Wrestling's Funny Stuff - Yard Sales - http://maxpages.com/brethart/Wrestling

Schiavone Daily Log:

(8:00 am--Tony Schiavone's alarm clock goes off)
Tony: Ahhhhh, what a good night's sleep. It was the best sleep in the history of all sleep!
Tony's Wife: Do you mind, I'm trying to sleep.
Tony: I'm going to go downstairs and get myself the greatest breakfast of all breakfasts!
Tony's Wife: Alright, just stop yelling.

(10:00 am--Tony Schiavone sits at the table eating)
Tony's Wife: What are you still doing here? I thought you said you were going to eat 2 hours ago?
Tony: These past 2 hours have been the greatest 2 hours ever! I had the greatest breakfast in the history of great breakfasts!
Tony's Wife: You've been sitting here eating for 2 hours?
(horn honks)
Tony: Oh my goodness fans! That must be Mike Tenay and Bobby Heenan! It's time to get into the best car of all cars and head over to WCW!

(In the car)
Heenan: Hey Tony.
Tenay: Tony.
Tony: Thank you for the warm reception fans! That was the greatest greeting I have ever witnessed!
Tenay: Yeah...
Heenan: So, Tony, how's the wife and kids?
Tony: Last night my wife gave me the greatest blowjob in the history of this great sport!
Heenan: .....
Tony: Everything has gotten quiet fans! I think it's a little too quiet! Never know when the NWO might show up!
Tenay: What's a blowjob?
Heenan: .....

(10:45 am--WCW Headquarters)
Lee Marshall: Hello Mike, Tony...Weasel.
Tony: Well Well, it's Lee Marshall for out 1-800-Collect Road Report! What news do you have for us today, Lee!
Lee: Bischoff wants to see you in his office.
Tony: In a second fans! Let me just change this sweaty shirt! Even though it is the greatest shirt I have ever worn!
(Tony takes off his shirt)
Lee: Oh my!
Heenan: Good God!
Tony: Gentlemen, you are looking at the finest pair of breasts in this history of this great sport!
Lee: I think I'm going to be sick!
(Lee Marshall runs to the bathroom)
(Diamond Dallas Page walks by)
DDP: Yikes!

(11:15 am--Eric Bischoff's office)
Eric: Tony, I need to talk to you about something.
Tony: Well, if it isn't Eric Bischoff! The leader of the NWO! The greatest leader of the NWO ever, but still the leader of the NWO! I don't want anything to do with you!
Eric: This isn't Nitro, this is real life.
Tony: What the fucks going on here?!
Eric: Look Tony, just calm down. All I want to do is talk to you about your job.
Tony: Ric Flair beat you! He's the boss, Bischoff! The greatest boss in the history if this great sport!
Eric: Look, just get out of my office.
Tony: This has been the greatest moment in the history of my great life!
(Bischoff shakes his head)

(12:36 pm--At the soda machine. Tony is sipping a Diet Pepsi as Hollywood Hogan walks up)
Hogan: Hey Tony.
Tony: Help! NWO!
Hogan: Look, I don't want any trouble, brother. Just a soda.
Tony: Can we get some security out here now?! It's the NWO, fans!
Hogan: Calm down.
(Tony throws the can of soda at Hogan's head and runs away)

(1:24 pm--The Parking Lot)
Tony: Dammit! That was the greatest soda in the history of this great sport!
(Kevin nash's car pulls up next to Tony)
Nash: You need a ride, Schiavone?
Tony: Keep on moving, buster! I'll walk thank you very much!

(7:45 pm--Tony Schiavone's House)
Tony's Wife: Where have you been? I just called WCW and they told me you left at 12:30. That was over 7 hours ago.
Tony: I just took the greatest walk of all walks and boy did it feel good! I've never felt better in my entire life!
Tony's Wife: We live 4 blocks from WCW, and you've been walking for 7 hours?
Tony: Yes!
(Tony's 5 year old son steps into the room)
Tony: Well if it isn't the greatest son in the history of the Schiavone Family!
Tony's 7 year old son: What about me dad?
Tony: You heard me!
Tony's 5 year old boy: Daddy, I got an A on my math test today! It was the greatest A in the history of the school!
Tony: Well fans, this has truly been the greatest day in the history of my great life. We're out of time! See you on Thursday!

(9:45 pm--Tony's Bathroom)
Tony: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! That was the greatest crap I have ever taken in the history of this great sport! Time for bed!

Wrestling Terms Dictionary:

Angle - Short term used by wrestlers to refer to fishermen. (Vince McMahon created a great angle in his son Shane.)

Blade - Bret Hart's son. (Blade is a huge Shawn Michaels fan.)

Booker - The man that hands out signs in the lobby of the arena at a wrestling show. (Vince just gave me a "Vince Sux" sign because he is the booker.)

Face - Front of the clock. (Fans always cheer the face at 9:00 every Monday.)

Gimmick - A redneck word used to describe anger over Mick Foley not being a singles champion in the WWF. (Gimmick the belt already you stupid yankees!)

Heat - The feeling that you get when you sit between two big fat rednecks at a wrestling show. (All this heat is fixing to make me throw up.)

Heel - The slices of bread preferred by most wrestlers. (Golga eats the heels to gain protein.)

Job - What wrestler's have to get when they are fired by the WWF. (Ahmed Johnson refused to lose to Kurrgan so now he has to do the job.)

Jobber - A person with a job. (Lethargic is not a jobber.)

Juice - To lose one's bodily functions during a wrestling match. (1. When Sid got bodyslammed by the Undertaker he juiced and filled his trunks with dirty crap. 2. Vince juiced his pants when he thought Austin was going to shoot him.)

Kayfabe - A gay wrestler. (Too Much are gonna go kayfabe and get married.)

Mark - A wrestling fan. (If you are reading this, you are a mark.)

Screwjob - Two parts Vodka, one part apple juice, one part whiskey and a lemon to taste. (Scott Hall and Jake Roberts shared a Screwjob after dinner.)

Shoot - Interviews that wrestlers give when they pretend that they are not reading the script when in reality they are and they are just making the fans look stupid. (DDP said that he was gonna shoot on the Giant and get all jacked up but it was just a bunch of crap like always.)

Smart - This word does not exist in the wrestling language. (After getting on the internet you will become a ______.")

Tweener - Any of various small metal instruments that are usually held between the thumb and forefinger and are used for plucking, holding or manipulating and consist of two legs joined at one end. (Savio Vega had to use a Tweener to get all that hair off Miguel Perez's back.)

Work - Something that wrestlers would like for the fans to think they do when in reality they are just having way too much fun and being paid way too much money to do it. (HBK and HHH will work a match together tonight.)

Funny Wrestling Signs:

"Hey LWO, you better leave I just called immigration"

"6 best things in wrestling: Terri, Sable, & Jackie"

"I hope you didn't pay to see this crap" (At a WCW PPV )

"Hey dx i got 2 words for ya I CANT COUNT FOR SHIT"

"Vince-agra"

"This was a waste of money"

"Sable is a transexual---now that got your attention"

"My arm hurts, wheres hogans Ben-Gay"

"Dwane Gill Fan Club: Population = 1"

"I saw K-Dawg at a local Taco Bell, behind the cash register"

"What does everybody want? Head...from Sable, Terri, Tammy, Francine etc"

"Eric gets high off of Hogans spray-on tan"

"Scott Hall is a Jerichoholic"

"Scott Steiner is to Steroids, as Hollywood Hogan is to Viagara"

"I'm taping RAW!"

"Stop smoking that stuff a] Hawk b] Scott Hall c] Eric Bischoff"

"HAHA I'M HERE AND YOU'RE NOT"

"If you can read this send $5.00 to my house"

"I WANT HEAD'S AUTOGRAPH"

"Pepe,Head,Socko,WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT MR. HAT?"

"Karl Malone clotheslines like a girl"

"NBC gave me this sign at the entrance"

"Van Hammer smokes weed"

"Nitro = Nothing Interesting Turn Raw On"

"I wish I was at RAW"- seen during Nitro

"Shut up and wrestle"

"Mark"- with arrows pointing in every direction

"El Dandy = Ratings"

"CONDOMS PREVENT DUDLEYS"

"THE GUY BEHIND ME CAN'T SEE"

"Brisco Brothers Body Shop Stole My Hubcaps."

"Paging Mr. Ass"

"LODI STOLE MY SIGN"

"Chyna: toughest man in all of wrestling"

"Chyna Your The Man!"

"WE GOT IN 4 FREE!!"

"Look MA I'm on Rasslin'!!"

"YOUR AD HERE"

"REDNECKS 4 LIFE"

"What about me? What about my sign?"

"Viva El Dandy"

"DDP bangs guys"

"I hate signs"

"El Dandy 4-life"

"Survey Says Nitro Sucks"

"Val uses Viagra"

"Hey Sable s*ck it!"

"We love all 26 Guerreros"

"Sable 4:69"

"Will work for Head"

"Dusty Rhodes Fears Jenny Craig"

"I'd rather be in Chyna"

"Who Booked This Crap?"

"HOGAN Wears Panties"

"Hey MCMAHON...Bite Me!"

"USE THE SIGN" ( used by Raven to knock out DDP )

"I'd rather be in Sable"

You've had Too Much Wrestling If:

You start every sentence with the words "Well, ya know, Mean Gene..." or "Let me tell ya something..."

You refer to everyone you talk to as "brother".

Every time you see someone yawning, you get an uncontrollable urge to thrust your fingers down their throat and screech uncontrollably.

Your children are named "Crippler" "Hitman" and "Hollywood".

You get hoarse on purpose so you can sound like the Macho Man.

You hold a wrestling tournament for an aluminium foil belt.

You constantly play really bad air guitar on your foil belt that you cheated to win.

On Halloween, you pull a Jericho and steal all the trick-or-treaters' masks and then claim them as "prizes".

You get kicked off the school wrestling team for chokeslamming your opponent.

You cried when the Giant went nWo.

You took bagpipe lessons just so you could play Roddy Piper's theme music.

You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake.

You fenced in your bed, so it feels like being in a steel cage.

You throw your VCR away when you can't find Rick Steiner on your copy of "Gremlins".

Your best friend is a microphone.

After your parents ground you for a week, you refer to them as "heels".

You try to write to the admissions office at S.C.U.

You dress your dog up as a "Hulkamaniac".

You use the phrase "Too Sweet" more than 45 times daily.

You try to impress your friends by telling them Bobby Heenan jokes.

You honestly believe that "TBS" stands for "The Brain Station".

You think "No Holds Barred" should win an Oscar.

Your greatest accomplishment in life is mastering the sleeper hold.

You roped in your backyard and you get together with friends to throw chairs around.

You requested "3:16" as your new license plate.

You think a tilt-a-whirl looks fun.

You think that The Giant is a "sissy".

You put white-out on the faces of your action figures, and then draw black marks on their faces.

You give crotch chops to the opposing team during a softball game.

You feel sorry for jobbers.

You make lists like this one.

1. You walk into church and high five people in the pews as you walk down the aisle.

2. You purposely blade yourself while shaving.

3. Every time you see an Elvis impersonator, you ask for his autograph and get upset when it's not signed "Honky Tonk Man"

4. You attack your friends from behind with a chair, and look around the room, waiting for crowd reaction.

5. You shake someone's hand, you pause, and hesitate, while looking around nervously.

6. You walk up to get your diploma, and the graduation song is playing, you turn to the audience and shout "Ooooooh Yeeeaaahhh!" and snap into a Slim Jim.

7. You won't come out of your room until your parent's play your theme on the stereo.

8. You Leapfrog over people while playing football, then turn around, and clothesline them.

9. Every time you go to church you wait for the priest to quote something from the Book of Austin.

10. Every time you leave a room you shout, "AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE, SON!"

11. Everytime you score in a game, you start doing crotch chops towards your opponent.

12. You want people to leave you alone, you feel up your chest, and deeply inhale.

13. Every time a teacher's pet passes by your desk, you mumble "Lousy Babyface," and stick your foot out to trip him.

14. Every time you walk past someone lying down, you feel the sudden urge to put them in a Sharpshooter.

15. Every time you come in contact with a roll of duct tape, you wrap it tightly around your wrist.

16. Your teacher gives you detention, you give them a Stone Cold Stunner and walk out of class, flashing your middle fingers.

17. You find yourself carrying a baseball bat, metal chair, and 2X4 wooden plank around with you everywhere you go.

18. You hold regularly scheduled matches with your stuffed animals, including a monthly PPV called "In Your Room."

19. You make a Championship Belt out of cardboard, aluminum foil, and glitter and then frequently model in front of a mirror wearing it.

20. You find yourself spending hours designing ring props to bring to school to use as this years science project.

21. You are constantly telling your brothers, sisters and/or friends to eat their vitamins and say their prayers and then they can be like you.

22. As soon as someone shakes your hand, you follow with a boot to their mid-section and immediately go for an Arm-Bar Submission Hold.

23. You are always getting in trouble for trying to put a Figure Four Leg Lock on your little brother and/or sister.

24. You rent a table at the mall for the weekend and hold an autograph session.

25. You challenge the school bully, telling him he can't beat you on his best or your worst day. This is answered by a solid punch in the nose and when all hell breaks loose, school officials rush in to break it up.

26. You took you mothers' wig mannequin and painted "HELP ME" backwards on its forehead and carry it every place you go.

27. You have to be rushed to the ER because you swallowed the green dye you were planning on spitting in a classmates face.

28. You tell your friends you are the neighborhood "Icon" and demand their respect. They all get pissed off at you and a feud erupts.

29. You have to pay to fix the top rail you broke off the wooden deck attempting a Frog Splash onto your little brother or sister.

30. You refer to your girlfriend as your valet.

31. You spend hours teaching your dog to do a moonsault off the top of his doghouse.

32. Every time your boss tells you not to present the proper corporate image, you call him "The dumbest SOB you have ever met," and hit him with a Stunner.

33. You wont enter a room until the lights go out and there is a fireworks display.

34. You switch schools swearing that the principal at your old one screwed you.

35. You ask you girl friend to get pumped up and master low blows.

36. You smash your mothers sewing dummy in the back with a folding chair.

37. You lay your little brother or sister on the kitchen table and do a 450 Splash off the refrigerator onto him and put him through the table.

38. You refuse to visit any family members unless you go in a lear jet and a stretch limo.

39. You want four weeks worth of video promos of you shown to anyone before you meet them for the first time.

40. You wear white face paint and a long black coat to school. You rush in and chase 15 of the meanest kids in school out of the school yard when you see them pushing three of your friends around.

Co-Webmaster: Wrestling Innovator

thesmackdownis@hotmail.com

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Page Updated Thu Sep 16, 1999 5:21pm EDT