Jerry Seinfeld Jokes - stand up material - Entertainment - http://maxpages.com/artied/Jerry_Seinfeld

There's a lot of shushing going on in movie theaters. People are always shushing. "Shhh, shh, shh, shhh." It doesn't work because nobody knows where a shush is comming from. They just hear, "shh." "Was that a shush? I think somebody shushed me. I think I just got shushed, but I don't know where it came from." Some people you can't shush in a movie theater. They're talking and talking, everyone around them is shushing them, and they want shush. No one can shush them. They're the "unshushables."

With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get competitive.
Remember when you were in school and they'd do those hearing tests? And you'd really be
listening hard, you know ?
I wanted to do unbelieveble on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and
go, "We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton
ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet
the President."

The problem with the mall garage is that everything looks the same. They try to differentiate
between levels. They put up different colors, different numbers, different letters. What they
need to do is name the levels like, "Your mother's a whore." You would remember that. You
would go, "I know where we're parked. We're in 'Your mother's a whore'." And your friend
would go, "No we're not. We're in "My father's an abusive alcoholic.'"

On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs and I always see them walking along with their
little poop bags. This, to me, is the lowest activity in human life. Following a dog with a little
scooper. Waiting for him to go so you can walk down the street with it in your bag. If aliens
are watching this through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the
planet. If you see two life forms, on of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for
him, who would you assume is in charge ?

What are lawyers really ? To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the
country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board,
but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has actually read the inside of the
top of the box. I think probably the most fun thing a lawyer can do is say, "Objection".
"Objection! Objection, Your Honor!" Objection, of course, is the adult version of " 'fraid not!" To
which the judge can say two things. He can say, "Overruled", which is the adult version
of " 'fraid so". Or he can say "Sustained", which is the adult version of "Duh."

It's hard to justify loyalty to one sports team, Because the players are always changing, the
team can move to another city. You're actualy rousing for the clothes, when you get right
down to it. You are standing and cheering and yelling for your clothes to beat the clothes from
another city. Fans will be so in love with a player, but if he goes to another team, they boo
him. This is the same human being in a different shirt, they hate him now. Boo!!, different
shirt, boooo!

I thought about hair the other day and that the wierd thing about it, is that people will touch
other people's hair, you will actualy kiss another human being right on the head, but if one of
those hairs somehow be able to get out of that scalp, and go off on it's own, it is now the
most disgussting thing that you can encounter. The same hair, People freak out, There's a
hair... in the eggsald.

The hair plug is an interesting process. It's realy quite amazing.Hair that was on your shower
soap yesterday can be in your head tomorrow. How did they do the first transplant? Did they
have the guy take a shower, get his soap, rush it in to the hospital by helicopter, keep the
soap alive on a soap-aupport system? Eventually they move it over, "We got the hairs, but... I
think we lost the Zest." Sometimes a body rejects a vital-organ transplant. Is it possible that
a head could reject a hair transplant? The guy's just standing around, suddenly "bink" - it
lands in someone's frozen yogurt.

Men seem to flip around the television more than woman. Men get their remote control in their
hands, they don't even know what the hell they're not watching. You know we just keep going,
"What are you watching?" "I don't care, I gotta keep going." "Who was that?" "I don't know
what it was, doesn't matter, it's not your fault, I gotta keep going." "I think that's a
documentary on your father." "Don't care, what else is on?"
Women don't do this. Women will stop and go, "Well let me see what the show is, before I
change the channel. Maybe we can nurture it, work with it, help it grow into something." Men
don't do that. Because women nest and men hunt. That's why we watch TV differently.

For me, the best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And the best time to be sick is in
a relationship. If I have to get married, you know all those vows, "For richer or for poorer, for
better or for worse..." .
All I need is the sickness part. That to me is the most important one. "Do you take this man
in sickness?" The rest of the time go out, have a ball, do whatever you want - but if I get the
sniffles, you'd better be there.

Can someone please tell me what is the deal with B.O.? Why do we need B.O.?
Everything in nature has a function, a purpose, except B.O.
Doesn't make any sense. Do something good - hard work, exercise-smell very bad. This is
the way the human being is designed.You move, you stink.
Why don't our bodies help us? Why can't sweat smell good? Be a different world, wouldn't it?
Instead of of putting your laundry in the hamper, you'd put it in a vase. Go down to the
drugstore. pick up some odorant and perspirant. You'd have a dirty sweatsock hanging from
the rearview miror of your car. And then on a really special night, maybe a little underwear
coming out of your breast pocket, just to show her that she's important.

People love to recommend their doctor to you. I don't know what they get out of it, but they
really push them on you.
"Is he good?"
"He's the best. This guy's the best." There can't be this many "bests". Someone's graduating
at the bottom of these classes. Where are these doctors? Is someone somewhere saying to
their friend, "You should see my doctor, he's the worst. He's the absolute worst there is.
Whatever you've got, it'll be worst after you see him. The man's an absolute butcher."
And whenever a friend refers a doctor they say, "Make sure that you tell him that you know
me." Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor. "Oh, you know Bob?
Oh, okay I'll give you the real medicine. Everybody else I'm giving Tic-Tacs."

Went out to dinner the other night, check came at the end of the meal as it always does.
Never liked the check at the end of the meal system. Because money's a very different thing
before and after you eat. Before you eat money has very little value. When you're hungry, you
sit down in a restaurant, you're like the ruler of an empire. You don't care about cost. You
want maximum food im minimum time. "More drinks, appetizers, quickly, quickly. Fried
things in the shape of a stick or a ball. it will be the greatest meal of our lives." Then, after the
meal, you've got the pants undone, napkins destroyed, cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes.
You never want to see food again as long as you live. That's when the check comes. This is
why people are always mystified by the check. "What is this? How could this be?" They start
passing it around the table. "Does this look right to you? We're not hungry now, why are we
buying all this food?"

Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism. What do
they say? You know, they're eating... "This is good". Who is this? I like this person." I would
think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying to get some really solid straight
through the night sleep. You'd think with any little noise they'd go "What is it?... Who's
that?... Who's there?... Is somebody there?... What do you want?... You look hungry. Are
you hungry?... Get out of here."

Men are obsessed with cleavage, women are obsesed with shoes. It's the exact same
obsession. It doesn't matter how many times we've seen these things, every time these
objects are presented to us, we have to look. We cannot not look. To men, Cleavage is like
the nearest thing to a UFO landing nearby, that's what it is. To women, buying a pair of shoes
that they really love is like boarding the alien ship. I think it's entirely possible that aliens have
landed and they haven't been able to get our attention because we're so preoccupied with
cleavage and shoes.

C
The problem with talking is that nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing. I think life
would be a lot better if it was like you're always making a movie. You mess up, somebody
just walks on the set and stops the all shot. Think of the things you wish you could take
back. You're out somewhere with people. "Boy, You look pregnent, are you?" "Cut,cut,cut,
that's not going to work at all. Walk out the door, come back in, let's take this whole scene
again. People, think about what you're saying."

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Artie D

Boston Area

U.S.A.

I'm on AOL messenger contact me Arteedee2 or Artied222

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Page Updated Fri Jun 25, 1999 11:37pm EDT