| LAME JOKES |
Q: what did the blade of grass say to the basball field
A: i wanna root for you
this guy one day was walking home and turns his head and sees this coffin following him,
later he looks back again to
see the coffin still there, so he speeds up.
he finally reaches his house and the coffin is still there.
he runs inside and locks the door. the coffin breaks it down.
the guy runs up the stair,
the coffin is right on his stait. he darts into the bathroom.
he locks the door and backs away. the coffin still rams through.
he dashes over to the medicine cabinet and grabs a cough medicine bottle.
he chucks it at the coffin
abd the coughin goes away.
what does a penut say when it sneezes
CACCCCHHHHHHEEEUUUUWWWWW |
| BLONDE JOKES |
What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
- The 1995 Hide and Seek Champion.
Why did the blonde get thrown out of the M&M factory?
- She kept throwing away all the W's.
What do you call 25 blonde's standing ear to ear?
- A wind tunnel.
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
- Shine a flashlight in her ears.
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
- You hear about them all the time, but you never see one.
What do you call 10 blondes in a refriderator?
- Frosted Flakes.
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
- You can park in the handicap zone.
How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
- There's white-out on the screen.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are all stuck on a deserted island together. The island is 20 miles from the
nearest inhabited island so they all decide to try to swim there. The redhead makes it 10 miles, is exhausted, gives up, and drowns. The brunette makes it 15 miles before she's too tired to go any farther and drowns. The blonde get's 19 miles away from the deserted island, decides she's too tired to go any farther, and swims all the way back to the deserted island.
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "Oh, well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing; so, after reading many books on the subject and gathering all of the necessary equipment, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy foot stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, as if from the sky, a voice boomed out, HEY, YOU, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her Thermos, and began to cut another hole. Again, a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!
The blonde, now worried, moved to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and once again tried to cut the ice hole. Once more, the voice said, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!
The blonde stopped, looked skyward, and said, Who are you, God? The voice replied, NO, I AM THE OWNER OF THIS ICE RINK!
A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."
The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger."
A blonde went into a pizza parlor. When she said that she'd like a medium
pizza, the clerk asked her how many pieces she'd like to have it cut into:
six or twelve. Oh, goodness, six please, said the blonde. I don't think I
could ever eat twelve.
One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park. Suddenly,
the blonde's friend said, Oh, look, a dead birdie. The blonde looked up
and said, Where?
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
.
.
.
.
.
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A: Tell her a joke on Monday.
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning."
A blonde and a red head were walking along a path in a park. The red head turns to the blonde and says, " poor thing look at the dog with one eye."
The blonde covers one of her eyes and says "where?"
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become tangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when....................................the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
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