ########################################################################################## You can let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you. ########################################################################################## FROM THE LIBRARY BOOKSHELF! --------------------------- The Naughty Farm Boy by Enida Spankin. The Unknown Author by Ann Onymous. The Postscript by Adeline Extra. Jungle Fever by Amos Quito. The Long Hot Summer by I. Scream. Try, Try Again by Percy Vere. The Drawing Lesson by Art Master. ######################################################################################################## REASONS FOR DIVORCE -------------------- A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2 A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission." A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language." A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's house." A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate." ######################################################################################################## Golf Lessons ------------ A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor. "'Putt' is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing. ######################################################################################################## Two Keys -------- Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in the garage. Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and "Hearse." ######################################################################################################## Click For More (Jokes2) |
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