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Boy, you never realize how dyslexic you are until you try and create your own website. Anyway, here it is in all of its dyslexic glory! My website. Why did I create this site you might ask? Was it because I had something important to say to the world and I needed a web site to do it? Nope, I was just bored.
I think I have just about every topic covered on this site. I'm constantly adding to it. Chances are, if you click on a page, then click off, and click right back on there will be new stuff on it. I'm just that good. You'll notice I contradict myself quite a bit on this site. That’s no secret; I'm a hypocrite, like we all are. I can't seem to make up my mind weather I want to be a good, respectable, citizen or a cheep, petty thug. Am I good, or evil? I think I'm both. I mean on one page I'm talking all about religion and world peace, and on the next page I'm making fun of fat people. HELP ME!! Oh well, its all in good spirits. I mean if we can't laugh at ourselves who can we laugh at (other people)? I hope you enjoy this site, and I hope you come back, repeatedly. Tell your friends about it too. That's if you have friends, if you don't maybe this site will fill that void in your life. What I hope to gain from this site isn't much. I just hope it kills your bordom, or puts a smile on your face. That's really about all I want to achieve from this site. Well, maybe I hope that one day so many people click onto this site that it becomes the most popular site on the enternet and that I gain world fame for having the greatest site ever created , but thats all. And maybe I hope that after my site becomes the most popular site of all time that I will be invited to do some television, but thats where I draw the line. Ok Maybe it wouldn't hurt to do a few movies, and perhaps even a book deal, but then thats it. Ok, maybe after that it probably couldn't hurt if I begen to rub shoulders with a few important politicians who are so swept away by my personal charm that they will have no choice but want to elect me as president of the United Nations. And then I ! YES I, SHALL!! Dare I say it? Rule the world. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! But then thats it! And that’s really all I want to achieve from this site. Not much. You know no big whoop. So go ahead and click on a page that interest you, or even one that doesn't.
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About The Evil Author Of This Evil Site: Who is Evil Tyson? |
Allow myself to introduce. . . Myself. I am none other than the one, the only, Evil Tyson. Yes THE, Evil Tyson, and this is my story. I know your just dieing to know all about me, and who could blame you? However, "The details of my life are quite inconsequential...My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15 year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy - the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really..."
Oh! By the way, thats a picture of me above. Aren't I Pretty?
All joking aside, my name is actually Tyson O'Brian, better known to you as Evil Tyson, and I live in Houston, Texas. I have recently graduated with a degree in Social Studies and Education, so that I can corrupt the minds of young children into praising and worshipping me as their God, and eventually take over the world, but first I have to get a goverment grant.
So you still want to know more about me? I don’t blame you. I am after all fantastic. It all begins with my great grand parents on my grandmother’s side, on my fathers’ side. See my great grandfather Samuel Lewis was an officer in the British military. He was born and raised in London, England, some where back in the 1800's. I believe he was a Lieutenant at the time he was stationed in Bombay, India. There he was ordered to take a group of soldiers and escort princess Bhakti Patel across the border for her wedding. However, the two fell in love along the way and married each other instead. This caused an enormous scandal at the time and as a result my great grandfather never made the rank of General and had to retire as a Colonel instead. To prevent my grandmother from being disowned by her parents he converted to Hinduism. My grandmother still lost her title as princess, but got to remain in the family. Never the less the two stayed married all throughout their lives and even though my grand father was 20 years older than my grandmother, after he died she never remarried. Their story was the bases of the M.M. Kay novel "Far Pavilions." They had 3 daughters; the middle child was my grandmother Jessica Lewis.
Still on my father’s side, my other great grand parents lived and died in Carrikfergus, Ireland, where they owned and operated a very successful dairy farm. Their farm was so successful, and had been in the family for such a long time that the O’Brian’s were considered upper middle class. My grand parents had many children, one of which was my grandfather Arthur "Red" (because of his red hair) O'Brian born in 1908. I guess my grandfather was sort of a spoiled playboy, and never took the family business to seriously. I hear he was pretty rebellious too. He spent most of his time either gambling, or at the local pub. He liked to travel, so he decided to take a trip to Bombay. There he met my grandmother Jessica, born in 1915, and daughter of Ashton and Bhakti Lewis. Obviously they fell in love and got married. This is where the details get a little hazy. All I know for sure is that due to the Potato famine my great grandparents lost the dairy farm in Ireland. This happened while my grandfather Red was still in Bombay. All I know for sure is that after my grandfather Lewis died my grandparents moved to Bangor, Wales. They lived there for a time and then moved to Liverpool, England, then back to Bangor, and then back to Liverpool. They did this several times over the course of their lives. In the process they had 10 children. The first 3 died. My uncle butch lived to the age of 7 but also died. Out of all of those children the only one to be born in Bangor was my father, Richard O'Brian born in 1938. Don’t ask me why, but he is so proud of his Welsh heritage. Even today he takes great pride in being welsh. In all honesty, the only thing good that I can think of that ever came from Wales was Welch’s grape juice, and maybe Tom Jones, but that’s all I know of.
Now, for my mothers’ side. Basically, her father Paul "Spider" Anderson (born in 1920) was born and raised in Liverpool, England. However, her mother, Grace Bernadine McDougal (Born in 1918) was born and raised in Kyntire, Scotland. She was the daughter of sheep farmers. I think they moved to Liverpool when she was in her early twenties, or late teens. Anyway, my grandfather loved golf, and so did my Scottish grandfather McDougal. The two men met on the green and became golfing buddies. Then my grandfather Anderson met my grandmother, and buda bing buda boom they were married, and became the proud parents of twins, my mother Ruth Bernadette Anderson, and my uncle Rodger, both born in 1942. My grandfather Anderson worked on the loading docks like all Liverpoodlians. My grandfather O'Brian was a card shark, and though he had odd jobs here and there he never really kept any one job too long. As a result my father and his family lived in poverty for most of their lives. It’s strange, but both of my grandfathers have a lot in common. Both smoked a pipe, both were shot in the leg in a hunting accident when they were 16 (which is what kept them out of WWII), and neither were very religious. Although raised Irish Catholic, my grandfather O’Brian never gave it much thought. However, my grandmother (his wife) was very religious and held tight to her Hindu faith. The couple was married in both a Hindu ceremony as well as a Catholic church. Obviously there was some lying going on there. The same thing went for my other grandfather. He was raised Anglican, but never held it too seriously. My grandmother, however, was also Anglican, and just like my grandmother O’Brian, was very religious and clung tightly too her Anglican faith. I don't think she ever missed a single church service.
Now, we get to my parents. My father Richard Arlen O'Brian was raised Hindu by his mother, but just like his father, never took religion too seriously. He grew up very, very poor, and like I said earlier, he and his brothers and sisters were constantly being moved back and forth from Liverpool to Bangor. While in Liverpool, they lived in the poor side of town known as the dingle. While they lived in the dingle a childhood friend of my fathers was a kid by the name of Richard B. Starkey, who later became known as Ringo Starr of the Beatles. When my father was 14 his father left him in Bangor to live with his recently married older sister Elsie, while the rest of the family moved back to Liverpool. While in Bangor, my dad went to school and worked. Because he had to work so much he was never able to graduate from highschool. However, he found his way and by the time he was 20 he had made enough money to move back to Liverpool, to be with his family. That’s where he met my mother. My mother was born and raised in Liverpool. The two met and were married in 1961 in an Anglican church, primarily to please my grandmother Anderson. I don't think they were married a week when my father was drafted into the military. While my father was serving in the British army my mother gave birth to my sister Kathy in 1962. My dad never saw her until the day he got out of the military. The day he came home he knocked on the door and a little girl answered and said, “You must be my father,” he laughed and said “I must be?” My father had a great time in the army. He did so well on his IQ test that he was assigned to the British intelligence and was stationed in Germany. There he lived a life similar to that of James Bond. He was given an Aston martin, Armani suits, and a castle to live in. His missions sent him all over Europe. People usually don't believe him until he whips out a photo album and shows them the pictures. Then their mouths usually hit the floor. I have tried to for years, but my dad will not tell me about any of his missions while he was in the army. It drives me insane. When I ask him he just changes the subject, or says “Oh nothing,” and walks off. WHAT THE HECK DID HE DOO IN THEIR!!!! Anyway, 2 years out of the army and my parents had my other sister Teresa Heather O' Brian in 1964. At this time, my father worked as a department manager for Harrods. Harrods is sort of like the English version of Wal-Mart only a lot more classy and sophisticated, and a lot more expensive. If you've ever seen the British comedy “Are You Being Served?” then my dad would be Captain Peacock, to give you an idea of what his position was a Harrods. My family did very well in Liverpool, and was considered upper middle class. That was until I came into the world, then the walls came tumbling down. Tell me if I'm not a streak of bad luck, just 2 years after I was born my dad got in a fight with the district manager of Harrods and walked out. My dad always dreamed of living in America, so he moved the family to Sarasota, Florida, in December of 1977. After only six moths my family got home sick, so we moved back to Liverpool, penniless, and living in the dingle with my grandparents.
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I'm 100% Concentrated Evil. Find Out Why This Site Is Called Cranberries, and Why I'm Known As Evil Tyson |
We stayed in the dingle for about 6 months unbtil my Aunt came over for a visit. she had blown into town with her new american husband. My Aunt(my dads sister) left home for America when she was a teenager. She ran off with some marien. she kept in touch over the years and visited from time to time but know one really ever knew what became of her. that was until she just showed up out of no where with her new husband. somewhere along the way she had adopted my cousin laura and had my cousin 1 year old cousin Jerry by her new husband whom she had only been married to for a week. Uh-hu. anyway my dad couldn't find work and Harrods would never have him back and my aunt told him about how wonderful it was in the states. my dad who didn't want to go back to englkand in the first place decided to move the family back to America. this was in Januray of 1979. I was 4 at the time. well we moved back, but this time instead of moving to the golden beaches of Florida with plenty of palm trees and money in the bank we moved out in the country to the muddy swamps of Houston, Texas, completely broke. my oldest sister Kathy stayed in England with my Grandparents (Anderson). She was engaged at the time and couldn't leave her fiance. Life sucked in America. my parents had no money, my dad couldn't find work, and we lived in a camper. Not only that but my new redneck uncle was always poking fun at my dad because of his accent and because he held himeslef with class sophistication and dignety where as my uncle was nothing more than a stupid inbread backwoods redneck. He would do mean things to us like turn our electricity off in the middle of the winter just because he thought it was funny. eventually my dad got a job and we moved to the local town and got away from there. life was great in town. we moved out of our camper and into a trailer in 1981. it may not of been a palace, but it was a lot better than a camper, by all means. Life was great in town. I had just about the perfect childhood. every kid in the neighborhood was like my brother or sister. We played all the time, went to school, then played some more. None of us on that block had much money but I think everyone had class. My dad had his own business in the early 80's which was quite successful. Unfourtuantly he lost it due to the Oil Boom and as a result we were thrown back into poverty. we had no choice but to move back out in the country by my Aunt in 1987, only now we owned a double wide on our own property, so no more getting our electric shut off in the winter. I hated living in the country I missed my friends. I missed my things (which we had to sell). I was miserable. My life litteraly sucked for about the next 15 years. It was a living Hell, but I won't bore you with the details just take my word for it. Lets put it this way, its no fun being poor in a poor neighborhood. I had just about given up on life when I decided to go to college. Everyone said I was crazy and told me I couldn't do it, but I just couldn't see me living the rest of my life like poor white trash. I had gotten a tatse of what life was like to be middle class and I couldn't get it out of my head. Thats what I wanted, I knew I would never be satisfied working some labor job at some chemical plant for the rest of my life. I needed a career. I always admired my teachers in school and it always looked like a good job to me, so I decided that I would be a teacher. I spent the next 4 years in school and graduated and now I'm a full time teacher at a High school and I love it. I may not be rich, nor may I ever be, but I love my job, and compared to where I came from I'm the richest man on earth.
Although this may be a little off the subject I would like to take this time to mention my accent. Although I was born in England and although My parents and sisters speak with British accents I have a southern draw like you would not belive. You would never know that I was related to my parents by the way I talk. Its the wiredest thing, but I think its kinda cool. I always felt like it gave me my own identity.
Now as for the name of this site. Why do I call it Cranberries? I wanted to call it Strawberry Fields after my favorite Beatles song, but that title was too long so I shortened it to just strawberries, but that was already taken. I remebered that at the end of the song John Lennon shouts out Cranberries! So I thought why don't I just call it that. The way I saw it, It may not be the name of the song, but it is at least associated with it and thats why I called this site Cranberries. As for why I'm called Evil Tyson.
I often watch the Simpsons (as we all do) and my favorite charector has always been Mr. Burns. I love his catch phrases like Eeeeeeeexcelent, and Nonsense! I frequently found myself quoting him. Then I started watching Family Guy and my favorite charector on their was the baby Stewy. I noticed that Stewy was the Family Guys version of Mr. Burns and that he also uses the catch phrase Eeeeeeeeeeexcelent. So here we are, 2 of my favorite charectors from 2 of my favorite shows are both evil and both say Eeeeeexcelent. Sense I say Eeeeeeexcelent all the time, the way I see it I had no choice, but to call myself Evil Tyson. And thats how I got my name. So there you go.
Well, I hoped you liked reading about my life story. I know that its pretty long which is why I don't hardly have the heart to tell you that I made about 90% of it up. In fact, my last name isn't even O'Brian. Fortunatly for you though, I don't have a heart, so it doesn't bother me a bit. True, I may have plagerized a bit from Austin Powers, or the Beatles movie Help!, but then again I'm evil, so its ok.
Well since you've wasted this much time you might as well waste some more and explore the rest of my site, and if you find that you are frequently drawn too it and that you would rather spend your time on my site then going to work, dateing, or spending quality time with the family. and further, if you find that by exploring my site you discover that I am the most intelelgent man alive, and that I should be exhaulted and praised then theres only one thing I can say about that. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeexcelent.
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Notice how they contradict each other
My Chinese Horoscope
WOOD TIGER Horoscope
Jan 26, 1914 to Feb 13, 1915
Jan 23, 1974 to Feb 10, 1975
Tiger people are sympathetic, kind, emotional, and sensitive.(That sounds nice) At movies, they can cry their eyes out! (Or cry other peoples eyes out) Despite their kindness, they can be extremely short-tempered. (I'm not short tempred. Damn it!!) The rage of Tigers is terrible to behold but it also gives them the adrenaline needed for the sublimest of bravery. (This means I'm not afraid of bunny rabits, baby chicks, or stuffed animals) The Tiger is also a deep thinker and can make the most astonishing intellectual connections, with great mental agility. (I was once able to tie my shoes all by myself). On the negative side, they tend to be suspicious and a bit self-centered, OK selfish, and indecisive. (I'm not self centered. Its a fact, the world really does revolve around me. I mean, I think it does? I mean, I'm not really sure? I mean I don't know!! What are you looking at!!!) Above everything, however, the Tiger stands as a supreme emblem of protection over human life, admirable always. (Can't argue with that.)
Soup and Oolong Tea are among the keys to good health. (So is the fountain of youth)
Look no further than the Wood Tiger for true friendship. (If by friendship you mean someone who is self centered, holds grudges, remebers every little thing you ever did wrong and holds it against you, and expects you to wait on them hand and foot. Then its true.) This compassionate human being is always ready to lend his or her shoulder for friends to lean on. (I'll lend you her shoulder. I don't like people leaning on me) Friends show a reciprocal spirit. (I don't know what reipriocal means, so its probably true. Unless it puts me in a bad light)
When the Wood Tiger needs it, friendship and support are always there and indirectly help the Tiger's successful ascent up the career ladder. (not. . .true.) Once there, this Tiger experiences such prosperity, it's almost like winning the lottery, except it's earned good fortune. (the only good fortune I ever got was a fortune cookie. And it was mostly stale) Wood Tigers are very creative in finding ways to make life exciting, never lacking inspiration to change what can be changed and to forge ahead with native wit and charm. (I'll agree to that. I'm very witty, and charming. And good looking. And intelegent. And all the way around a perfect human being.) When it comes to Love, the male Wood Tiger has to fight his fantasy of becoming a playboy. (I don't fight it, I love Playboy.) When he experiences that familiar lust-in-his-heart tickle, he has to give in instead to his ingrained gentility. (But I don't. Wink. Wink.) When it's time for a Wood Tiger to marry, he nearly always attracts a very beautiful wife. (Now thats the best news I've heard all day) Also gentle, the female Wood Tiger is very generous with love and kisses and is always good to her husband. (Yeah, but will she be willing to . . . Never mind) Wood Tigers in general have a very fulfilling and happy family life, with no regrets. (How much crack does this guy actually smoke?)
Famous TIGER people: Sun Yat-Sen (Sounds like the name of a popular board game), Jiang Zemin(Is he any realtion to Richard Zimins), Ho Chih Minh(I would think you would be ashamed to say it!!), Princess Anne (THE Princess Anne! Well that changes everything! . . . Who is princess Anne?), General Charles de Gaulle (If you say so.), Charles Lindbergh(Rymes with Ice-berg), Beethoven (I've never tried those. What do they taste like?), Queen Beatrix (I've never seen a picture of her, but I'm sure she's fat), King Juan Carlos I (Not to be mistaken with John Travolta. . .I'm just saying. . . Not to be mistaken with John Travolta. Stop looking at me like that.), Jonas Salk (Every time I do the laundry I usually loose one), Queen Elizabeth (What about, Queen Elisabeth?)
Aquarius About Your Sign...
Aquarians basically possess strong and attractive personalities. (well I don't know about my personality, but I'm atractive.) They fall into two principle types: one shy, sensitive, gentle and patient; the other exuberant, lively and exhibitionist, sometimes hiding the considerable depths of their character under a cloak of frivolity. (I'll have to go with lively and exhuberant. Something tells me that will get me more girls) Both types are strong willed and forceful in their different ways and have strong convictions, though as they seek truth above all things, they are usually honest enough to change their opinions, however firmly held, if evidence comes to light which persuades them that they have been mistaken. (hence, the longest sentance ever written) They have a breadth of vision that brings diverse factors into a whole, and can see both sides of an argument without shilly-shallying as to which side to take.(Well is it shilly or shallying? Make up your mind!) Consequently they are unprejudiced and tolerant of other points of view. (Oh yeah, I find myself to be very tolerant of the veiws of chinks, wet-backs, niggers, and hipies.) This is because they can see the validity of the argument, even if they do not accept it themselves. (I often find that people who smoke dope all day, drink excessivly, or are diagnosed as being clinically insane frequently make valid arguments) They obey the Quaker exhortation to "Be open to truth, from whatever source it comes," and are prepared to learn from everyone. (This of course excludes teachers, polticians, parents, or religious figures.)
Both types are humane, frank, serious minded, genial, refined, sometimes ethereal, and idealistic, though this last quality is tempered with a sensible practicality. (I agree only my name isn't Frank) They are quick, active and persevering without being self-assertive, and express themselves with reason, moderation and sometimes, a dry humor. (Boy this guy rambles)
They are nearly always intelligent, concise, clear and logical.(Yes. Yes. Yes, and what?) Many are strongly imaginative and psychically intuitive, so that the Age of Aquarius, which is about to begin, is much anticipated by psychic circles as an age in which mankind will experience a great spiritual awakening. (Fuckn' Hippy) The Aquarian philosophical and spiritual bent may be dangerous in that it can drive the subjects into an ivory-tower existence where they meditate on abstractions that bear little relevance to life. (Waht the hell is this guy talking about?) On the other hand it can help the many who have scientific leanings to combine these with the Aquarian yearning for the universal recognition of the brotherhood of man, and to embark on scientific research to fulfill their philanthropic ideals of benefiting mankind. (Or not) When some cause or work of this nature inspires them, they are capable of such devotion to it that they may drive themselves to the point of exhaustion and even risk injuring their health. (Once I broke my little finger playing 2 square. Does that count?)
Both types need to retire from the world at times and to become temporary loners. They appreciate opportunities for meditation or, if they are religious, of retreats. Even in company they are fiercely independent, refusing to follow the crowd. They dislike interference by others, however helpfully intended, and will accept it only on their own terms. Normally they have good taste in drama, music and art, and are also gifted in the arts, especially drama.
In spite of the often intensely magnetic, forthcoming and open personality of the more extrovert kind of Aquarian, and of their desire to help humanity, neither type makes friends easily. They sometimes appear to condescend to others and take too little trouble to cultivate the acquaintance of people who do not particularly appeal to them. They do not give themselves easily - perhaps their judgment of human nature is too good for that - and are sometimes accounted cold. But once they decide that someone is worthy of their friendship or love, they can exert an almost hypnotic and irresistible mental attraction on them and will themselves become tenacious friends or lovers, ready to sacrifice everything for their partners and be faithful to them for life. However, they are sometimes disappointed emotionally because their own high personal ideals cause them to demand more of others than is reasonable. And if they are deceived their anger is terrible. If disillusioned, they do not forgive.
Aquarians work best in group projects, provided that they are recognized as having a leading part in them. They have a feeling of unity with nature and a desire for knowledge and truth that makes them admirable scientists, especially astronomers and natural historians. They may excel in photography, radiography, electronics - anything connected with the electrical and radio industries - aviation and everything technical. On the arts and humanities side their progressive tendencies can be expressed in writing, especially poetry, and broadcasting, or as welfare workers and teachers. Some have gifts as entertainers and make good character actors (having an ability to mimic) and musicians. The more psychic among them possess healing gifts, especially in curing the mentally sick.
Among the faults to which they are liable are fanatical eccentricity, wayward egotism, excessive detachment and an inclination to retreat from life and society, and a tendency to be extremely dogmatic in their opinions. Aquarians can be a threat to all they survey or a great boon for humanity in general. Circumstances - for example, continuous opposition to a cause they hold dear - may cause the atrophy of the openness of mind that is one of the Aquarian's most attractive traits. They may express a lack of integrity in broken promises, secretiveness or cunning. Simmering anger and resentment, rudeness or, worse, a tense, threatening silence which may suddenly burst out |
These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things |
Favorite Color: Red;
Favorite Food: Sushi;
Favorite Drink: Tea;
Favorite Movie: Indianna Jones and the Temple of Doom;
Favorite T.V. Show: Family Guy;
Favorite Song: Strawberry Fields Forever (By The Beatles);
Favorite Book: Ecclesiastes;
Favorite Movie Star (Male): Sean Connery;
Favorite Movie Star (Female): Uma Thurman;
Favorite Singer (Male): Elvis;
Favorite Singer (Female): Gwen Stefani;
Favorite Singing Group: The Beatles;
Favorite T.V. Star (Male): Mathew Perry;
Favorite T.V. Star (Female): Charisma Carpenter;
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