ChAnDlEr - Entertainment - http://maxpages.com/bananer/Chandler

Monica: Ross, let me ask you a question. All jokes aside, where is this relationship going?
Chandler: Wait a minute! All jokes aside? I didn't agree to that!

Ross: Okay, honestly, no. I... I don't see a big future with her.
Monica: Okay, well, I think that's your answer.
Ross: I gotta talk to her. Ugh, I hate this part.
Chandler: Hey, you have to forget about Elizabeth. I mean, if you're not careful, you may not get married at all this year!

Monica: So, that marriage stuff that you were saying yesterday, you don't really believe that do you?
Chandler: Sure I do. In fact, I think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural. I mean look at pigs. Let's take a second here and look at pigs. Okay, pigs don't mate for life. I mean a pig can have like a hundred sexual partners in a lifetime, and that's just an ordinary pig, not even a pig that's good at sports!

Joey [wearing his Captain uniform]: Where the hell have you been?
Chandler: I was making a coconut phone with the professor.

Phoebe: "Just do it. Call her. Stop being so testosteronie."
Chandler: "Which, by the way is the real 'San Francisco Treat'."

Chandler: "You've been postdating your Friday numbers."
Woman: "And that's bad because..."
Chandler: "Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack."

Chandler: "Wow! It's, like, porno for clowns."

Chandler to Joey: "That's some pretty powerful imaginary sperm you got there!"

Ross hanging up after taking message from KC for Rachel: "What uh, what does he want with her?"
Chandler: "I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance...you know, make a little love...pretty much get down tonight."

Chandler: "Ding dong...the psycho's gone!" (About how he finally got rid of his wacko roomie Eddi, or so he thought!)

Chandler to Rachel in her bridesmaids' dress: "I'm sorry, we don't have your sheep."

Phoebe: "Aren't you just the cutest?"
Chandler: "I'm afraid I just might be."

Watching the prom video:
Joey: "Hey! Some girl ate Monica."
Monica: "Oh, shut up! The camera adds ten pounds."
Chandler: "Ahhh...so how many cameras are actually on you?"

Chandler to Joey in reference to Monica: "Hey Joey, be a pal. Lift my arm and smack her with it."

Monica: "Alright. I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing." (She's talking about chicken by the way!!)
Chandler: "Well, how do you find clothes that fit?"

Chandler: "Hey! Where is she? Where is she? (grabs Rachel) Hey! I've got a question for you. Where is she?"

Joey: "You know how you always think you're really good in bed?"
Chandler: "The fact that you'd even ask that shows how little you know me."
Joey: "Well, last night, I couldn't do all the stuff that normally makes me great, and I had to do all this other stuff. And the
reaction I got, man, it was like a ticker-tape parade!"
Chandler: "Yes, I know. As it happens, my room is very close to the parade route."

Ross: "Do you guys know who Carl is?"
Chandler: "Let's see...Alvin...Simon...Theodore...no."

Eddie: "Woah, woah, woah, what're, what're you talkin' about man?"
Chandler: "Hannibal Lector...better roommate than you!"

Chandler: "Daaahhhh!"
Monica: "Aaaaaahhh! Aaaaaahhhh!"
Chandler: "Why must everybody watch me sleep? There'll be no more watching me sleep, no more watching."
Monica: "I wa.."
Chandler: "Uh-uh"

Chandler: "Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!"

Susie: "OK, who was the guy that got caught masturbating?"
Chandler: "He wasn't masturbating. He was looking for his bus money."

Chandler: "I'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant."

Chandler: "Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done!"
Phoebe: "Stick a fork what?"
Chandler: "Like when you're cooking a steak."
Phoebe: "Oh, OK, I don't eat meat."
Chandler: "Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done?"
Phoebe: "Well you know, you just, you eat them and you can tell."
Chandler: "OK, then, eat me, I'm done."

Chandler to Monica: "Know Mon, I think you should really think about this marriage thing. I mean, they gave Rachel another
try, dressed her up like Princess Bubble Yum."

Chandler: "Hey, big guy. Game time!"
Richard: "Be right there."
Monica: "There's a game?"
Chandler: "Uh, yeah. I just got my pick-up sticks back from the shop. Bring your nerves of steel!"

Chandler: "OK - hating this."

Ross: "Wha...OK, now how do you know that?"
Phoebe: "Because she's your lobster"
Chandler: "Oh, she's goin' somewhere!"

Chandler, regarding Alan: "I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhoff impression alone."

Susie: "Oh, shoot! We gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes."
Chandler: "Oh no no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take more than two, three minutes tops."

Chandler to Joey: "You know that thing where we talk to each other about things? Let's not do that anymore."

Joey: "Hey, hey, check it out! Guess what I got?"
Chandler: "Rhythm?"

Joey: "How young is Young Ethan?"
Monica: "He's our age."
Chandler: "When we were....?"

Chandler regarding Eddie: "Yes, yes I actually saw him leave. I mean, that guy is standing in the window holding a human
head. He is standing in the window holding a human head!!!!

Chandler: "Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a back-up plan, though, just in case she isn't
a cartoon."

Chandler: "What?" realizes the woman walked away because of the bracelet Joey gave him "Oh this is excellent. You
know, he could've gotten me a VCR, he could've gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no. He has to get me the woman repeller.
The eyesore from the Liberace House of Crap."

Richard: "Well, we had a table in college."
Chandler: "Oh really? I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800s!"

Eddie: "Hey man, check it out, I got some great stuff to dehydrate here. I got some grapes, got some apricots, I thought it
would be really cool to see what happens with these water balloons.
Chandler: "Get out. Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out."

Chandler to Ross and Rachel: "You know, it's hard to hear you guys when you lower your voices like that."

Chandler to Joey: "When I open my eyes, you'd better be wearing clothes!"

Ross: "Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in LA so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise
Marcel."
Chandler: "You know, I think he will be surprised, 'til he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you know, isn't capable of that
emotion."

Chandler: "I just don't have that much chefing experience...unless it's an all-toast restaurant."

Susie: "Here's an idea...have you ever worn women's underwear?"
Chandler: "Well, ye, yes, actually. But, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's and there were three of us in there."

Monica: "It's not a date; it's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex."
Chandler: "Sounds like a date to me."

Chandler regarding Eddie: "Good-bye you fruit-drying psychopath!"

Joey: "OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met."
Chandler: "That's how radio stars escape stalkers!"

Chandler: "You - move out! Take your fruit, your stupid small fruit and GET OUT!"
Eddie: "You, you want, you want me to move out?"
Chandler: "Uh-huh."
Eddie: "I uh, I gotta tell you man, I mean, that's uh, kinda out of the blue. I mean, don't you think?"
Chandler: "This is not out of the blue. This is smack dab in the middle of the blue."

Phoebe: "I can't believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so that you guys could watch TV with your feet up."
Chandler: "They were chair-shaped cows. They never would've survived in the wild."

Chandler: "You're just...you're just clearly not familiar with our young person's vernacular. See, when we say dad, we mean
buddy. We mean pal."
Richard: "Uh-huh. Yeah."
Chandler: "No, no, seriously. Joey's my dad. Monica's my dad. I've even got some dads down at work."

Chandler to Susie: "Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?...You're swell!"

Monica looking at Ben: "I can't believe one of us actually has one of these."
Chandler: "I know. I still am one of these."

Chandler: "Hey Rach, we've gotta settle."
Rachel: "Settle what?"
Chandler: "The ..ah.. Jamestown colony in Virginia. You see King George is giving us the land and ..."

Joey referring to the bracelet he gave to Chandler: "You have any idea what this'll do for your sex life?"
Chandler: "Well, it'll probably slow it down at first, but once I get used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track."

Chandler to "hot" girls: We do have a certain amount of expertise in the heating and cooling milieu."

Rachel: "Well, so what are you gonna do?"
Ross: "Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is."
Chandler: "That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales."

Monica: "God, this is so hard, I can't decide between lamb or duck."
Chandler: "Of course lambs are scarier. Otherwise, the movie would've been called, The Silence of the Ducks."

Chandler regarding Joey's porcelain dog: "So is he housetrained or is he gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over the place?
Stay. Good, STAY! Good fake dog."

Phoebe: "Oh, that's him!"
Chandler: "Damn! My mail-order grandfather hasn't come yet."

Monica: "Alright, people, we're in trouble here. We've only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. Move, move, move!"
Chandler: "Monica, I feel like you should have German subtitles."

Monica: "Oh, ummm, that was my bathing suit from high school. I was, uh, a little bigger then."
Chandler: "Oh, I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticut when it rained."

Rachel: "Oh my God!"
Joey: "What is with your nose?"
Rachel: "They had to reduce it because of, of my deviated septum."
Chandler: "OK. I was wrong. That's what they used to cover Connecticut."

Eddie: "Ah-ah-ah. You know what this is?"
Chandler: "Your last roommate's kidney?"

Chandler: "You know maybe this isn't such a big deal you know. Umm... the way I see it is, you get a great job and you get to
have sex. You know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas!"

Ross: "For your information it's a 'card sharp' not a 'card shark'."
Russ: "You could not _be_ more wrong. You could try, but you would not be successful."
Chandler: "OK, I'm going to get some coffee before the pinching and eye poking begins."

Joey: "I can't believe it's Christmas already, ya know. I mean, one day you're eatin' turkey, the next thing you know your lords
are a leapin' and your geese are a layin'."
Chandler: "Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year."

Joey: "Well, they switched me over to Hombre "
Chandler: "Maybe it's because of the way you're dressed."

Phoebe: "No. Uh-uh. No way. Not gonna happen."
Chandler: "Whoa. Whoa. Prom night flashback!"

Susie: "How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?"
Chandler: "Because I went to an all-boys high school and God is making up for it."

Chandler singing to Ross: "Who's the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest man in the living room...Hi neighbor!"

Phoebe: "Um, one of my clients died on my massage table today."
Chandler: "Well, that's, uh, a little more relaxed than you want them to get."

Phoebe after losing at poker: "I want you to know that this money is cursed. Uh huh, I cursed it. So now, bad things will
happen to he who spends it."
Chandler: "I'll take it. Bad things happen to me anyway. This way, I can break them up with a movie."

Susie: "It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it."
Chandler: "Oh, right. Well, yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp."

Chandler: "What's this?"
Joey: "Eight hundred and twelve bucks."
Chandler: "Well, I don't know what Big Leon told ya, but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night."

Chandler to Joey who's surrounded with pasta: "Woah, woah! So I'm guessing you didn't get the part or, uh, Italy called and
said it was hungry."

Joey at Carol and Susan's wedding: "It just seems so futile, ya know. All these women and...nothing. I feel like Superman
without my powers, ya know. I have the cape and yet cannot fly."
Chandler: "Well, now you understand how I feel every single day, OK. The world is my lesbian wedding."

Joey: "Hey Chand, can you help me out here? I promise I'll pay you back."
Chandler: "Oh yeah, right. Including the waffles last week, you now owe me...seventeen jillion dollars."

Phoebe: "You know what we should do? We should do like a soap opera theme."
Chandler: "Hey, yeah, we could all sleep together then one of us could get amnesia."

Chandler: "We're not running today. It's Sunday.
Monica: "So what?"
Chandler: "It's Sunday, Monica. It's God's day.

Chandler in Central Perk where Ross is staring at Rachel: "Could you want her anymore?"
Ross: "Who?"
Chandler: "Dee, the sarcastic sister from What's Happening?."

Ross: "This is so exciting! I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year."
Chandler: "What, you never look down in the shower?"

Chandler: "She's amazing! She makes the women I dream about look like short, fat, bald men."

Chandler to a guest at the lesbian wedding: "Alright, look. Penis schmenis, OK. We're all people."

Eddie: "OK, then I want to hear you say it. I, I want to hear you say you want me out."
Chandler: "I want you out."
Eddie: "No no, no, I wanna hear it from your lips."
Chandler: "Where did you hear it from before?"

Chandler: "I had about a mug full in this lovely, 'I Got Boned at the Museum of Natural History' mug."

Chandler to Joey: "I am here, on my knees, holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret. Much like they did in biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now..."

Chandler: "Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore."

Chandler: "Could we get some help here? It's kind of an emergency. But I guess you knew that, or else we'd be in the Predicament Room."

Joey: "I can't go with you yelling at me like that!"
Chandler: turns away and then walks behind Joey "COME ON! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!"

Joey: "Ohhh man, you are so wearing that bracelet!"
Chandler: "I so am."

Joey's Girlfriend: "There is a child inside this man."
Chandler: "Yes, the doctors say that if they remove it he'll die."

Joey and Ross telling Chandler he emphasizes his second or third to last words all the time.
Joey: "My scone!"
Joey and Ross: "MY scone."
Chandler: "That is so NOT...that is so nOt...oh shut up!"

Phoebe: "Oh, oh, oh. Guess what?
Chandler: "The last dentist caved and now all five recommend Trident?

Chandler: "See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes."
Joey and Ross: (looking confused)
Chandler: "Me!"

Joey: "I may only have a couple of drinks in me, but I love you man!"
Chandler: "I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice."

Ross: "Four-letter word for circle..."
Chandler to the phone: "Ring, damnit, ring!"
Ross: "Thank you"

Ross: "Don't be silly. Ben loves you, he's just being Mr. Cranky Pants."
Chandler: "You know, I once dated a Miss Cranky Pants. Lovely girl. Kinda moody..."

Joey: "How do I look?"
Chandler looking at Joey: "I...don't...care."

Phoebe: "How many Espressos have you had?"
Chandler: "Oh I don't know...A MILLION!"

STRONG>Chandler: "But, the silver lining, if you want to see it, is that he made this decision completely by himself, with no outside help whatsoever."
Rachel: "How is that a silver lining?"
Chandler: "You have to really want to see it."

Frankie: "How long do you want the cuffs?"
Chandler: "Well, at least as long as I have the pants."

Chandler: "My God, that's a big head. It didn't look this big in the office -- maybe it's the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, don't get hung up on it. Quick, quick, name five things you like about her: nice smile, good dresser... big head big head big head!"

Chandler: "Janice was my safety net, okay? And now I have to get a snake."
Phoebe: "Uh huh, and why is that?"
Chandler: "If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm going to need a thing, you know -- a hook. Like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, you know? Crazy Snake Man. Then I'll get more snakes, call them my babies; kids won't walk by my place, they will run! 'Run away from Crazy Snake Man!' they'll shout!"

Chandler: "So... the Ebola virus. That's gotta suck, huh?"

Monica: "Guys, we bought the tickets."
Phoebe: "Well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff."
Chandler: "Why did you look at me when you said that?"

Ross: "There was always this little voice inside that said, 'It's never gonna happen. Move on.' And you know whose voice that was?"
Chandler: "God?"
Ross: "It was you, pal."
Chandler: "Well, maybe it was just God doing me."

Joey: "You know there already is a Joseph Stalin?
Chandler: "No!"
Joey: "Yeah, he was some Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You think you would've known that."
Chandler: "You think I would've!"

Ross: "I can't even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I going to raise a kid?"
Chandler: "You know Ross, some scientists are now saying that monkeys and babies are actually different."

Ronni: "Most people, when their pets pass on, they want them laid out like they're sleeping. But occasionally you'll get the person who'll want them in a pose, like chasing their tail...or jumping to catch a frisbee."
Chandler: "Joey, if I go first, I want to be 'looking for my keys.'"

Monica: "You know, sometimes it just doesn't work out."
Chandler: "And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym?"

Joey: "She wants to have sex with me.
Chandler: "Crazy bitch!"

Chandler: "I can't remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey."

Chandler: "Hey you know, I've had it with you guys and your 'cancer' and your 'emphysema' and your 'heart disease' -- the bottom line is, smoking is cool and you know it!

Ross: "I just got back from the vet."
Chandler: "She's not gonna make you wear one of those cone things is she?"

Chandler to Ross: "Mother-kisser!

Chandler on phone: "I got her machine."
Joey: "Her answering machine?"
Chandler: "No, interesting enough, her leaf blower picked up."

Chandler: "Hey look, it's a monkey with a Ross on it's ass."

Chandler to his mom: "You kissed my best Ross! Or something to that effect."

Ross: "I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to...woo her."
Chandler: "Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1890s when that phrase was last used."

Chandler lifting his glass: "I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here. I know this isn't the Thanksgiving any of you planned. But for me, this has been really great, mostly because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting."

Monica: "Come on. Give me five more."
Chandler: "No."
Monica: "Five more!"
Chandler: "NO!"
Monica: "Five more and I'll flash you."
Chandler: "One... two... two and a half... Okay, just show me one of them."

Joey to Ross: "Yes, now is when you swoop. You gotta make sure that when Paolo walks outta there, the first guy Rachel sees is you. She's gotta know that you're everything he's not. You're, like, the Anti-Paolo."
Chandler: "My Catholic friend is right. She's distraught, you're there for her, you pick up the pieces, and then you usher in the Age of Ross."

Joey: "All right. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go?"
Chandler: "Okay, it's his first time, so he's probably going to want to do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room."

Joey: "I loved high school. You know, it was just, like, four years of parties and dating and sex..."
Chandler: "Yeah, well, I went to boarding school with four hundred boys. Any sex I had would have involved a major lifestyle choice."

Chandler to

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Page Updated Fri Mar 9, 2001 6:51pm EST