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| - - - Your Personal Horoscope For Today |
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| [no, not really. Don't panic!!!] - - - |
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| Aquarius: Jan 20 - Feb 18... You have a very inventive mind, so you lie a great deal. You are inclined to be quite progressive but you make the same dumb mistakes repeatedly because you are so damned stupid. Everyone thinks you are a real screw-up and hates your guts. Pisces: Feb 19 - Mar 20... You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a dipshit. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals. Aries: Mar 21 - Apr 19... You are a pioneer and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and scornful of advice. Even though you are a real prick you still have problems getting an erection. Taurus: Apr 20 - May 20... You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are just a stubborn, bull-headed asshole. While talking, you tend to drool and blow bubbles. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. Gemini: May 21 - Jun 21... You are inclined to expect too much for too little. The tips you leave at a restaurant look like you missed a decimal point. You are a cheap god-damn bastard. Gemini's tend to thrive on deviant sex. Cancer: Jun 22 - Jul 22... You are sympathetic and understanding, which makes you a real sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't ever be worth a sh*t. Most deadbeats are Cancers. Leo: Jul 23 - Aug 22... You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an asshole. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Leo people enjoy masturbation far more than sex. Virgo: Aug 23 - Sep 22... You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your nit-picking attitude is sickening. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while having sex. Virgo's make good politicians and pimps. Libra: Sep 23 - Oct 22... You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a man you are probably gay. Chances for employment and monetary gain are between null and zip. Most Libra women are prostitutes. Scorpio: Oct 23 - Nov 21... You are shrewd and cannot be trusted. You are a perfect S.O.B. You are truly the worst of the lot but, thankfully, most Scorpio's are impotent. Sagittarius: Nov 22 - Dec 21... You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You rely on luck since you lack any semblance of talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. People laugh at you a great deal. You are a worthless piece of excrement. Capricorn: Dec 22 - Jan 19... You are conservative and sensitive about taking risks, so you are basically a worthless draft-dodging chicken. Other than Benedict Arnold, there has never been a Capricorn of any importance. |
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