REALLY Funny Joke List!!!!!!!!! - Please Vote!!!!! - Game Codes - http://maxpages.com/cheatbank/These_are_REALLY

Don't Take These Jokes Seriously!!!!

Have an Extra-Specially Fun Time At Wal-Mart!

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Put M&M's on layaway.

8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the
restrooms.

16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"

20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

Instructions for Giving your Cat a Pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, dring glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetnus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

INVENTIONS THAT DIDN'T SUCCEED:

The waterproof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlights

Submarine screen doors

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart boards

A dictionary index

Mechanical pencil sharpeners

Powdered water

Waterproof tea bags

The helicopter ejector seat

Christian Pick-up Lines:
Hey, Christians have to date too! :-)

1) Nice bible.

2) I would like to pray with you.

3) You know Jesus? Me too.

4) God told me to come talk to you.

5) I know a church where we could go and talk.

6) How about a hug, sister?

7) Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.

8) Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug.

9) Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11.

10) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

11) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?

12) I am here for you.

13) The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry." How about dinner?

14) You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.

15) Do you want to come over and watch the Ten Commandments tonight?

16) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?

17) Would you happen to know a Christian woman (man) that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?

18) Nice bracelet (WWJD). What would Jesus date? I mean "do."

19) Do you believe in Divine appointment?

20) Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?

21) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.

22) My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's his name.

23) You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian.

24) Yeah I predicted David over Goliath.

Washing Your Cat

Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).

Cats, like their nemesis, the dog .... do get dirty and have a variety of odors... from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember...your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.

So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.

Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you .... you have the advantage of size,
strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.

1. First .... dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.

2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.

3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. No ... blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.

4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.

5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire...the cat barely notices you anyway.

6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom .... speed is essential. In one single liquid motion .shut the door to the
bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.

7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.

8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub
vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slide down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.

9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.

10. Next, the cat must be dried. No...this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become
semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat . reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.

11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.

12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door .... put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.

13. In about 2 hours .... it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

[English phrase] -- [Chinese Interpretation]

Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man -- Dum Gai

Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution. -- Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet. -- Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum

I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei

I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week. -- Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile. -- Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive. -- Yu stin ki pu

Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's:

22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.

19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.

18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.

14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.

11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.

9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.

4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.

3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:

1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen is in Trouble:

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

On instructions for a hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial bath bar:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

On a frozen dinner package:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tirimisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging from a Rowenta Iron.
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On a bottle of Nytol (a sleeping aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.

On an American Airlines package of nuts:
Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

On a package of Sunmaid raisins:
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

SOME CAMPING TIPS

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, it is OK to go into the woods alone.

You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

YOU MIGHT BE A SCHOOL TEACHER IF...

1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.

3. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."

4. You believe chocolate is a food group.

5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

6. You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.

7. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.

8. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

9. You have no life between August to June.

10. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.

11. When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.

12. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

13. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

14. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."

15. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.

16. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.

17. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.

18. You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.

19. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.

20. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

21. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."

22. You smile weakly, and want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."

23. Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.

24. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

Things you wouldn't hear a southerner say

We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Wreslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.
She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Elvis who?
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

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Page Updated Wed Aug 11, 1999 2:59am EDT