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Gotten From High Times
A pot smoker says to his drill sergeant, "Reporting for doobie, sir"!!
Your momma Your mama is like a joint-everybody gets a hit.
- corey billie
You might be a stoner if....
Everyone else is a lightweight.
You know your a pothead when:
When you think "Lost in Space" is a Cheech & Chong movie.
- Mike
If you thought "Air Bud" was a movie about good bud that makes you think you can fly.
- miyahara
Question: If someone with multiple personalities tries to commit suicide, do the police consider it a hostage situation?
- Buzz Merchant, Raleigh-wood, N.C.
Limerick:
There once was a bud named B.C.
He grew on a 7 foot tree
Till one day I plucked him
Rolled him&smoked him
And now I can barely see!
- Kalich
One bong hit, Two bong hit, Three bong hit, Floor.
- Toker
True Story:
One day, I was really stoned and drunk at a friend's house. I walked up to her and said, "You need to pick your weed up, man. Someone is going to trip on it."
- Lauren Baxter
Q. How many pancakes does it take to build a doghouse?
A. None. Alligators can't fly.
- zinx
A woman was complaining about how the "time of the month" made her hungry. "I have the munchies, so it must be hormonal," she said.
This guy overhearing her said, "That's funny... usually when I have the munchies, it's home-grown-al."
- kimi
A stoner was relaxing next to a cactus with his horse standing next to him. Along came a stranger and asked, "What time is it?" The stoner looked at the horse, lifted up his balls and said, "It's 4:20."
The stranger said, "You're sure it's 4:20?" The stoner lifted up his horse's balls again and said, "Yup, its 4:20!"
The guy says, "How the hell can you tell time by lifting up the horse's balls?"
The stoner lifts up the horses balls and says, "You see that clock over there?"
- Anonymous
Why do people have lawn mowers?
Because cows don't fit in the garage.
Q: What's the point of a weed wacker?
A: Weed wackers need to wack it too!
- bud goddess and andee
This white stoner guy is heading off to Jamaica for a week with his buddies. His fiancee, Wendy, is really worried about her man being unfaithful, so she asks him to tattoo her name to his penis. He agrees and does so.
When his penis isn't erect you can see the letters W and Y. The woman feeling secure knowing that her name is tattooed on her man's penis says good-bye to her fiancee and he leaves for Jamaica.
One day, while in Jamaica, the guy is at the urinal and a black Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him. The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican, "Wow, that's really interesting! I guess you have a girlfriend named Wendy too!"
The Jamaican looks at him with a puzzled look and then stretches out his penis to take a leak and it says, "Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day!"
- J Birrenbach
Q: What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt?
A: A pot hole!
- Bonnie + Jim
Q. Why did the stoner cross the road?
A. who else would follow a chicken?
- edp
Q. Why did the stoner cross the street?
A. His dealer lived on the other side.
- Sabada
A stoner and drunk were walking down a hill. The drunk said, "I think I'm gonna pretend I'm a bottle and just roll down the hill so he did it the stoner thought for a minute then rolled down the hill when he got to the bottom he seen the drunk was in pieces on the ground so he walked over to him the drunk looks up and says how did you make it without getting hurt the stoner said I pretended I was a joint!
- Drew Wiley
A smugglers' boat was sighted by the Coast Guard. They dumped all their pot overboard, and it washed up on an island populated by sea gulls, terns and other sea birds. In a couple of days all over the island... there wasn't... a tern unstoned.
- DB
A stoner called the fire department and said "Come quick my house is on fire!" The fireman asked "How do we get there?" The stoner says "DUH, the big red truck!"
- CYBERPHILLICS
This is a story to tell someone when they're high.
Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you to stand behind you to tell you something I know nothing about. Thursday, which is Good Friday, we're having a Father's Day party for mother's only. Admission is free, pay at the door, pull out a chair and sit on the floor.
Late one night in the middle of the day, two dead soldiers got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, pulled out their swords and shot one another. A deaf policeman heard the noise, got up and shot the twice dead boys. If you don't believe me, ask the blind man who saw it all, through a knothole in a wooden brick wall.
- mysticism
Q. What do you call a fly without wings?
A. A walk.
Q. Have you heard about the guy who put the condom on backwards?
A. He went.
- fourlegsgood.
Q. Why is pot better then beer?
A. Because beer only made Bud wiser, but pot gave sense-t-millions.
- spazout
True story:
Q: How do you know if a buddha head smokes to much?
A: When he out smokes Visine and it makes his eyes more red.
- true story from ses one
These two stoners walk into a sports bar, and are stopped by two health nuts drinking protein shakes. One nut says "How could you smoke that filthy shit? Why not try playing some sports for a change?" The other health nut says, "Yeah!"
One stoner says, "We do play sports. Ever played weed football?" The health nuts, interested in dominating any sport, say, "No, but we will beat you at it anyway." The other stoner explains the rules: "The first thing you do is take a 4-feet bong rip of weed, second thing is run across the bar and back. That is 6 points. The field goal is when you pass the pipe and pull down your pants, then blow the hit out of your ass. That's how you play. Any questions?" The health nuts agree to play.
The first stoner gets up, takes a huge 4-foot bong rip, trots around the bar, and says, "Touchdown! 6 points." Pulls down his pants, farts the rip and says "7-0."
The first health nut gets up and takes some baby hits, sprints the bar, and says, "Touchdown!" He then farts the hit through his spandex shorts and says "7-7, bitch!"
The second stoner gets up and takes a giant hit, runs the bar, passes the 4-foot bong, pulls down his pants, and end's up shitting on the bar. The first health nut yells, "No good! 13-7!"
The second health nut gets up and takes a much larger bong hit than the two stoners combined, catapults across the bar and passes the bong. He then yells, "Touchdown! 13-13!" Then he pulls down his pants to fart the hit, but has trouble farting the hit and starts to grunt. The stoners then take the bong and ram it up his ass and chant, "BLOCK THAT KICK! BLOCK THAT KICK!"
- Orlandoy
Two stoners are sitting on a porch. All of a sudden, a fire truck drives by at about 100mph. about 5 minutes later, one of the stoners says, "Damn, I thought they'd never leave!!!"
- MacDiablo
There was there three old men a hippie, a daytripper (shroomer),and a tweeker. They were all sitting on top of the Empire State Building, talking with God.
God was going to give them one wish before they jumped off the Empire State Building: to become any animal they wished. The hippie looked down and said, "I want to be a butterfly!" So he jumped off the building and POOF! He became a beautiful butterfly. The daytripper said he wanted to be a Dragonfly so he jumped off and POOF! He became a Dragonfly.
The tweeker was real nervous because He couldn't think of what kind of animal to become so while he was thinking and about to jump a big gust of wind came and pushed him off he yelled, "Oh shit!" and BAMM he landed on the ground 88 floors below.
The moral of the story: Don't fuck with God and don't fuck with manmade drugs...
- rosemary carde of the band Sardonic
A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?" The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?" And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?" The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!" The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?" The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."
- Raven420
Q. What do you get when you hire a stoner?
A. HIGH quality work!
- billl
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting stoner.
Interrupting sto...
Let's smoke another bowl, dude.
- Anonymous
There's a horny hippie on a bus which only has one other passenger on it, an elderly nun from a local parish. The hippie is so in need of some free love that he approaches the nun and propositions her. Shocked that he would even think to ask her such a question, the nun pulls the line above her head and gets off the bus. Once she is gone, the bus driver calls the hippie over to him.
"Hey buddy, I know how you can get the nun to have sex with you."
The hippie, excited by this asks how.
"Every night at midnight that same sister goes to the cemetery and prays by the statue of Saint Peter. If you dress up as God and appear to her there she'll do anything you want!"
So the hippie gets a nifty god costume together and goes to the cemetery at midnight. Sure enough the sister is there, praying. He hides behind the statue and jumps out, saying "Sister, I am your God and I choose you to have sex with me." The nun agrees, but asks if they can have anal sex so she can retain her virginity. The hippie, who is of the mindset that sex is sex, quickly agrees and does the deed. When he's finished he's so proud of himself that he stands up, rips off his costume and screams "HAHA! I'm the hippie from the bus!!!!"
The nun stands, rips her habit from her head and screams "HAHA!!! I'm the bus driver!!!!"
- Tarah
Q. What do you do when you see a space man?
A. Park in it man!!
- swanny {england}
Q. How do you know when a Deadhead is going to leave?
A. The phone bill comes.
- Sierratoke
Q. What do you call a stoned epileptic?
A. Shake and bake.
- Rick Cowman
Eric Clapton and Jerry Garcia were walking in the jungle when they were captured by cannibals. The cannibals said, "First we're going to put you in a pot, then we're going to eat you, but first we will grant you each one request." Jerry says, "Just give me one last chance to play 'Truckin',' that's all I want." The cannibals look at Eric Clapton, and he says, "Just %@*#ing eat me before he plays that damn song!!"
- Suzie B. F.
Q. What's the difference between a police car and a porcupine?
A. Porcupines have pricks on the outside.
- NICK
A stoner was walking down the street one day with his dog. It was very hot outside so he tied his dog under a tree and went into a bar for a cold beer.
Meanwhile a little old lady complained to two RCMP officers that two dogs were going at it outside of the bar. The officers went inside the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied up outside?"
"I do," said the stoner.
"Do you know that your dog is in heat?" said one officer.
"No he ain't man, I tied him up under a big tree," said the stoner.
"No, I mean that your dog's needin' bred," said the officer.
"Shit," said the stoner, "I just fed him half an hour ago."
"No, no you stupid ass," said the cop. "I mean your dog needs to get fucked."
The stoner thought for a moment and said, "Well go right ahead, I always wanted a police dog."
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duce, from Calgary These two apples are sitting in an oven. The first apple turns to the other and says "Gee, its pretty hot in here dontcha think?"
The second apple then says, "OH MY GOD!!! A Talking Apple!!".
Q. You're flying down the road in your canoe at 70 cows a minute, and you start running out of gas, so you pull into a gas station. How many donuts does it take to get to the moon?
A. None, because chickens don't have lips.
- number 3
Q. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A. Oh no, I lost my tractor!
- ParanoiA -
A stoner is standing in front of a pop machine when a man walks up behind him. The stoner puts his money in the machine, pushes the button, then takes the pop out and sets it on the ground. Again, the stoner puts his money in the machine, pushes the button, and takes the pop out of the machine to set it on the ground. This goes on for about 5 minutes before the man waiting to get something to drink says, "What the HELL are you doing?!?" The stoner turns around and says, "Duh! I'm WINNING!"
- Sooner Stoner
Once there were three men on Death Row: one from Texas, one from New York City and a weedhead from Missouri. On the day of their execution they were given an choice between death by hanging or the electric chair.
First, the man from Texas walks up and he says, "Man I don't want to die choking so I will take the electric chair." The executioner says, "The chair is broken, so you're free to go." As he's walking out he tells the man from NYC that the chair is broken. So the man from NYC walks up says "Hmmmm!!! I'll take the electric chair!" The cop says, "You're free to go!" So as he's walking out he tells the weedhead the electric chair is broken.
The weedhead walks up and says "Hmmmm!!! Well, since the electric chair here is broken, I guess I am gonna have to take the gas chamber."
- Ziggy
Q. Why did the hippie chick cross the basketball court?
A. Because she heard the ref was blowing fouls!!
- jcoles
Q. What did the farmer say when he ran into the barn?
A. OUCH!!!!!!!!!
- Becky
Q. What is Cannabis prohibition doing to the U.S.A.?
A. The Untied States of Anemica.
- Den de Cannabist
There's an Aggie, a Yankee, and a stoner stranded on a deserted island. A genie suddenly appears and grants each of them a wish. The Aggie says, "I wish I was in Hawaii surrounded by beautiful women." POOF!! He was granted his wish.
Next, the Yankee said, "I wish I was home surrounded by piles and piles of money!" POOF!! His wish was granted.
The stoners turn was next. So he looks around, realizes he is alone, and says with a bewildered look, "I wish my friends were back." POOF!!
- Ben Herrin, LA
Q. How do you get a one-armed hippie out of a tree?
A. Pass him a joint.
- Anonymous
A stoner walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
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| Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
| Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
| Hand Job: $10.00
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Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally-attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she asks with a knowing smile, "May I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
- CAH
One day Jesus and Moses are playing golf. Jesus has a difficult shot and he asks Moses for the 6-iron.
"Now, Jesus," says Moses, "I think you have a better chance of making it with the 3-wood." But Jesus insists, "No, if Jack Nicklaus can do it, so can I."
Moses gives Jesus the 6-iron club and he hits the ball into a pond. Moses walks over, parts the water, picks up the ball and gives it back. "Jesus, just please consider using the 3-wood." "No! If Jack Nicklaus can do it I can do it." And with that he again hits it in the water. Moses parts the water again, gives him the ball and says, "If you hit it in the water again, I am not going to go get it!" Jesus swings and knocks it in the water again. Jesus goes and walks on the water to find his ball.
While this is happening, a man yells at Moses saying, "Look at that guy walking on the water! He must think he's Jesus Christ!" Moses yells back, "No, he thinks he's Jack Nicklaus!"
- Alex Gates
Q. Why is the oval office round?
A. So they can't fuck up the rotation with all those heads in it
- JoAnn
Three hippies are sitting around smoking a joint. One says, "I am going to go take a bath."
He goes upstairs to the bathroom, fills up the bathtub, starts to get in the bathtub and then stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Hmmmmm, am I getting in or am I getting out?" So he sits there and thinks about it.
The second one says, "Well, he's been up there for awhile, I better go check on him." When he gets halfway upstairs he stops for a moment, and thinks to himself, "Am I going upstairs or am I going downstairs?" He stays there and thinks about it.
The third guy says, "I hope I never get blasted as much as those two, knock on wood!" So he knocks on the table and says, "Was that the front door or the back door?"
- April Kidd
Two old Dudes are sittin' around coolin' it.
One say to the other, "Whatcha thinkin' 'bout, Man?"
"Oh, I was just reminiscin' 'bout Woodstock".
"Man?!!? You wuz never at Woodstock!"
"Oh,... yeah".
- The Taz
Q. What do you call a "Stoned Eskimo"?
A. "Baked Alaskan"
- Kel
Q. What did the three-legged dog say when he walked in the bar?
A. I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.
Q. What does a stoner say when he loses his pipe?
A. Where is my pipe?
A burnout snorted three Viagra and died. It took a week before they could close the casket.
- Anonymous
A stoner walks into a 7-11 and says to the guy behind the counter, "Got any weed?" The man says, "No, we don't," so the stoner leaves.
The next day the stoner comes back and says, "got any weed?". The man behind the counter once again says, "No, I told you yesterday, we don't sell weed here," and with that the stoner leaves again.
So the stoner comes back the next day and says, "Hey, got any weed?" The man behind the counter says, "Look, asshole, I told you twice already we don't sell any fucking weed in here. If you come in here again and ask for weed I'm gonna nail your fucking feet to the floor you fucking burnout!" So the stoner leaves.
The next day the stoner comes back and says, "Hey, got any nails?" The man behind the counter says, "No." So the stoner says, "Got any weed?"
- Twiggs McGee | |
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