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| Some of these lyrics are contain adult language. Parental discretion is advised. Santa's Coming and He's Gonna Kick Your Ass Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass He's gonna kick your ass He's gonna kick your ass Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass 'Cause you've always been a rotten little brat Reindeer coming and they're gonna bite your wreath They're gonna chew your welcome mat Swallow your kitty cat Reindeer coming and they're gonna eat your begonias 'Cause Santa hasn't fed them in a month Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass He's gonna kick your ass He's gonna kick your ass Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass 'Cause he's sick of shoveling snow and reindeer poo Elves are coming and they're gonna steal your turkey Wreck your TV Burn down your Christmas tree Elves are coming and they're gonna trash your home 'Cause they ain't got nothing else to do Santa's loaded with attitude He's loud and drunk and smelly and rude His workshop's been closed by an auditor And Mrs. Claus ran off with her chiropractor. Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass He's gonna kick your ass He's gonna kick your ass Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass 'Cause he's had a really crappy year The Christmas Song The table's set and The turkey's out Christmas is here Oh, let out a shout The family's gathered all about Christmas, Christmas is here! Everyone is wearing big smiles They all try to Act nice for a while Then George calls his in-laws vile Christmas, Christmas is here! Always that one time of the year When everyone's troubles disappear And everyone smiles from ear to ear Christmas, Christmas is here! George has been drinking a lot He just can't keep Out of the sauce He says his wife's been Screwing her boss Christmas, Christmas is here! Margaret throws her food in his face People are hungry It's really a waste Then she screams, "How does that taste?" Christmas, Christmas is here! Always that one time of the year When everyone's troubles disappear And everyone smiles from ear to ear Christmas, Christmas is here! George picks up the carving knife Wields it around And starts to slice Henry cocks his shotgun twice Christmas, Christmas is here! Henry says, "Hey, what's the deal? Just sit down and finish your meal Or I'll pump ya full of steel!" Christmas, Christmas is here! Always that one time of the year When everyone's troubles disappear And everyone smiles from ear to ear Christmas, Christmas is here! Police arrive just after eight Responding to a noise complaint Open the door What a grisly fate Christmas, Christmas is here! Fa la la and deck the halls Blood was spattered on the walls Merry Christmas, one and all! Christmas, Christmas is here! Always that one time of the year When everyone's troubles disappear And everyone smiles from ear to ear Christmas, Christmas is here! Always that one time of the year When everyone's troubles disappear And everyone smiles from ear to ear Christmas, Christmas is here! Santa Got Arrested There won't be any presents this Christmas No goodies in your stocking The milk and cookies that the children left out Will be left untouched beside the sink The reindeer will be staying in their pens this year The elves haven't built anything ‘Cause Santa got arrested last Christmas Day The Police got calls on 911 About a red-suited man who weighed a ton There was a clear trail of evidence pointing North It was the seventh time this happened on December twenty-fourth The Mounties reached the North Pole They found it was outside the jurisdiction They called up Inter-Pole the Finnish Police To facilitate the suspect's extradition They knocked on the door of a well marked shop With a warrant for the owner's apprehension Then Santa got arrested Christmas Day Santa was charged with B&E His council advised he plee guilty There was footage of the crime running on TV And photographs of little children sitting on his knee The judge expressed concern about the risk of recitizenism His sentence was commuted He got a bond, a non-association with the elves And his reindeer licence was suspended He says he’s giving up all of his former life And now he wants to be a dental assistant ‘Cause Santa got arrested Santa got arrested Santa got arrested Last Christmas Day Christmas Sucks One year I got a dog for Christmas And I gave it to the boy next door Then I gave him my bike and my mom's bank card ‘Cause that's what Christmas is for I used to give a lot at Christmas You might say I gave to much Until my family was broke and we had no place to live That's why Christmas sucks I went down to the mall each Christmas Had to tell the Santa what to bring A train, a bike, a pony and a great big pile of cash And please don't get my sister anything But the shopping mall Santa has been drinking His nose is red from years of drinking scotch He probably won't remember what's on my Christmas list This Father Christmas sucks Chorus: Christmas Sucks, Christmas Sucks Getting stuff is much more fun, you gotta look out for number one Christmas Sucks Christmas became worse as years went by It was the most dreaded time of year My parents got me clothes that just weren't cool When all I want is money to buy beer There was a girl at church who I was sweet on So in the Christmas play I was the ox I really think she liked me ‘till I stepped on Baby Jesus Even for our savior Christmas Sucks Chorus Now that I am thirty-eight years old The only things I get are ties and socks My kids are never happy with what's under the tree Soon they'll understand Christmas Sucks Oh, every freakin' year Christmas Sucks Christmas Sucks, Christmas Sucks, Christmas Sucks Things Are Looking Bad For Santa When Christmas rolls around Santa's in his shop Managing his elves and trying to cut costs His plant is out of date It needs modernization He has quite a large debt accumulation Elves are expensive, they do not come cheap You would not believe the bills for the heat Santa stands to lose everything he owns If he defaults on yet another of his loans Things are looking bad for Santa Santa! He can slip down chimneys but he can't balance accounts Things are looking bad for Santa Santa! If he wrote a check it probably would bounce He hires an accountant to come and advise The accountant says that he has been unwise Even if the costs were cut down drastically It's still hard to make money giving things away for free Santa Claus decides to wipe the slate clean He lays off half the elves and buys mordern machines Then he auctions off all unnecessary stock And gets a lot for Rudolf from Ripley's believe it or not Things are looking bad for Santa Santa! He's made all sorts of changes but it hasn't fixed a thing Things are looking bad for Santa Santa! Mrs. Claus has left him and the elves are picketing Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! The big fat pig has got to go! Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! The big fat pig has got to go! Santa's had enough he locks the elves outside He butchers all the reindeer and sells off all their hides He sells his shop to Disney and leaves the north pole To go find cheaper labor down in Mexico Christmas Turkey Blues Hey kid, why the long face Is it ‘cause Santa Claus is flying right over your place You've been a bad kid all year So quit your snivellin' sucker and mop up them tears You don't deserve a damn thing You're not even cute and your attitude stinks It must suck to be ya Nobody likes you so what can you do You think you got problems kid, you think you got strife But come each December do you fear for your life I'm your turkey, baby, so your troubles are small I'm stuffed on your table, I'm a tasty butterball ‘Cause I've got the Christmas turkey blues If you got your necked ripped out then you'd have them too ‘Cause I've got the Christmas turkey blues You chase me and waste and baste me and taste me and drown me in gravy, too You sir, you look like heck Didn't you get your Christmas bonus check Or maybe your woman left you Ripped your heart right out of your chest and spat on it too Well, is that why you're wreaking of gin You look dishevelled and there's drool on your chin You thought that this love would last But she said Merry Christmas baby and she booted your ass Well that's tough for you mister, too bad about your ordeal How about getting pluckle in the wintertime, see how you feel I don't get to yank no bones or make me a wish It won't be long til I'm just some scraps on a dish ‘Cause I've got the Christmas turkey blues If your butt was stuffed and roasted then you'd have then too ‘Cause I've got the Christmas turkey blues You chase me and waste and baste me and taste me and drown me in gravy, too Oh G-d, I’m Santa Claus! Open my eyes, what a beautiful day, Just the type that makes me want to say hooray! I'm still a little fuzzy-headed from my sleep, Into my brain, reality seeps. Look all around me, can't believe what I see These little, short people are surrounding me. I've got a white beard, a suit made of red, My soul becomes filled a keen sense of dread. Chorus: OH, G-D! I'M SANTA CLAUS! OH, G-D! I'M SANTA CLAUS! OH, G-D! I'M SANTA CLAUS! OH, G-D! I'M SANTA CLAUS! Hop out of bed, kick an elf in the chest, What an awful way to awake from a rest. "Santa, oh, Santa!" the little gnomes cheer, "You shouldn't be nasty at this time of year!" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!" I say in a rage, "And what am I doing with these big burlap bags?" The elves, they do roar, "Well, they're full of toys, For you to deliver to the good girls and boys!" Chorus Deciding my fate, I load up the sleigh, Harness the reindeer and get underway. It's nippy out here in the cool Arctic sky, Good thing I remembered that bottle of rye. Flying over rooftops, throwing out toys, Hopefully crushing those good girls and boys. Like a bad dream, I pray for release, Please let this hellish existence be ceased. Chorus From this nightmare I finally awake, My rein is on fire, my hands, they do shake, But wait, they're not hands, they're cute little paws! I'm the Easter Bunny, I'm not Santa Claus! OH, G-D! I'M THE EASTER BUNNY! OH, G-D! I'M THE EASTER BUNNY! OH, G-D! I'M THE EASTER BUNNY! OH, G-D! I'M THE EASTER BUNNY! Christmas Is Almost Here Chorus: Christmas is almost here (x3) Aaahhhggggrrr! It's just five days till Christmas, I haven't done a thing Don't even have a Christmas tree, I am panicking Most lots are all sold out, I search until the night I end up with a grubby shrub with a case of blight CHORUS It's four days till Christmas, still have to decorate Spend hours in the basement until I find the crate Of lights and bulbs and popcorn strings, tangled in a knot Then I spend the day separating what I've got CHORUS It's three days till Christmas, I spend all day writing cards I started writing letters now I just say "best regards" I shove 'em in a mailbox and to the mall I go To get gifts for Jim and Jane and Tim and Uncle Joe CHORUS Two days till Christmas, a million things to do Clean the house, put on tea, company is due Where are my in-laws, they should have shown up I bet they're at the airport I forgot to pick them up CHORUS (x4) Christmas is here It's finally Christmas, the kids wake me up at five I fall downstairs a messy haired zombie, half-alive Spend all day serving company, then fall down inert If these are my holidays I'd rather stay at work Dad Threw Up On Christmas Day Dad threw up on Christmas Day He puked on the serving tray The stuffing's come right out of Daddy dear Now everybody's Christmas vacation Will be filled with a viral infection Maybe we'll all be better by next year We felt more than a breeze When Daddy had to sneeze It didn't sound a lot like Ah-Choo Mom was saying grace When Daddy barked on her face So Mom asked G-d to bless the vomit too Dad threw up on Christmas Day He got some chunks on Uncle Ray Who kept on talking about his pancreas We all remember Christmas Eve As the last time we were free of disease And able to digest some solid food The stuffing’s come right out of Daddy dear! Now everybody’s Christmas vacation Will be filled with a viral infection Maybe we’ll all be better by next year. And maybe, We’ll all be better By next year! The Same Christmas Cake Christmas makes me realize how greatly things do change Friends lose touch, people age, and family moves away But it is what had stayed the same that gives me the most tears For I've had the same Christmas cake for almost thirty years Granny made it back in sixty-eight and gave it to my mom Who gave it to her uncle who gave it to her son Who then gave it to me and that is where it stuck For I was only three months old and clearly out of luck Each Christmas of my childhood that fruit-brick would return My mom would place it on a plate and tell me I must learn That it is rude to get a gift and not put it to use And every year I'd take a bite and chip another tooth After fifteen years of misery I'd had all I could take That summer I went camping and dropped it in the lake I thought that I was rid of it, but on Christmas eve There it was from Santa Claus under the Christmas tree Each year I'd try to lose it but it would just return So I cried out "oh why have I been given such a burden?" A voice replied, "it's not a burden, but the greatest gift For when all else abandons you, you will still have it." For all of man's creations slowly waste away Relationships do crumble and buildings do decay The pyramids and Stonehenge slowly disappear But if they were made of Christmas cake they'd last a million years Christmastime It's the festive season There's singing and shopping and joy Santa's talking to children The elves are wrapping toys The season's one of charity Of peace for all you've met But though I should be giving right now I just want to get Chorus: It's Christmas time and times are tough It's Christmas time, and I ain't got enough Hey Mr. Santa Claus I believe in you because Last year all my parents got me was a trip to Mississauga It's Christmas time, I'm looking for a lot of stuff My brother wants a computer My sister wants a dolly Mom wants a brand new bathtub My Dad just wants alcohol he Spent last Christmas wasted Crawling on his knees Eating turkey that fell on the floor And watering our Christmas tree Chorus: It's Christmas time and times are tough It's Christmas time, and I ain't got enough Hey Mr. Santa Claus I believe in you because You've got more credibility than any doctor, cop, or lawyer It's Christmas time, I'm looking for a lot of stuff I’d like a new guitar Andy wants a radar detector Trevor wants thirteen kittens Chris wants a date with Shania We compared all our Christmas lists And only one thing overlapped We would all be happy if Everyone bought our crap Chorus: It's Christmas time and times are tough It's Christmas time, and we ain't got enough Hey Mr. Santa Claus We believe in you because If we count on our so called friends Our Christmas stockings will be empty It's Christmas time, we're looking for a lot of stuff It's Christmas time, we're looking for a lot of stuff Christmas Blues Christmas is here, where did the time go? Got to load up the reindeer, put on my red suit and go I used to like Christmas, but every year it gets worse Getting gifts to six billion people is just too much damn work Yeah, I’ve got the Christmas blues, man this job is killing me And most of these stupid new houses don't even have chimneys I use to be jolly, now I'm depressed Had a twinkle in my eye, now I were a bullet proof vest ‘Cause if the pace don't kill me, some gun totting yahoo will They keep shooting at me like I'm some sort of big fat red criminal Got the Christmas blues, I'm starting to see That I gotta be some sort of loser to get paid in milk and cookies I hate kids, especially their letters ‘Cause I always give ‘em some stuff, man, But they always say they want something better! Oh, maybe I'm getting cranky, ‘Cause I’m getting old But I just feel like giving all those stupid little brats Great big lumps of coal! I’ve got the Christmas blues, man, enough is enough Next year you can find some other sucker to deliver all this stuff I’ve got the Christmas blues, I tell ya I'm gonna quit Gonna find me a steady job With good benefits Ho ho ho? I don’t think so Christmas Hangover The holidays are over, you've gained twenty pounds The cat's choking on tinsel, pine needles stalk the ground There are no cards in the mailbox, just a stack of bills Yes, the holidays are over and you are feeling ill Have a happy Christmas hangover It's the most miserable time of the year The eggnog's made you fat, the party is over 'Cept for your wacky Uncle who is still drinking your beer Turkey's great on Christmas but after a whole month Of turkey pie and stew you start to dread lunch Breakfast is much scarier ‘Cause all there is to eat Is fourteen Christmas cakes and a bag of cranberries Have a happy Christmas hangover It's the most miserable time of the year Your uncle's in the bathroom and granny's on the sofa And you start to wish that they'd just disappear You ate too many liquor-filled chocolates Got no money left in your pockets But at least you got lots of Ugly sweaters and bow ties and socks You're skin is pale and pasty, your energy is spent Along with all the money you need to pay the rent The children are all crying 'cause they've broken all their toys Is this misery worth one day of joy? Have a happy Christmas hangover It's the most miserable time of the year Your uncle has passed out on granny on the sofa And you start to wish that you could disappear Vincent the Christmas Virus This year at Christmas, everybody's feeling funny No one's making joyful sounds Cranberry sauce ain't staying down The lineups at the bathroom are longer than at the mall Everybody's meeting Vincent the Christmas Virus Vincent the Christmas Virus He's the one that'll keep you up all night He's a festive parasite Vincent the Christmas Virus He’s the gift that keeps on giving all night long Vincent the Christmas Virus ain’t killed by penicillin Doesn't notice Aspirin Don't matter if you're fit and trim But Vincent's not immune to the effects of alcohol So get real drunk on Christmas Day Let's all toast to Vincent Yay! Vincent the Christmas virus! Vincent the Christmas virus! Vincent the Christmas virus! Vincent the Christmas virus! Christmas in Ignace It's Christmas in Ignace Mommy's got a rock She'll give it to Daddy It's Christmas in Ignace It's Christmas in Ignace Daddy's got a rock He'll give it to Mommy It's Christmas in Ignace It's Christmas in Ignace Oh, it's a jolly time As we decorate the Christmas Rock It's a happy time And if the children are good they'll get toys to play with Like rocks It's Christmas in Ignace Bob's got a rock But he's gonna keep it It's Christmas in Ignace It's Christmas in Ignace It's Christmas in Ignace Jill's got a rock She gives it to Bob Now he's got two It's Christmas in Ignace It's Christmas in Ignace) It's a jolly time As we sit and watch Rocky 1,2,3,4,5 It's a happy time Except for Malcolm His tongue is stuck to the sign that says "Welcome to Ignace" It's Christmas in Ignace And all through the houses Not a creature is stirring Except for the rats That live here in Ignace Under the rocks That are played with by children And thrown at Malcolm Who's stuck to the sign that says "Welcome to Ignace" It's Christmas in Ignace It's Christmas in Ignace It's Christmas in Ignace It's Christmas in Ignace It's Christmas in Ignace It's Christmas in Ignace |
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