REDNECK JOKES - History - http://maxpages.com/bubbashome/REDNECK

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty motor oil container.
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a heftybag
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa
5. Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos
6. The Recycle Bin in Winders'98 would be an outhouse
7. Whenever you pulled up the sound player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Freebird!
8. Instead of Start Me Up the Winders'98 theme song would be Achy-Braky Heart
9. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt
10. Winders'98 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
11. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
12. Instead of latte carts we'd have grits carts
13. New Shutdown wave: Y'all come back now, Yah hear?
14. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
15. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
16. Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse
17. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
18. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
19. Speadsheet software would include examples in inventory dead cars in your front yard
20. Flight Simulator would be replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator
21. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
22. Instead of asking "where do you want to go today? it's more like Hey mister, can I ketch a ridein' the back?
23. Free eraser to erase the scribble marks off the screen when using the notepad

WHAT A REDNECK ISN'T....

Most folk out there, sittin on their high and mighty social horse feel that they can group folks they see as uncultured or undesireable as rednecks. This shows their lack of knowledge and ignorance.
For example, these people interchange characteristics of white trash and rednecks. I will admit that it might be possible for a redenck to be also white trash, but this is not to be taken for granted. And some characteristics are attributed to rednecks that no longer apply or might have never applied. I will attempt to rectify this.

1. White trash, or more correctly, trailer-trash live in trailers...not rednecks. We more commonly inhabit run-down, partially constructed homes or log cabins.

2. Rednecks are not lazy, incompitent, laggards. Those incorrectly grouped with us that do fit this descriptions are more commonly called "welfare-trash". It must be noted that being on welfare does not automatically make one trash, merely down and out and nothing to be ashamed of. Rednecks and white-trash are the ones that built this country(and that aint figurative).

3. The inbred stereo-type is old and over used and can no longer be considered humorous or accurate. Those that use this description have confused us with "European Blue-Bloods"(now there's some trees that never branched! They didn't call each other cousin for the heck of it!!!)

4. Rednecks are not stupid. In the bountiful ignorance of most city folk, they have confused ignorance with stupidity and proven my point themselves. There are old rednecks in these hills that never went past the second grade that have more knowledge in the head than most of those acedimic idiots that profess to be "educated". Once had some of these fellers poken fun at me for miss using an economic term, but when I asked them a question, well, if any one of'em knew how much hardener to add to a golf ball sized helpin of body puddy!! Guess they must'a just been stupid?? heh heh

How to tell if you might be a "high tech redneck"

If your e-mail address ends in "@overyonder.com"
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"
If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"
If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"
If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
If your baseball cap read "AOL Sucks!" instead of "CAT"
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her
If you've ever used an AOL CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on
If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy" or "Darlin"
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck,or tractor
If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy ya’ll" or "Hey Bubba"

A Starfleet Captain Might be considered a Redneck if................

1) - your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month

2)- he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles

3) - you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"

4)- he refers to any intelligent alien race as "critters"

5)- he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"

6)- he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil

7) - he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section

8) - he says "Got your ears on, good buddy?" instead of "Open hailing frequencies."

9) - he hangs fuzzy dice over the view screen

10)- he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle

11)- he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it

12)- he says "Yea Haw! Let’s get this puppy movin'!!!" instead of "Engage"

13)- he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser

14) - he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"

15) - he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"

16)- he programs the food replicator for Cornbread, ribs, and turnip greens

17)- he paints the starship John Deere green with racing stripes

18) - he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"

19)- he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"

20) - his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale

21) - he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"

22) - his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls

23) - he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge

24) - his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies

25) - he sets phaser to "Cajun"

26) - he has ordered the Chief Engineer to dig out the jumper cables

27) - the warp reactor is coated in duct tape ,Bond-O, and Super-Glu

28) - he orders the Sickbay to carry castor oil and turpentine

29) - he lights his cigarettes with his laser pistol

30) - he keeps livestock in the cargo bay

31) - he refers to the Kobiyashi Maru test as "the best target practice I ever had."

32) - he orders the ship into timewarp so he can have another go at the "Tuesday Night All-You-Can-Eat Ribs" buffet

33) - the ship, all the shuttlecraft, and the ship's mascot are all named after his favorite movie actresses

Your Jedi Knight Might Be a Redneck If...

(1) - if he uses his lightsaber to cut the bottlecap off a Coke

(2) - if he says "these are not the possums you're looking for"

(3) - if that "Disturbance in the Force" was just last night's baked beans and spare ribs

(4) - if the inside of the house looks more like Dagobah than the outside

(5) - if he calls his young apprentice, "Junior.(JR.)"

(6) - if he ever uses telekinesis to pull his jeans up

(7) - if the Force isn't the only thing that runs in the family

(8) - if he calls Hank Williams Jr."master"

(9) - if his landspeeder has a gun rack

(10) - if he meditiates to old CCR records

(11) - if he calls Yoda his Li'l green buddy.

(12) - if he has ever said, "Anger... fear...aggression... Yankees... the dark side are they."

(13) - if his X-Wing has a still in it

(14) - if his lightsaber has a can crusher in the base

(15) - if there is more oil in his robes than in his astromech droid

(16) - if his robes have the Golden Flour label on them

(17) - if he trim his beard and finds a Mynock

(18) - if he has ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill

(19) - if he uses Jawas for a drink holder

(20) - if he fights with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the other

(21) - if he uses a Jedi mind trick to stop the Coka Cola truck

(22) - if he uses his Jedi healing powers to make his arm-pits smell better

(23) - if he thinks the best use of your light saber is picking his teeth

(24) - if he ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because he had to spit.

(25) - if his Jedi robe is Camouflage colored

(26) - if at least one wing of his X-Wing is primer colored

(27) - if he can easily describe the taste of an Ewok

(28) - if he can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks

(29) - if he think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets

(30) - if he has ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling

(31) - if his father ever said to him, "Shoot, son, come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

(32) - if he's ever had his R-2 unit use its self defence electro-shock-thingy to get the barbecue grill to light

(33) - if he jump-starts his lightsaber off a car battery

(34) - if he beat the Gamorrean Guard in an "Ugly" contest

(35) - if his father's name is Garth Vader

(36) - if he got his lightsaber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids

(37) - if he’s ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin at his sister

(38) - if he constantly mistakes R2 units for drink kegs

(39) - if he counts Body Odor as a Jedi power

(40) - if he's ever used a light saber to skin a deer

(41) his plan to destroy the Death Star included: a cigerette, 2 M-80s, and a half gallon of ol' Granny's Moonshine

Things you wouldn't hear a Southerner say

We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I've got it all on a floppy disk. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Elvis who?
I just love the Opera
Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?
Don't worry, I'll pay for this!!
Dang if that polititian ain't honest!

Redneck Computer Lingo

"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
"LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yer truck."
"Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend. "bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"digital control" -- What Yer fingers do on the TV remote.
"packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

Redneck Personal Hygiene

1.Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

2.If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

3.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

4.Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

Bubba
911 Dirt Road
Z-Town	North Carolina	,27597
Confederate States
(333) 123-4567
Don't have'un
NuclearJake123@cs.com

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Page Updated Sun Nov 25, 2001 2:06pm EST