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A little old blue-haired lady entered the lingerie shop and asked in a quavering voice "Young man, d-d-do y-y-you s-s-sell s-sexual aids h-here in th-this sh-shop? "
The salesman was quite surprised by this grandmotherly lady's question but was able to reply " Well, uh, yes Ma'am, we do."The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about10" apart asked, " D-do y-y-you have an-ny ab-about th-this s-size" and, forming a circle with her trembling fingers, "ab-about this b-b-big ar-around? "
"Yes, Ma ' am, we do" said the blushing young man. "They're called dildos." "Y-yes, and d-do an-ny of th-them have v-v-vi-brators? "
"Yes, they do", replied the saleman.
"W-well, h-how d-do y-y-you t-turn th-them off? "
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MORE LITTLE JOHNNY
=================
Little Johnny is passing his parent's bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks screwing.Before his dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" His dad, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.
Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
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TO MY DEAR WIFE,
DURING THE LAST YEAR, I HAVE TRIED TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU 365 TIMES. I HAVE SUCCEEDED A MERE 36 TIMES, WHICH IS AN AVERAGE OF ONLY ONCE EVERY 10 DAYS! I HAVE GONE TO CONSIDERABLE EFFORT TO PREPARE THE FOLLOWING OBJECTIVE LIST OF REASONS WHY I DID NOT SUCCEED MORE OFTEN, AND TRUST THAT YOU WILL SERIOUSLY ADDRESS THIS SITUATION.
THE SHEETS ARE CLEAN
54 TIMES
IT'S TOO LATE
17 TIMES
I'M TOO TIRED
49 TIMES
IT'S TOO EARLY
20 TIMES
IT'S TOO HOT
15 TIMES
PRETENDING TO BE ASLEEP
15 TIMES
THE NEIGHBORS WILL HEAR US
3 TIMES
HEADACHE
22 TIMES
SUNBURN
7 TIMES
YOUR MOTHER WILL HEAR US
9 TIMES
NOT IN THE MOOD
43 TIMES
YOU'LL WAKE THE BABY
17 TIMES
WATCHING THE LATE SHOW
6 TIMES
NEW HAIRDO
5 TIMES
TOO SORE
16 TIMES
WRONG TIME OF THE MONTH
12 TIMES
HAVE TO GET UP EARLY
19 TIMES
OF THE 36 TIMES I DID SUCCEED, THE ACTIVITY WAS NOT SATISFACTORY BECAUSE 6 TIMES YOU JUST
LAID THERE, 8 TIMES YOU REMINDED ME THERE WAS A CRACK IN THE CEILING, 4 TIMES YOU TOLD ME
TO HURRY AND GET IT OVER WITH, SEVEN TIMES I HAD TO WAKE YOU UP TO TELL YOU THAT I HAD
FINISHED, AND ONCE I WAS AFRAID I HAD HURT YOU BECAUSE I FELT YOU MOVE.
YOUR LOVING HUSBAND
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND,
I THINK YOU HAVE GOTTEN THINGS A LITTLE CONFUSED. HERE ARE THE REAL REASONS YOU DID NOT
GET MORE THAN YOU DID.
CAME HOME DRUNK AND TRIED TO SCREW THE CAT
5 TIMES
DID NOT COME HOME AT ALL
36 TIMES
DID NOT CUM
21 TIMES
CAME TO SOON
33 TIMES
WENT SOFT BEFORE YOU GOT IN
19 TIMES
TOES IN A CRAMP
10 TIMES
WORKING TOO LATE
38 TIMES
HAVE TO GET UP EARLY TO PLAY GOLF
29 TIMES
IN A FIGHT AND SOMEONE KICKED YOU IN THE BALLS
2 TIMES
CAUGHT IT IN YOUR ZIPPER
4 TIMES
GOT A COLD AND YOUR NOSE KEPT RUNNING
3 TIMES
YOUR COFFEE WAS HOT AND YOU BURNED YOUR
TONGUE
3 TIMES
YOU HAD A SPLINTER IN YOUR FINGER
2 TIMES
LOST THE NOTION AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT ALL
DAY
20 TIMES
CAME IN YOU PAJAMAS WHILE READING A DIRTY
BOOK
6 TIMES
TOO BUSY WATCHING FOOTBALL ON TV
98 TIMES
OF THE TIMES WE DID GET TOGETHER, THE REASON I LAID STILL WAS BECAUSE YOU MISSED AND WERE
SCREWING THE SHEETS. I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT THE CRACK IN THE CEILING, WHAT I SAID WAS
"WOULD YOU LIKE ME ON MY BACK OR KNEELING?" THE TIME YOU FELT ME MOVE WAS BECAUSE YOU
FARTED AND I WAS TRYING TO BREATHE.
YOUR LOVING WIFE
The jokes on this page include...The clintons' fuel-up ... Three working men....relative humidity....and letters to my wife....more will be added soon so please come back....some of the jokes that i may add maybe afensive to some but are very very FUNNY!!!
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The Clintons'fuel-up
Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary`s hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begin's to pump gas int the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger
window.
"Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks.
They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him," he says smugly.
Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President."
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THREE WORKING MEN....
There was an Australian man, an American man and a
Irish man . . .and they all worked on a construction
site, and every day, at precisely 1:00pm they would
all go to lunch . . .
So the Australian man pulls out his lunch box.
"Man, vegemite sandwiches AGAIN. If I get vegemite
sandwiches again tomorrow, well I'm going to kill
myself !"
So the American man pulls out his lunch box.
"Dang, hot dogs. AGAIN. If I get hot dogs again
tomorrow, well I'm going to kill myself too !"
Then the Irish man pulls out his lunch.
"Oh no, Irish stew, AGAIN. If I get Irish stew
tomorrow, well I'm going to kill myself !"
So the next day comes, and the Australian man pulls
out his lunch . . ."Man, vegemite sandwiches AGAIN.
Well I'm going to kill myself !"
and jumps off the building.
So then the American man pulls out his lunch . . .
"F**k, hot dogs AGAIN. Well, I'm a man of my word,
off I go !" and jumps off the building.
So then the Irish man looks at the broken bodies
lying way below, and looks at his lunch.
"OH NO ! ! . IRISH STEW ! !. Well I'm a man of my
word too !" and jumps off the building.
Next day at the funeral, the wives collect together,
and between weeping, the Australian woman starts.
"I knew it. I KNEW IT. It was one too many vegemite
sandwiches, and I didn't listen to him" and the
American wife also sobs "Yes, I Know. He warned me
about hot dogs, he said he would, but I never
expected this" And then the Irish wife finishes.
"I don't understand. He makes his own lunch . . ."
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What is the definition of relative humidity?
It'the sweat that runs down your sister
in-laws back when your wife walks in and
catches you screwing her sister.
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The best one yet!! thanks to my good friend Rinna who keeps in stiches laughing ...miss you see you soon....
Religious Bumper Sticker
The other day I went to a local Religious book store where I saw a
"Honk If
You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back
bumper of
my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience that
followed.
I was stopped at a light of a busy intersection, lost in thought about
the
Lord and didn't notice the light had changed. The bumper sticker
really worked.
I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why the guy behind me started
to honk
like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he
leaned out the
window and yelled "JESUS CHRIST" as loud as he could. It was like a
football game with him shouting "GO, JESUS CHRIST, GO !!" Everyone
else started
honking too so I leaned out my window and waived and smiled at all
those loving
people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I
could hear him
yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny
way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked
my kids
what that meant. They giggled and told me that was the Hawaiian good
luck
sign, so I leaned out the window and gave them all the good luck sign
back.
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment they got
out
of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray,
but just
then I noticed the light had changed and stepped on the gas. It was a
good thing
I did because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I
looked
back at them standing there. I leaned out the window and gave them a
big smile and
held up the Hawaiian good luck sign and drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks !!!
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Please if you have any jokes email them to me!!! |