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Businessman vs Businesswoman
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| A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.Things like CHALK or PENCIL she described, would have a gender association, although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Group one consisted of all the women in the class and the other was a group of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations. The women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because - in order to get their attention you have to turn them on - they have a lot of data but are still clueless - they are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem - as soon as you commit to one, you realise that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: - no-one but their creator understands their internal logic - the native language they use to communicate with each other is incomprehensible to everyone else - even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval - as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories ******* Bad Headlines: March Planned For Next August Blind Bishop Appointed To See Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al. Diaper Market Bottoms Out Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal" Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar War Dims Hope For Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years *********** More on taxes: The IRS sent me a letter last Friday. They audited my return and denied two of my dependent deductions! I sent them the following letter: Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my Federal Income Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who, evidently, is now taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer peoples' questions about their returns. While she has had no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I'm quite relieved you will be handling it in the future. Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little to close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself someday if you don't incarcerate him first. In February, I was rudely awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or sent directly to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time since he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he, and all his friends, have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles or telephones. (I'm sure you'll find the telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!) Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10, going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help you offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction you are denying! It's quite obvious we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have "helped" raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girl/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I'm sure you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it's really made of. You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it's only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the two youngest. I'll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense but then I'm free! If you take the two oldest at least I have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane. Yours Truly, Jane Doe ========= One Liner - You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need. ******** A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "The same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too." ****** Funny Signs in Great Britain: (but could be anywhere) 1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out. 2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs 3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken. 4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. 5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance) 6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain. 7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council. 8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. 9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness. 10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car 11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor. 12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges. 13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons. 14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work) 15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below. |
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