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My Favorite Letters This section is my favorite letter of the letters I received this week. Of course it will change accordingly. The reply that you see is the actual I sent to the person. Some of my critics say my replies are too long. But I tell them "Get your own web site and do it how ever you want to!" I just like to be sure that the response I give it not some readers digest condensed version, or some quick-witted, half-hearted comment but rather a a well thought out , heart-felt, piece of my soul written for each person specifically and exclusively. Keep those Letters coming!!! Perhaps YOURS will be my next favorite!  Dear Roxanne, My wife and I are having some serious trouble and I'm afraid we're not going to make it. She's 19 and I'm 26 (I know that was my first mistake, but it was my best mistake because I got my daughter). I love her more than anything in this world, and she says that she still loves me. She also says that she is not in love with me and that she's not happy. She wants to come and go as she pleases without letting me know anything. She will go out and not come home till 6 in the morning. I want her to go out with her friends, but I think she should be home at a reasonable hour. I think that because we got pregnant at such a young age (she was 16 and I was 23, my daughter is 3yrs old)she wants to go out and do all the stuff she missed. She doesn't understand that she can't do all that stuff now that she is a mother and a wife. She is never home and we miss her. I don't want to lose my wife, but I don't think she wants to be here no more because she doesn't want the responsibility of motherhood or marriage. There is more than this, but I don't have the time to write it all out. I am overly protective, and possessive, and overly jealous of her and the baby. I do want more sex than she does (actually she doesn't want it at all). And this just frustrates and upsets me. Marriage is suppose to be forever, at least that was what I was taught. Please if you can... how do I deal with this? Signed, Troubled Husband Dear Troubled Husband, As much as I hate to say this to anyone. The writing is on the wall. Get ready to add words like ...Joint Custody... and ...Legal Separation... to your vocabulary. Because it’s plain to see that your marriage is over. I don’t know who taught you that marriage is supposed to be forever, I’m guessing that is was someone who has spent a lifetime working out the problems that all marriages experience and has been fortunate enough to have seen it through. We are not all so lucky to have picked our life’s partner so carefully. A major factor in the break down of your marriage is, of course, the young age. Mostly hers, but you are still a bit young and immature /inexperienced yourself. However, I do commend you on being mature enough to figure out the problem(s) occurring at present and knowing that something Must change. I found it interesting how you describe yourself at the end of your letter (. I am overly protective, and possessive, and overly jealous of her and the baby) My guess is that these are her words and not your own. Or if they are your words this personality has only developed since she started going out with friends till 6 am (a.k.a. .infidelity.) And, believe it or not, it’s harder for a man to lose his wife to another man than it is to lose her to the usual reasons for divorce such as financial problems or irreconcilable differences. If she hasn’t already you can bet she soon will start making up a bunch of excuses and blame shifting. For example she will cry and apologize, saying that it’s not you it’s her. Then in the next breath she will start naming things that she doesn’t like about you and/or saying that you pushed her away. Then saying that you have never been there for her and/or you don’t understand her. Then cry again when you say that you are letting her go because she doesn’t want to lose you, etc. This can be very hurtful, so don’t be easily sucked into her plan to create a reason to hate you. The best advice I can offer you as far as “how to deal with it” is to keep in mind that the hardest thing you will ever have to do is to learn to let her go. If you try to hold on to her, you will send her running away from you. And if you let go completely she may think that you never really loved her. So what do you do? You cannot allow her to get away with her lies about whom she is with because she will think your are either incredibly stupid or just weak and gullible, she will lose any/all respect for you. But you need not confront her with the accusations especially if you do not have any proof other than your suspicions. Forcing her to admit to her lies before she is ready to deal with them will only drive a bigger wedge between you. As long as you know the truth that’s all that really matters. In the long run the “details” will only hurt you more. Just tell her that you are not happy with her actions and you cannot live with her decisions and choices. If she chooses to continue to ignore your needs and the n eeds of your daughter then you choose to not support her. It’s just that simple. There’s really no easy answer, and you are in for a lot of pain and disappointment. Getting over her will take time. And there will be moments when you will wish that you would have hung on a little longer and maybe things would have turned out differently. But remember that just because things would have inevitably turned out “differently” does not mean that they would have turned out “Better”. All anyone can do is to take full responsibility for their own happiness and make the best of the results of the choices they have made. You will eventually move on and do this at your own pace. As you will find many of your friends and family will try to convince you to get over her and go out with someone else as a well intended solution to your sadness and depression (a.k.a. “grieving”) And when you do finally date again don’t look for love in every woman you meet. Let love find you. Assuming that you will file for custody of your daughter be mentally prepared for her to have a sudden reality check about her motherly bond and it is difficult to have the mother found unfit in many states. A nd you may have to settle for joint custody and child support payments etc. I believe except in cases of abuse or neglect a child should be with their mother. Though A father is important too. And you must make a commitment to deal with your child’s mother in order to remain a part of her life. Never leave it up to her mother nor to your daughter to maintain the close relationship you wish to have. It’s up to you as the adult. Peace & Love, Roxanne P.S. If you feel up to it …..I would really enjoy hearing an Update some time in the future just to let me know how things turned out for you and your family. Even and/or Especially if things haven’t changed much or (God forbid) have gotten worse. I know that some times there are specific details that need to be explained or explored a little deeper before you can fully understand them. So, please feel free to write again anytime for any reason. I’m really not here to try give you answers” as much as it is my hope to try help you “sort out” the pieces of your life, so that you can clear your mind enabling you to see that the “answers” were right there in your heart all along. Hi Roxan, Thanks for considering my letter. My question is, my wife claims that adult chat rooms are a form of adultery. I disagree since i don't know who I'm talking to and don't care. If I've made the other person feel good, fine! I've stopped anyway to keep the peace. Now, she doesn't like me on any chatroom. One person started to flirt. I didn't think she was but my wife saw it and lost control. It's not like I'm going to leave her for some stranger. She doesn't trust me for a second. We've been married for 8 months now and I told her if she gets excited over something stupid like this, what if something important happens. I wouldn't mind it if she did it. I am her first and only boyfriend/now husband. She has no experience in any type of relationships and thinks a relationship is the same as a child's story book. I'm a "tough love type" and have had many bad relationships. I've been cheated on numerous times and so I don't understand how something like this is causing so much problems. She should feel what it's like to be cheated on! If you recommend cutting out the chatrooms completely, I will. Please let me know you're opinion. I've tried to compromise but she back pedals and then says she wants me to stop all of it. Thank you for your time... Unreasonable?? Dear Unreasonable??  I am such an internet junkie I feel like I am betraying the unspoken oath to recruit new members whenever possible, however in your case, I’m afraid that my personal feelings do not apply here. As it has been my experience that "harmless" flirting such as you have described is just that, Harmless. It’s done everyday IRL (in real life) the difference being that IRL we don’t do it right in front of our spouse. All this aside it’s my guess that there were problems in your marriage before the internet came into your lives. Your bride seems to have some insecurity issues that need to be dealt with. What should set off the warning bells is these issues are surfacing and your marriage is only 8 months old! Actually, you should feel lucky that you’ve been given the opportunity to address the problem and find the solution. A marriage is not just a piece of paper. It takes work, everyday. I found out that to love, honor and cherish doesn’t always come naturally. I’m not saying that you should let her control your life. But you definantly should be in control of your own life. And make no mistake, being in control doesn’t always mean that you get your way. To quote a famous country song…. "Nobody said this was gonna be easy. That’s why it’s called Working It Out". The keys to a great relationship is first being each others best friend, then and now require the Three C’s, COMMUNICATION, COMMITMENT and COMPROMISE. RESPECT is Earned. As is TRUST. They are not a given. So my advice to you is to sign off and get back in bed with your new bride. Love her a little stronger. You said yourself that you know how it feels to be hurt. Don’t lose the lessons in those past mistakes. Before I close, I would like to clarify, You are not the first couple to have experienced some jealousy issues when it comes to chatting over the net. It has brought soulmates together and it has torn apart even the strongest of relationships. The problem is not so much what YOU might say, it’s that you have no control over what the other person might say nor how your partner will interpret what they read on your screen. It gives a whole new twist to eavesdropping. And though your thoughts may be innocent and "harmless flirting" try reversing the roles and perhaps understanding each others point of view. Not by assuming how you think each other feels and/or reacts but by Talking it out with each other. By listening without defending and talking without offending. Peace & Love, Roxanne (The Update) Thank you so much for your response. I have elected to quit on your advice. The quality of a marriage is too high to be risked by something this small. Though she is 37 and as pure as the virgin snow, I feel that it is my responsibility as a 42 yr. old "more experienced of the two leader" to understand that I must give in that much more since she hasn't had the experience of any relationships. Please feel free to post the letter. I hope to be able to help out any other person who is suffering from the same problem. Dear Roxan, I am a 45 year old woman who two and half years ago met and fell in love again with someone I had dated in high school. We met at our 25th class reunion and it was love at first sight. However, things have changed. He has never been married or in any "good" relationships in his life. He is still grieving over the death of his only sibling back in 1973. He went through alot of years of pain and his relationships with his parents have been strained. It seems they will only wonder what could have been for his brother that died. Things, in my opinion, seemed to be okay. We had hit a few rough spots in the road, but never bad enough to end the relationship. Two months ago, out of the blue, he decided he had lost himself somehow and needed to move out and live on his own. Oh he says he till loves me and is doing it for "us" and our future. I also have two grown sons, one 22 and one 18. He gets along well with them, yet I think he feels they are what he would have raised for kids. He has one daughter that after 14 years has come ack into his life. She is 15 and they have never really met. Now the are developing this on line comunication so they can get to know each other, which is great, but I think he thinks he can't have too many deep relationships in his life at one time. He wrks two jobs, one he is trying to build into his own business. I'm scared and angry andhurt that he is leaving me, I don't want to beg him to stay.He says he till wants us to be "together" . HELP ME!!!! I'm going out of my mind I love him so. Afraid and sad in Maine Dear Afraid and Sad The fact that he is a 45 y/o bachelor should have been your first clue that he is not the serious, long term relationship type. And though 2 1/2 years "seems" like a long time, in relationship terms it's about the point when a person decides whether or not they are happy enough to stay. I find it very interesting that throughout this letter you only once mention your own needs and feelings. It suggests to me that you are struggling to "Understand" WHY he is doing this. He works long hours (2 jobs) and I'm willing to bet that the communication between you has not been consistent. The words you used in your letter were obviously his words and still so fresh in your mind because he spilled all of this out on your table just two months ago when he was preparing to tell you that he had planned to leave. The reason I say that, is because you said that this came up "out of the blue." Had you known all of these things prior to the break up then you would or should have seen it coming. And to be quite frank with you it also sounds to me like he is merely making a bunch of "excuses" for his decisions and actions because he does not or cannot deal with the "real" issue. That being his fear of loving someone and losing them. He brothers death (that he is still grieving some 25 years later) is a painful reminder of how much it hurts to lose a loved one. I have to say that your statement..."It seems they will only wonder what might have been for his brother that died" took me aback because I can't imagine the tremendous pressure he must have felt all these years trying to "compensate" the lost for his parents. It's very unfair of his parents to put him in a position where he feels he must, or perhaps it is that feels he must of his own accord. In any case the big picture here is that "Whoever we are in the past determines who we become." All of the above is really irrelevant to what and where you are at this very moment and what you need to do to get to where you need to be. The first thing you need to do is make the decision to love him enough to let him go. If that is what he feels he needs to do. "Begging" him to stay will only prolong the inevitable (and can result in harming the relationship severely. If a person stays because they feel guilty they will begin to resent the responsibility. And lose respect for the one they are staying for "Who cannot live without them") But more importantly you need to let go of the anger. You cannot hold it against him. It's His life and he must live it the way he sees fit. Respecting his wishes as you would expect him to do for you if the roles had been reversed. You may not have to Like the choices he has made for his life but you do need to accept them. Being angry serves no purpose other than a way to try to hide the deeply felt ache in your heart that given the chance will eventually ease. I assume that serious or casual "dating" is what you mean by being "Still together" and if this is enough for you then by all means, let it happen and make the best of it. However, if this is not enough for you, be honest (especially to yourself). And You can't "say " this is enough for you "for now," and go along with whatever they decide, all the while secretly hoping that this will be a way of holding on to them until they come to their senses and move back in. I say, if you're gonna do it, make a nice clean break, and never look back. ( This doesn't mean that you ever stop loving that person. When love is real and true...it is not a choice you have to feel love or not. You simply do. The only choice you have is what you do about that love.) If he can't do the job, his replacement will! Stay in control of your life by not allowing yourself to fall into the trap letting him dictate the terms of the relationship. " A soulmate is not true love for your whole life...just the rest of your life." You have not found your soulmate....yet. But don't give up hope! Believe you will, and you will! It's that simple. In the meantime, learning that you can live without them in your life is a good feeling. For the most part just be good to yourself. And don't take his choices personally. I'm sure that he didn't do this just to hurt you. Learn from the mistakes made along the way and then forgive him and forgive yourself for making them. Finally, forget about all the anger, forget about everything that has to do with him and take a long hard look at yourself and your actions and reactions. Ask yourself what you could have done differently that might have been a more productive way of handling a given situation. While you can't go back and change the past you can help to improve your own future, by becoming a better person. It will show in all your future relationships. Thank you for writing in. I hope that some or all of my advice helps if even just to decide that nothing I've said applies to your life what so ever. I wish you strength and wisdom. Peace & Love, Roxanne   Click here To Read The Guidelines Please Come visit my other Websites Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse The Wounded Hearts Homepage |
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