Wrestler Bios - The reason why CWA is a Wrestling Association(duh)! - Wrestling

The Wifebeater- Ht: 6' 3"
Wt: 210 lbs.
Born: Waco, Texas
Finishing Move(s): The Belt Buckle, The Frying Pan

Background: A former cattle raiser from Waco, he got married and was living his life happily until that day he drunk a little too much Jack Daniels at the local St. Patrick's Drink-All-You-Want Day at the local tavern. He was drunk on his ass, and walked back to his trailer. His wife wondered why he looked so funny. He told her to shut up, and when she said what do you want for dinner, he hit her with his belt buckle and then a frying pan. After this experience, he thought he was really strong and joined Shawn Michaels' TWA. But he was fired when hit Shawn with his "whooping stick" and injured Shawn's leg. He joined the CWA and is eagerly waiting for Intensity.

Fozzy- Ht: 6' 3"
Wt: 247 lbs.
Born: Highland, California
Finishing Move(s): The 6 String, The Fozzdrop

Background: A former Metallica roadie who was kicked out for smoking way
too much crack, but was especially kicked out for trying to jam with Metallica when he got drunk during
one of their tours. When they told him to get off the stage, he started punching and kicking Metallica's lead singer, he was thrown out of the concert and was fined 200,000 dollars, which he didn't have and was sent to 5 years in prison. When he was let out he started wrestling because he knew that he could smoke and drink as much as he wants, and he gets to fight people and gets paid for it.

Underweartaker- Ht: 6' 11"
Wt: 310 lbs.
Born: Unknown
Finishing Move(s): The Underwear Driver

Background: The least famous brother of Undertaker and Kane, tried out for the WWF and was
rejected by Vince McMahon. Vince told him that they already had enough Goth wanabes in his
federation. When his dad, Paul Bearer learned that his son was
an official loser, he shunned his son away and the Underweartaker found a new profession as an
underwear salesman at a local Target. After being fired when he told a customer, "Do you want me to try these on to show you?", he went crazy. The night after he was fired he broke into the Target and stole all their underwear therefore giving him his name. He went out of the public for a few years and then came back to join the CWA. He says he's hear to show his family he's not a loser.

Phat Boy- Ht: 5' 5"
Wt: 699lbs.
Born: Chicago, Illinois
Finishing Move(s): Phat DDT, Death Flip, Phat ass

Background: A former punk from the mean streets of Chicago. The only white person in his gang, Phat
Boy was actually the leanest person in the gang. He was alot different back then though, weighing only
165lbs., he was out one night with his friends when he was caught by the cops for stealing a VCR. He was
taken to court where he was only gonna get two months in Juvenille Hall, then he called the judge a
nutsucker and got sent to prison (even though he wasn't of legal age) for two years. In prison he was the
only man that was man enough to eat their food, and so he gained alot of weight, 534lbs. to be exact. Also while in prison he learned to fight. he was known to climb on top of the fences at the prison and flipped off the top onto the person he was fighting. When he was let out, he began bar-fighting for money until he heard about the CWA and joined them. Phat Boy is the only high-flying fat person in the world. If you don't watch out
he'll drop the Phat Ass on ya.

Atma- Ht: 6'3"
Wt: 244 lbs.
Hometown: Truth or Consequences
Finishing Move(s): Atma Cutter, Flying Elbow Drop, Freakdive

Background: Tim Bacon was born in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. While he was being raised there, he watched tons of wrestling, seeing as how he was either to watch that or old reruns of The Real World. Young Tim soon grew fond of wrestling, and decided to go down to Chino, CA, a rural suburban city, and start his own wrestling organization. But first, he needed to make himself famous.
Tim was forced to endure backbreaking labor to get enough money to start his own league. He did construction work, picked fruit, and did the most dreaded of all backbreaking labor: He became a cook at the Sizzler. After all, everyone knows how hard it is to get all those gym mats and newspapers and grind em up into food. But soon, Tim had enough money to start his own league. But there was another problem: who would join him? As he pondered this while scaring away local youths at the local Chino High, Tim met up with Brian Jacobsen, another youth who was spending his time at the 7-11 making fun of the Iranian clerk and shouting at the gay guys at the car wash across the street. Brian too wanted to make a wrestling league, and so they pondered. They decided to form the CWA. Brian would be Solar and go after the title. And to not be discriminant, they hired fat people, gay people, blacks, Jews...and Brians brother Davey, too.
Now the CWA is rising to the top, and Tim is the current Commishioner. He'll see YOU at !

Ray the Gay- Ht. 6' 7"
Wt. 350 lbs.
Hometown: San Francisco
Finishing Move(s): Queer Bomb, Foreplay Punches

Background: Back in 1955, a young boy named Ray Johnson was born at San Francisco Hospital. While
Ray was growing up, he acted alot different from the other boys. Instead of playing sports and fighiting, he
was busy combing his hair, and playing with his dolls. His favorite doll was his Ken. One day Ray was playing with his dolls, when one of the kids called him a homo. Hearing this, Ray ran up to the kid, and knocked the
kid out. After doing this, Ray ran home crying like a little girl. When Ray was about 15, he thought he was the
only kid in the world that was a faget. He was sitting on a bench one day, when he met the love of his life, a
man named Shawn Stasiak. People called him Meat. Meat and Ray became good friends, and were thinking about all the ways they could be able to touch men, and not get in trouble for it. So, Meat said professional
wrestling. Ray said it was a super idea. So they joined WCW, and were Ted Turner's favorite wrestlers. Ray
and Meat were known as the Ambiguously Gay Duo. After a show one night, Meat and Ray got into a big fight, when Ray found out Meat was not gay, but a bisexual. Ray was so mad, that he got out of the car and was
walking away. Meat walked up to him, but when Ray saw him he gave Meat the biggest Powerbomb in the
world, and walked away. He joined the CWA because he really liked wrestling and he knew he would get to
touch all the men he wanted.

Box Social Boy- Ht: 6'4"
Wt: 252 lbs.
Hometown: Greenwich, CT
Finishing Move(s): Greenwich DDT, The Partysault

Background: Box Social Boy, or BSB for short, grew up just 4 houses down from the McMahons and former WWF Champ Triple H. BSB was a huge fan of wrestling growing up, and wanted to be a wrestler later on in life. But his father, EAW's own Mr. Martin would not allow it, saying, "Daniel, one family member in the wrestling business is enough. Now go play with your friends before I cut your allowance down to $5,000 dollars a day!"
Depressed as hell, Danny Martin(if your stupid, thats BSB's real name) decided to just be a fungoing guy and had tons of parties, or as the snobs called them, "box socials". Box Social Boy was born.
After breaking the record in Greenwich for most box socials(previously 3, then he made it 4), his friends gave him the name of Box Social Boy because he had so many box socials all the time.
But he still loved wrestling, and it showed. After breaking the record, BSB held another box social. But this one went out of control. But he had too much of J.R.'s Barbeque Sauce that he went nuts, giving one guy a DDT. BSB's dad was so pissed off the next day he didnt just give BSB a cut in his being-a-lazy-ass allowance(down to $25,000), but he kicked BSB, his own son, out of the house! Luckily, while seaching the garbage cans for spare socks, CWA's own Atma saw the whole thing, gave BSB a contract, and a new life. BSB is happy to be fulfilling his week-long dream in the CWA!

The Iceman- Ht: 6'3"
Wt: 268 lbs.
Hometown: Unknown
Finishing Move(s): Northern Cross

Background: The Iceman is one cold-hearted dude(literally). He rarely speaks, but when he does, does not have anything kind to say, to and about anyone. Some say he's from the Great White North, somewhere in Yukon. Some say he's from a gothic civilization in Antarctica. Others don't wanna know because they're so terrified of him.
Iceman began to wrestle, idolizing gothic wrestlers such as the Undertaker and Kane. When he tried to get a contract with the WWF, however, Vince McMahon cried in fear like a little girl! He tried to go in WCW, but everyone in WCW wet their pants at first sight of the Iceman. He could've gotten into ECW if he hadn't accepted Paul Heyman's staring contest and his yell-obscene-gibberish contests, because though Iceman won the staring contest, he lost the obscene gibberish one, pissing Heyman off and getting Iceman thrown out of the building.
Iceman finally came to the CWA in hopes for a contract, which he got easily. He now anxiously waits CWA Intensity in order to simply "freeze someone rock f'n solid."

Bartender Bill- Ht: 6'6"
Wt: 290 lbs.
Hometown: Boston, MA
Finishing Moves: Last Shot

Background: Originally from Texas, he became a bartender and decided to move and start a business in Boston, one of the most heavily populated Irish cities in the U.S. Bill(full name: William Bush) knew that, and also knew what big drinkers Irish people are, so for him, it was easy money. He often competed with the popular "Coyote Ugly" bar, and to make more competition, he named his bar "Jackal Handsome". Soon, Jackal Handsome became one of the most popular bars in New England, and soon, micks from all over Massachusetts and Ireland came near and far to have a drink. But one night things got ugly. CWA superstar Ray the Gay was in a fight with a drunk while Bill served some more beer to his best customer, Arney Grumble(the future Boozehound). Ray the Gay called the drunk a "nasty little boy" while the drunk called Ray a "mother fucking homo piece of shit son of a bitch faget". Needless to say, they were both gonna fight, and the crowd was getting rowdy, and Bill and Arney could take it no more. "You boys aint gonna be fightin' in my damn bar," and soon Ray the Gay attacked the drunk. Bill and Arney started to beat up whoever got too rowdy. Bill gave one guy the biggest clothesline in the world. Finally everyone left in fear, and in weeks time, the bar closed down. Ray the Gay apologized and said to the both that if they needed money that they should climb on top of him and go with him to the CWA in Chino CA. Naturally, they agreed to join, but disagreed to climb on the horny bastard's back. Now, Bill and Arney(now called Boozehound)are in the CWA as the team "Cheers".

Macho Nacho- Ht: 6'1"
Wt: 207 lbs.
Hometown: Tijuana
Finishing Moves: Nacho Dunk, Cheese Dip Backflip

Background: Vato Manuel de la Pornado never dreamed of being a wrestler. But when he saw wrestling legend Mil Mascaras try to do a twisting sukahara off the ropes, and miss it, Vato felt very sorry. He decided to wrestle in order to pay for Mil's medical bills and a new hip that he would need desperately. Vato was dead set on his goals. But first he decided to go to the local grill where all the essa's hang out and where all the chicas with their asses hanging outta their pants look mighty fine. Vato decided to have the Dead Chinc's Nachos, nachos with peppers from south of the border and from the mysterious jungles of South America. By the time Vato finished his 7th helping, his stomach and intestines finished taking the pain, and soon funny noises came out of Vato's ass, and the whole room smelled like the back end of a burro. Vato only laughed. Then a hot chica came by and said "Hey, you really smell!" Seeing an opportunity for a valet for wrestling, Vato yelled "Hey chica, maybe you and your fat ass might wanna come with me to U.S.A. to wrestle!" She had nothing better to do, and agreed. The CWA was the nearest wrestling organization around, so they signed up with them. Soon, Vato became Macho Nacho after his infamous lunches with them nachos, and the chica became his "baja bitch" Miss Chile. Both are looking forward to Intensity!

Kenny- Ht: Unknown
Wt: Unknown
Hometown: Chino, CA
Finishing Move(s): Porno Punches, Kleinbuster

Background: Kenny is a big boy from Chino, CA. His wrestling ability is unknown, but he has gotten some fame in the CWA by being an enemy of the Commishioner and forming a tag team with Brian Legaspi called The Rejects. But there is one thing we do know about Kenny: He's gay. REALLY gay. Like, Liberace boning Elton John gay.
Kenneth Klein was born in Chino. Unlike the other boys, he didn't like the games others would play: Ring Around The Rosy, ride bikes, or throw cow shit at the hobo who's drinking the ABD(already been drinked) milkshake. Instead, he would play with his Barbies, listen to N'Sync, and sniff his brother's dirty underwear in the crotch area. Yes, in case you just started reading this bio at the sentence I'm writing now, I need to tell you something: Kenny is gay. REALLY gay. Like, he goes with Justin Timberlake of N'Sync to the YMCA to 69 him kind-of gay.
Kenny was in a real rut in his life. Oh sure, he was already the biggest gay child porn star on the West Coast, but Kenny was starting to go nowhere. Then, while he was updating his Kenny-And-Schultz orgy page one day, he came across something appalling: a link to the CWA website. Kenny was P'oed. Vulgarity, extreme violence, and only ONE gay man. Kenny, outraged, wrote a complaint to our website(which is still available, btw) and appeared at a CWA show with an angry Brian Legaspi to form The Rejects. Currently, Kenny is on-scene in Hedonism, Jamaica, where he is hanging out in the nude beaches with all the men. Ray the Gay wishes him luck in the future.

Brian Legaspi Ht: Unknown
Wt: Unknown
Hometown: Hyrule Castle
Finishing Move(s): The Hubert-able Claw

Background: Brian Legaspi is one with no friends. Out of pity for himself, he made himself his only friend: a sock puppet named Hubert. Brian knew that Hubert was as stationary as big pile of moose shit, but one day, he thought otherwise...
Brian was playing with Hubert on the N64 with an occasional game of Majora's Mask, when all of a sudden...Link himself jumped out of the game and into Brian's living room! "Brian," said Link, "Take heed to my words. I enbow upon you a magical gift that will help you help me defeat Majora and save the planet within 72 hours." Then, with his all mightyness, Link shot magic at Hubert the Sock Puppet, and jumped back into the screen, saying "Now Hubert may join your quest." All of a sudden, Hubert came to life! Oh, how happy Brian was! Now his only friend was a real living sock puppet! Little did he know that his dream come true wouldn't be so much of a dream.
The good thing about Hubert? He was exactly like Brian. The bad thing about Hubert? He was exactly like Brian. Now, that doesn't really make sense, but Brian used to get as angry as a hobo having an argument with a telephone pole when he'd get bored and there were no RPGs to play. But when Hubert came along...he was angrier than Brian would get, about as mad as a drunken redneck. Now when there was nothing to play, Hubert would be mad, and Brian would cower in fear...Ok, now I'm just rambling on. Well, the bottom line is this: Brian and Hubert are appalled when the WWFZelda site accidently sends them to this very website. They get mad, they sue...they even go to one of our CWA shows to protest. There, Brian and Hubert met another outraged person, except he was gay. REALLY gay. Like singing "It's Raining Men" with Mr. Schultz at a karaoke at Chippendale's kind of gay. Brian and Kenny would unite to form the Rejects. Now, you may think, "Big deal, so what?" Well, you'd better watch out, or Brian will lock the Hubert-able Claw on you!!

Disgruntled Employee- Ht: 6'6"
Wt: 325 lbs.
Hometown: Detroit, MI
Finishing Move(s): Mail Bomb

Background: "Mr. UPS" was born and raised in Detroit Michigan. He hoped one day that he would fulfill his lifelong dream and get a job with UPS. His dream would come true, but soon, nightmares would begin.
Roy Barker had gotten his job, but a few years after he joined UPS, the infamous UPS strike began. It was a mess. Roy(D.E. as if you didn't know) became a huge part of this strike and was known to lead more than 5,000 workers into "combat" with the UPS CEOs. Finally, the police were called in one day to settle down the strikers. Roy was in for a fight, and proceeded to open up a can of whoop ass on the police officers. Roy, if you didn't know, was also a street fighter and had a black belt in kung fu.
The police officers were plenty pissed at Roy, and threw him in jail. Around this time, the UPS strike ended. Roy was outraged. But he saw an initiative. He saw two very important people that would jump start his wrestling career: Rory Fox and Hubert the Sock Puppet. Rory was thrown in jail for committing the worst massacre at his local post office. Hubert was in jail for assaulting many police officers when "he assumed them to be goblins that were trying to prevent Link from saving the world from Majora." When Brian Legaspi came to make bail for Hubert, Hubert also asked Brian to bail out Rory and Roy. He saw potential in the 2 mail workers and Roy and Rory became good friends, as well as tag partners. They are currently in the CWA as the team "U.S. Postal Service".

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Page Updated Sun Jul 8, 2001 6:52pm EDT