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Bill Clinton Jokes A recent poll of American women asked the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton? 94% responded "Never again" How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House? He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride. How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf? He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods. What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin? A girl that can run faster than the Governor. What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did? A dead girlfriend. Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar. One unfortunate day, Bill Clinton and the Pope both died, Clinton was condemned to Hell and Pope was going to be sent to Heaven. But this all got muddled up and they were sent to the wrong places. So, an angel was sent down to Hell to get the Pope and a devil was sent up to get Clinton, as they were being led towards their destination, they met in the middle. "I'm really looking forward to meeting the Virgin Mary," the Pope said. "Ermm, you're 5 minutes too late," replied Clinton. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved? The nation Al Gore and Hillary Clinton wanted to play a joke on the president. So she called Bill Clinton at the oval office. When he answed, Hillary told him that she was pregnant. The president didn't say anything for five minutes. Then he finally came out of it, and said, "Who is this?" Many of people have ridden the titanic, same with Clinton, so lets call him the Clintanic. Hillary had an accident and an early demise. Arriving at the Pearly Gates, she stomped up to the head of the line at St. Peter's desk. St. Peter politely informed her that down on Earth she may have had privileges, but up here she would have to wait her turn in line. While waiting, she noticed one wall covered with hundreds of thousands of clocks and she noticed that occasionally one would jump ahead by 15 minutes. She asked the person sitting next to her what this was all about. "Well, as I understand it, each of these clocks represents some man down on Earth. Each time he commits adultery, his time is advanced by 15 minutes"."Can you tell me which is my husband's clock?" Hillary asked St. Peter."Oh, yes," St. Peter replied. "God has it in his office. He uses it as a fan." Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty. "No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. "I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb. "No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan. "I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan. "No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty. Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time. Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so". In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees." In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?" Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Miss, I'd rather be wantonly seduced by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!" The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know that was a choice..." What do Bill Gates and Bill Clinton have in common? They're both being investigated for their GUI applications Why did Clinton quit playing the sax? Because now he's playing with his "Whore Monica" [Harmonica] How does Monica conceal evidence? She keeps her mouth shut! Why was Clinton yelling at Monica's dress? He saw a commercial that said if you have a stain, "Shout it out! What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume? "Sat on the Presidential Staff" What were Clinton's fist words to Paula Jones at the deposition? "So now you open your mouth!" Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky? He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first. What code phrase did Betty Currie, the President's personal secretary, use to let Clinton know Monica Lewinsky was coming down for a visit?" "Your Jew's harpist is here to play 'Hail to the Chief.'" What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? They were both upset when Bill finished first. What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer and a sleazy politician? Chelsea Clinton. What do Monica Lewinsky and Ken Starr have in common? They both want Clinton's head. What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office? Don't hit your head on the desk. Why isn't President Clinton going to bring the troops back from the Persian Gulf anytime soon? Because there are so many husbands away from so many wives it will take him months to catch up. What is Bill's idea of safe sex? When Hillary is out of town. Did you hear Hillary Clinton hired a new intern for Bill? Lorena Bobbit. What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common? They both blew the big one several times. Why is America called the land of opportunity? Because only in America could the lowest intern bring down the most powerful man. What do Monica and O.J. Simpson have in common? They both suffer from sore knees! How many full time White House Staff Members does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they make the interns do all the screwing. What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver? A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws in-terns. How are Bill and Monica different? One won't come clean and the other won't clean cum. How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony? "It wasn't words I put in her mouth." What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic? Only 1500 people went down on the Titanic. What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton? Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference. What do Monica Lewinsky and Soda Pop machines have in common? They both have slots which say "Insert 'Bill" here." What's Bill's new pick up line? "Would you be interested in a position under the president?" Why didn't Bill take Monica out to dinner? There was always plenty to eat in the office. What is Clinton's worst nightmare? An intern with braces. The most recent reports of the stain on Monica's dress have been released. This whole thing seems to be a vast right-hand conspiracy. Old People Jokes An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class, where they teach one to remember things by association. Later, the man was talking to a neighbour about how much the class helped him. "Who was the Instructor?" the neighbour asked. "Oh, let's see," pondered the man. "Umm...what's that flower, you know, the one that smells real nice but has those thorns...?" "A rose?" offered the neighbour. "Right," said the man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the guy we took that memory class from?" An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. "Well," says the old man, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love." The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!" So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!" Whats pink, smells of piss and goes in, out, in, out? A Granny doing the Hokey-Cokey. There's three old women on a park bench, then a man jumps out of the bushes and flashes at them. Two of the women have a stroke, the other one couldn't reach. What does a 80 year old woman have between her breasts that a 20 year old girl doesn't? Her belly button! Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain. One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and put it over her cigarette. The other lady said, 'Hey, that's a good idea. What's that called?' The lady responded, 'It's a condom.' The other lady said, 'Where can you get one of those?' She said, 'Oh, just about any grocery of drug store.' So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said, 'I need to get some condoms.' The cashier looked at her puzzled (because of her age) and said, 'UH, what size?' The lady responded, 'Hmm, one that would fit a camel.' A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said, "Sure!" The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. "Sure, why?" "Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!" An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed, "What do you think we ought to do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it." Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?" "Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?" "Yes, He did," the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately." What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine. Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light," After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?" Collection of Lame Jokes 1. Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted. 2. A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?" 3. "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground." 4. What's brown and sticky? A stick. 5. Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight. 6. What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin' Catholic. 7. What did the apple say to the orange? Nothing stupid, apples don't talk. 8. What do you do with a dog that has no legs? Take him out for a drag. 9. Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan. 10. Famous last words of a mafia hitman: "Who put the violin in the violin case?" 11. How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb? 12. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car. 13. What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung. 14. What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor. 15. What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit? A bad hare day. 16. Have you ever seen an elephant hiding behind a flower? That's because he hides well. 17. What was the centerpiece of the annual Anorexia and Bulimnia sufferers convention? A cake jumping out of a girl. 18. Where do kings keep their armies? In their sleevies. 19. Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they're full of anty-bodies. |
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